5 Terrifying Implications of Surviving a Horror Movie

#2. The Descent

The Descent is an adorable little tale of a group of girls with a passion for spelunking who get eaten by grub people in a massive system of caves, except for the one lady at the end who gets away. (This actually depends on what version of the movie you saw, but let's just say you watched the version in which she got away, which, technically, has to be the official ending, because they made a sequel.)

So that scene where she woke up from the escape-dream was itself a dream.
Like Inception, but with an overzealous makeup department.

In the sequel, the woman leads another group back to the cave, because that's how horror movies work: Officials don't believe you and, assuming you're a lying murderer, follow you back to an isolated cave system to see if your story about the penis monsters pans out. For real though, didn't they look like a bunch of foreskin men? They so did.

Naturally, everyone dies again with the help of one weirdo who is trying to keep the monsters' secret. Those foreskindlers sure are voracious!

They only took tiiiips!

But the issue here is that she got away once. The story got out. Unless local law enforcement and the team of experts decided that they'd take the word of the lady they had already assumed was a murderer, more people are coming. Help is on the way.

Eventually, those dick beasts, too full of new people meat, or with their numbers dwindling so much they won't be able to rely on human stupidity to keep them secret anymore, will be discovered. With an entirely new life-form to study, scientists will ship the foreskin men around the world for research. They'll go to zoos. They'll be bred and protected as an endangered species. Then it's only a matter of time before the world's first bipedal, cannibalistic phalli become the targets of hunters looking to up the ante with more exotic game. And is there a chance they wouldn't be used in some kind of weird sporting event where they get tossed in a pit and forced to fight to the death while people place bets? Not likely.

Finally, something to reinvigorate reality TV.

#1. The Ring

The Ring and its sequel were pretty popular films despite the complete ridiculousness of the plot and how weird that Aidan kid was. For real -- ignore the girl in the well -- what was his deal? He looked like the only 7-year-old in the world on a three-week bender. He looked like he'd taste your toothbrush.

And then steal all your coke.

So, in a nutshell, The Ring is about an evil little girl who, in reality, is just an asshole who likes killing everyone. Kill, kill, kill! All damn day. And, naturally, she uses the magical technology of VHS tapes to facilitate this.

Across the first movie and its sequel, the creepy kid and his mom, Rachel, try to survive the awful little girl's wrath, and eventually, they put a stop to her (and not by doing nothing that makes any sense, but -- shh! -- no time to worry about that). The bigger problem is that the first victim was the little boy's cousin. Then, right after Rachel visits him, it's the little girl's adopted father. Then it's the creepy boy's dad. And the bodies following Rachel across the country continue to pile up until they are a generous handful of corpses that she's had direct contact with, most of whom died the same, mysterious way. You don't have to be Detective Fin Tutuola to figure out that some fishy shit is afoot here. (But if you were Detective Fin Tutuola, you'd say something like "Yo, look at the size of my wife's ass. You wanna see something that really kills? Dat ass!" It's not profound, but he still might say it.)

In fact, that kind of makes it more likely.

Once the evil little girl is stored safe and sound in her well, Rachel would have had only a few days before police, likely investigating the death of the doctor who had forbidden her access to her own son when she tried to drown him, came a-knockin'. They'd already be aware that the boy's dad and cousin had died at that point as well ... kind of like a couple of local teens had. Hmm. And unless she's the smoothest talker on earth and can really sell the "evil dead girl who comes out of the TV" excuse that we all try to cover our own asses now and again, odds are she's looking at consecutive life sentences.

And one hell of a plumbing bill.

Check out more from Ian in 8 Romantic Songs You Didn't Know Were About Rape and 12 'Sexy' Ads That Will Give You Nightmares.

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Ian Fortey

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