5 Terrible Things You Can't Stop Your Children From Doing
#2. "I'll never let my kids touch a gun!"
Some of my European readers are going to be completely lost here; I realize England isn't exactly known for its Free Glocks to Toddlers program. And even in the U.S., you can't just walk into a Wal-Mart in New York City or Chicago, buy a .357 Magnum and be ass deep in your shooting spree before lunch.
But even to a lot of other American readers (or whatever other gun-loving country you're from), the idea of letting a kid use a gun is fucking insane. "What, you want him to accidentally shoot his brother and four of the neighbors, and then himself?"
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All while being shirtless?!
But Here's the Thing ...
Where I'm from, guns are as common as cars, easier to buy than sinus medicine and many kids know how to fire them before they even learn their multiplication tables. This is a farming and hunting community, guns are used to put food on the table or to keep coyotes out of the chicken coop. Hell, kids here get an excused day out of school on the first day of deer season. That sounds like a joke; I assure you it's not.
Now, here's the thing ... I don't own a gun. And I've seen one of my kids accidentally punch himself in the face, so the idea of him even holding a gun is enough to give me an anxiety attack. But what's in my house is of little consequence when you consider that most of his friends do have them. They're part of the landscape here.
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In fact, a whole section of our high school marching band is more heavily armed than our local police department.
Even if we're assuming perfectly responsible parents who keep unloaded weapons locked inside a gun cabinet, we're talking about curious children here. They know where you hide the Christmas presents. They know where you keep your porn. Unless you keep it inside your own asshole, they will find that key. Even then, I'm not so sure they couldn't get it without you noticing. One of my kids once stole a PlayStation disc from me while I was playing it.
Now, here's where things really start making me nervous. Every contact my kids have had with guns has been on a fantasy level. Playing Halo and Modern Warfare on the Xbox. Playing with their Nerf guns, which are designed to be shot at humans ... the newest set is comprised of Velcro darts that stick to special T-shirts.
I'm not one of those people who thinks that movies and games turn ordinary people into raging psychopaths, shooting up schools while shouting out the Ten Commandments. But I'm also not ignoring the fact that the only lesson they've had about guns so far is, "Point at a human and pull the trigger to make fun occur." In this part of the country, they have to learn what a gun is, what it does and how to handle one without killing or maiming themselves or someone else.
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"OK, now in this exercise, you want to shoot as close to your dad as possible without hitting him. It'll teach you control."
So this year, I went back on my word and got them BB guns for Christmas. Yes, it's not quite the same thing as a 12-gauge shotgun, but it makes me feel a lot better knowing that I can teach them about gun safety without the fear of becoming a newspaper headline.
It's yet another compromise, and you've probably noticed that's pretty much the running theme of this article.
#1. "I better never catch my kid fighting!"
You see this one on a lot of family based sitcoms. A kid comes home from school with a black eye, and the parents flip out. The dad awkwardly tries to teach the kid how to fight while the mother protests. The child ends up going back to school and fighting the bully, where he gets his ass kicked again. Then it's wrapped up with an "I told you so" moment from the mother, followed by the lesson, "Fighting never solves anything."
Hell, I've even written about how telling an adult is the safest, most surefire way to get rid of a bully, and I stick by that advice.
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"I'm telling you, Mom, if he takes my lunch money tomorrow, I'm sticking his bitchass to a wall with a fucking katana."
But Here's the Thing ...
When I was a kid, I had a guy that just would not let up with his harassment. I told my mom, and nothing happened. I told my teachers and the principal. Not only did it not help, but it got worse. Now, I was the pussy who couldn't fight his own battles, and I got endless torment over it.
Then one day, while watching a friend of mine in a little league baseball game, the guy showed up again and cornered me away from the rest of the adults. I got pretty scared and yelled out for help, but it didn't work because everyone at the game was making enough noise that my voice just sort of blended in. That, or they were all secretly taking bets on how much blood I could lose before going into a coma.
So when he started his shit, I did the only thing I could do ... I flipped out and started blindly throwing punches while screaming and crying. Basically the same thing I do while having sex.
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Let me introduce you to the working end of an orgasm, baby!
