#2. Celebrity Romances Gone Wrong
I'm just going to come right out and say this. I know it's a bold stance, but it's one that I feel as if I need to make. Here goes: Men should not hit women.
You're right, that isn't a very bold stance to take at all. It's damn near a societal norm. And your accepting nature makes me feel a lot more comfortable running this next one by you: I don't give a shit that Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together. You shouldn't either. At least not to the point that you get mad about it.
So are we still friends? I sure hope so, because I don't mean to make light of her predicament. I simply mean to let you know that, if we knew what was good for us, we would not give a damn about celebrity relationships in general. The Rihanna fiasco has a sad twist that makes it a little more newsworthy than most, but if you think that drawing attention to how she's handled it is doing the domestic violence cause any favors, you're fucking insane. Hers is quite possibly the last relationship we should be writing feature news stories about.
It's time that would be better spent warning people about how terrible this album is.
That's exactly what we do, though. We have television shows and newspapers dedicated to nothing but digging up private information about public figures. And no story gets more coverage than when a relationship between two famous people goes terribly wrong.
Unfortunately, the end result of our fascination with knowing the ins and outs (if you know what I mean) of every celebrity union is that we now have stories like Rihanna's just sitting out there like a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off in the heads of untold numbers of kids in single-parent households (or particularly unruly two-parent households) who will grow up learning all they know about coexisting with the opposite sex from watching the Hollywood couples and athlete WAGs the media parade around as examples of how successful relationships work.
"Adopting Third World kids isn't cutting it anymore. Time to start conflicting rumors about your sexuality."
"Yes ... 'rumors' ..."
And the saddest part is, there isn't a whole lot we can do about it now. As much as I'd love to say that we shouldn't flood our social networking timelines with angry words when we hear that Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together, how do we not? When you read the details and see the pictures, it can be downright infuriating. But did the collective outrage we expressed really accomplish anything?
Sure it did. We now have a Rocky-type anthem for women who lack the necessary courage to give their relationship with the piece of shit boyfriend who broke their face a second chance.
That's about it though, unfortunately.
I'm not saying you're wrong to get angry when you hear about one celeb who's done another wrong. I'm just saying that your rage is going to send a way different message than you wanted it to if the celebrity in question for some reason fails to heed your advice.
#1. Movie Adaptations of Childhood Cartoons
Remember all of those great cartoons that you loved as a child? I was especially serious about my G.I. Joe fandom. How serious? I once wrote an angry letter to "G.I. Joe headquarters" at the age of 6 because some bullshit G.I. Joe peripheral item that I'd sent in a bunch of "Flag Points" to purchase failed to arrive in a time frame conducive to the success of the military operation I was unleashing in my backyard at the time. That serious. In fact, at one point, I had every single G.I. Joe action figure available. I did not include the gigantic G.I. Joe line in this assessment of my Joe collection because, even as a child, I knew that dolls were for girls.
Pictured: Some Village People shit.
"Bring me a big G.I. Joe if I ever need to show you where the Army man touched me" would have been a hilarious thing for a child of my age at the time to have said, but I was nowhere near that clever back then. That's probably why a bunch of plastic action figures and a cartoon that co-starred dozens of automatic weapons yet always ended with some kind of morality tale provided me hours upon hours of question-free entertainment.
Honest questions: 1) How the fuck do Destro's lips move?
2) How many panty eggs did it take to make Cobra Commander's mask?
It's also why I understand that I have absolutely no right to be bothered that the movie version of the G.I. Joe franchise, featuring a Wayans brother and the "acting chops" from Magic Mike, mind you, fails to strike a chord with my adult sensibilities.
The G.I. Joe franchise has paid its debt to me by absolutely rocking my grade school world with its special brand of military do-goodery. We're talking about a cartoon series that's over 30 years old now, though. I loved it as a kid because I was a kid when I loved it. But I have no expectations that the people in charge of rebooting G.I. Joe for a new generation of schoolchildren have me in mind. The people making the movie have to try and impress some other demographic if they're going to accumulate enough new G.I. Joe fans to make their one-off reboot into a franchise. That demographic definitely does not include a bunch of dudes in their mid-30s.
No, for marketing purposes, you are dead to Hollywood. They still want you to see the movie, of course, so they'll throw the "purists" a few bones in the form of whatever grown men who can't let go of the mundane details of the G.I. Joe universe deem an appropriate nod to their sad existence. But for the most part, the studio is just going to make the movie that they want to make, no matter what the fanboys have to say about it. And that's exactly what they should be doing. It's their job.
If a movie based on your favorite childhood cartoon doesn't resonate with you today, don't work yourself into a nerdy rage because someone is "disrespecting the franchise" or whatever. Instead, take it as a sign that, as you've grown as a person, you've simply become a little bit more difficult to entertain. That's nothing to be angry about.
Adam never gets angry about anything. What a lucky guy. Find out how he does it by following him on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr. To see him tell jokes in person, come to the Ed Galvez Punk House Show at Westside Comedy Theater February 20, 2013. Buy tickets here!