Cinematic sociologists refer to it as the "Pre-Shia Period," but I call the years preceding Shia LaBeouf's birth as the "Golden Age of Movies." There was a time when you could go to the theater, confident that the nasal, inexplicably irritating actor known as Shia LaBeouf would not be there. No pale, doofy suburbanite would be making an appearance for the sole purpose of destroying the sequel to your favorite movie. Indeed, even in 1990, you could enjoy Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, blissfully unaware that somewhere in Connecticut there was a small boy slowly plotting to ruin everything you held sacred.
But that's how the beef rolls. He's stealth. You'll see him in Disturbia and think, "Hmm, that Shia kid did a fine job of playing a wimpy, entitled, annoying pud. But film after film you start to realize that's always the role he's playing. And when he's supposed to be playing the bad ass Brando-esque greaser son of the coolest archeologist/adventurer the world has ever known, well it's just intolerable. So, right now, we formally request that along with the political gridlock, crap economy, and tensions in the middle east, the 21st Century Seventies, please bring us life without Shia.
So apparently, and this came as a bit of a shock to me as someone who went to college in the 90s, but there was a time when you could meet someone, know virtually nothing about their sexual history, have unprotected sex with them and --this is the best part-- not contract a horrible disease that would kill you. Isn't that awesome? Oh, and get this. There was enough sex for everyone! Like there were whole parties about it. And your biggest problem was 1 out of the 5 people you had sex with that week would give you crabs. Small price to pay, amirite?
How could the cosmos give us two straight years of economic disaster worse than the financial blight of the 70s and still keep our sex potentially fatal? Just doesn't seem right. Come on, everybody. Let me hear you! "No more unemployment without more sexual enjoyment!"
Did it work? No. Hmmm. Well, at least we have World of Warcraft now. Choke on that, 70s.
Check out the Series Finale of Hate By Numbers on January 4, 2011 on Gladstone's site. You can also follow him on Twitter and Facebook.