Did I win? I don't know, that wasn't the point. About 20 seconds in, we were both out of breath, and he just stopped. It was the last time he ever messed with me, and I don't say that in a bragging "I'm such a badass" way. I was an awkward 9-year-old kid with no strength, power or finesse. I couldn't have been a badass if I had a genie's lamp that granted three wishes and dispensed free steroids.
My point is, I think every single person reading this has a similar story. Yep, violence is bad. Nonviolence is awesome. But you want to tell me that there's never a time to fight? Bullshit.
The first time my own kids encountered a bully, I had to sit down with them and tell them as honestly as I could that they should never go out starting fights or specifically looking for one. But if they found themselves in a situation where nobody could help, they wouldn't be in trouble with me or their mom if they had to throw punches in order to protect themselves.
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Despite what the self-defense books tell you, licking them into submission rarely ever works.
No, it's not always the best solution. But, standing there and taking punches while nobody comes to your rescue is the quickest way to tell a bully, "You can do this to me anytime you want. I'm easy prey."
So yes, kids, sometimes the world is an imperfect place, riddled with assholes. And no, we won't always be there to protect you. If we're not honest about that as parents, what good are we?
For good ideas on how to punish your kids for doing these things, check out 9 Toys That Prepare Children for a Life of and 10 Great Books For (Traumatizing) Children.
"Hell, I've even written about how telling an adult is the safest, most surefire way to get rid of a bully, and I stick by that advice."
ReplyAmen to that.
I have a tween girl, and my son just turned 6. They are good kids. I agree with pretty much this whole article, as I have experienced most of these things (not the alcohol yet, thank God!) and the biggest lesson I've learned is that very few things are ABSOLUTELY no or yes, aside from the obvious biggies. A fat, 5th grade boy is bullying my kindergarten son on the bus. The bus driver is useless to help, so I told my daughter that she needs to help protect her brother if an adult who will help is not around. If the boy hits my son, my daughter can defend her brother, and she's not in trouble with us for it. So the other day, when my son told me that the bully tried to hit him, but "then he didn't cause my sister smashed his face into the window, so now he's scared of her" what I told her was that I was sorry it had to come to that, but she did what she felt she had to do in the situation. In my heart I was going "YAAAAYYYYY!!!!" If that makes me a horrible Mother, so be it.
ReplyAs a gun nut I say the opposite to #2: "I love guns, and there's no way my kids aren't going to love them as well!"
ReplySo I've just got to ask this, it's a legitimate question... am I the only person who's nearly at legal drinking age who's seriously never had alcohol or done any sort of drugs? The closest thing would be that old grape juice from our fridge. I've never even had a cigarette... >.>
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNope. My first drink wasn't until I was 21. And no, it wasn't the night I turned 21. I went out and bought a heineken just so I could and gave it to my mom. I'm still kind of new at drinking. I quickly learned what "limits" were. I got really drunk seeing double, and I remember whining "why the f#$@ do people do this to themselves? Regularly!!!???) So I learned 1) limits 2) beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. But, frankly, I'm not a fan. A buzz from one drink and I'm good. As far as drugs, no. No desire. And even if I did, my mom would beat my a$$. Except for marijuana. I was going thru a serious depression, not eating, and serious insomnia, to the point where I would be sleepless for days, and sleep deprived, and still could not fall asleep at night. None of my meds were working. So she and my aunt asked my doc about marijuana. I sat there stunned. Until my doc asked how many years in school I had left. He said, no joke, that he didn't want to put me on it because I was still in college. I sat there in shock. Everyone was talking about this like it was my next course of treatment. All I could think was (1 is there a pill form instead? and 2) I will choke, i will smell, and i would feel dirty. But, yea, the only drug my mom endorsed
No, you're not the only one. I don't understand why people would want to ruin their bodies with alcohol and nicotine and tobacco (I say as I eat junk-food...)
I've done my share, never had any interest in drugs, but got hooked just the same. I was 24, I dated the wrong man, it happens. I didn't even know at first what it was, nothing about actually using them and foolishly trusted him to respect my choice not to do drugs. None of that mattered. We need better education when it comes to drugs. Just say no is not enough and scare tactics are counter-productive.
Oh, and yes I drank by the time I was 14, with parental supervision. I learned what the stages were, my limits, and to drink for the enjoyment of the beverage rather than with the intent to get 'smashed'.
A lot of these commenters have very deep questions and responses....man I just wanna know how you let the kids steal the PS3 game right from outta your console?!? lol
ReplyI got bullied a fair amount as a kid, and I noticed something during my 12 years of mandatory schooling:
ReplyThe only time a bully ever left me alone was when I fought them. It didn't matter who won, it didn't matter when or where it happened; if we got into a fight, they would leave me alone.
What makes it even stranger is that it never failed. Not once did a bully ever try to pick a fight with me again. We'd argue, but we never fought.
Hell, it's even been supported by science. Over 50% of all communication is pure body language. It makes perfect scientific sense that getting into a fight and holding your own, if not winning, does a lot more for your personal safety than anything else.
I seriously believe that kids between the ages of 6 and 12 should be allowed to fight each other with adult supervision. At that age, they aren't strong enough to quickly hurt each other, they don't have the coordination to make up for the lack of strength, and they still have enough respect for authority that the adult can stop things if they get out of hand.
To top it off, letting kids fight each other will help us pick out the kids who are likely to develop behavior problems of one sort or another. Such tendencies almost always shine through in very stressful situations, like a fight.
I understand your theory, but in that same sense having adult supervised fights sends the message of "fighting is okay" to the younger generation, which even though we should always promote self defense we should also be teaching alternate ways of conflict resolution. Also, you forget that not all parents can be held to a standard that would be beneficial to all parties involved. To put it bluntly; sometimes lil' Can't Get Right is that way because he comes from a long line of "Can't Get Right". While I applaud the sentiment I say keep the "fighting" in organized sports such as boxing or karate, continue to preach nonviolence with a healthy dose of self-defense to all kids in general.
I don't see what the big deal with kids and guns is. Not every kid who plays halo is going to be tempted to go all columbine on their local school. Finding their dad's .357 doesn't mean their going to scratch that itch on the roof of their mouth. Depending on the situation, training children to use a gun can actually be helpful. Consider this scenario: the s**t has inevitably hit the fan, you ,your children and your trusty deer rifle have made it to say, the mountains, but you have broken your leg/arm. Your're low on food,but there's plenty of deer. Guess what? Since your child has no experience loading,aiming or even the recoil of your rifle and you cant move, it's useless. Even taking your id with you to the firing range once in a big while (where allowed) is a HUGE improvement over say, having a huge-ass ,tricked-out survival rifle or shotgun only YOU can use. I'm not saying every toddler should be packing a .44 magnum with the iphone they all seem to have nowadays, but at least try giving them a little bit of practice with say, a .22 or .223 (similar recoil, more range accuracy and damage)
ReplyKids are stupid if they can't listen to their parents, just saying.
Replykids are stupid period..so is the rest of the species
My mom always said she'd never forbid me to wear anything, because I would just put in a paper bag and put it on when I reached my destination.
ReplySmart mom.
I like how "touch a gun" is the only thing on here I actually wouldn't let my kid do. I'm not opposed to dangerous weapons...I carried a pocketknife and a bow and arrow before I even hit puberty. Hell, I could MAKE my own bow and arrows as a kid. I just don't like firearms; they make harming others too easy. Most of the rest of it is stuff I would like him not to do, but when kids reach a certain age all you can do is hope you taught them not to be complete fucktards. If your kid is smart, he or she WILL figure out how to weasel around your rules and at that point it's better to teach them how to be smart about it than outright forbid it. The best lessons are to know responsible from irresponsible alcohol use, and a good kid on the bad path from a bad kid on a worse path.
ReplyThat being said, if my son is going to go out in public in a tube top and a miniskirt he'd better damn well know how to fight :)
I agree with all the points here. After the horrible results of my older two siblings (to put it nicely, they were and are, hardheaded fucktards) my Mom took these points into consideration (an action that repeatedly pissed my Father off to no end) and adjusted her child-rearing to manipulate a better result from us (instead of using her parent's heavily religious knee-jerk reactions, something she always detested). My Father, coming from a long line of Servicemen and being one Himself, felt the Military method of child-rearing was a more favorable solution. It was exactly like having DBZ's Piccolo for a Father, with a hefty dash of Vegeta's "You're a Saiyan, b***h, get up, I didn't kick you into your Brother that hard!". It's funny, but it's no joke. There was an average of at least one significant injury like a broken or fractured bone or stitches a year between us, and Social Services even got involved at one point early on. My Mom accepted we'll do stupid s**t as kids and made sure we could come to her for anything, which we did, usually after we tried something first. It felt so much better experiencing stuff like alcohol, pot or sex with our HS sweethearts under her guard than behind her back, because she helped us learn the "proper" and safe ways to do things. And my Father ensured we would be confident, combat-sufficient little bastards so we could take care of ourselves individually and rely on each other as a team when the s**t hit the fan. The s**t always hits the fan at one point or other as a kid, especially when you move every year and are poor as fuck. I can't say I would do things exactly as they did, because every child is different, but I can't imagine why people would raise their kids any other way than in consideration of the points above and some sort of survival and combat training.
ReplyGood point although it kind of seems near sighted to train you and your brothers to fight as a team without a badass team name
I hate parents who are so adamantly against fighting. They're probably the same people who would s**t their pants during any real emergency. Defending yourself isn't "abhorrent", it's instinctual.
ReplyGood point. This applies to gun control too. Not EVERY owner of a hunting rifle, or colt .45 or shotgun is planning to shoot up the local school/wal-mart/mosque/whatever kids are shooting up nowadays. Most gun owners are responsible people who pay their taxes and simply own a firearm for purposes like home/self defense, hunting, or simply sport. These are the kind that usually follow state/federal laws and keep it in the closet or gunsafe,not the lining of their stereotypical trench coats and/or motorcycles.
You are made of awesome! I won't say I agree with everything you have written here 100%, but wow is it nice to hear a parent talk about raising kids who can take care of themselves as adults, and hearing an adult say that being honest with kids is the best way to arm them against the things that suck in the world. My teenager knows that if she should get into a situation where her choices are a) drive home drunk, b) ride home with someone else who is drunk, or c) call home even if it's 2am and get a ride, that we really, really want her to pick c. Really.
ReplyAs for the "don't do drugs" spiel, I gave my teenager some useful information that I am hoping will help her make smart choices. See at puberty kids have a grey cell growth spurt similar to what happens in infants. During those teenage years, the brain "prunes" away the things that aren't used, and keeps the things that are. So she knows that the habits she is forming will provide the basis for her brain for the rest of her life, and if she damages her brain, that damage will also stay with her. It puts the power of choice in her hands and makes it positive (I am choosing to actively work with my brain/body to make myself and my life better. I am creating my own brain!) rather than a negative (my parents will kill me if I drink/smoke/do drugs). That information also provides some sort of reason that "drugs can make you stupid" other than "I said so".
Yaya - Finally someone who agrees with my stance on bullying! 1. Keep away if poss 2. tell a teacher/parent/etc - 3. BUT if you get cornered finish it there and then! (Oh...and learn deep biting sarcasm skills - very useful in the office where 'finishing' it will get you fired)
ReplyIf wearing a tiny bit of blush with this one shirt (so you don't look like a porclelain doll) once every two weeks is considered NOT wearing make-up, I didn't wear make-up until I was 17. Didn't need it until that stupid acne attack and I wanted to mask my face as much as humanly possible...
ReplyYeah, for an European reader, the "I won't let my kid touch a gun" is very close to "I won't have my kid get anywhere near an illegal toxic radioactive waste dump".
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesHang on, is the implication here that European readers don't have guns, or that they DO have a lot of illegal toxic radioactive waste dumps?
Yup. All of Europe is Chernobyl. No doubt about it.
Enough Cracked for now. I have to feed the squirrel that got fused to my legs, yes two of them, last time the elementary school/nuclear reactor went to s**t
Because you can teach a child to use an illegal toxic radioactive waste dump carefully, safely and with respect so they never use it to hurt themselves or anyone else? Interesting...
Currently in my last year of high school at the moment, and I've yet to be drunk. I've had drinks before, but never enough to get drunk (though, strangely, enough to have a headache the next morning). Marijuana, on the other hand, is something I have plenty of experience with, despite only toking for about a year now. I've never really gotten the hype surrounding alcohol. From what it looks like, it: makes you feel like s**t the next morning, makes you an a*****e to the people around you (sometimes), makes you do all-around dumb s**t that you regret the next day. I understand it acts as a sort of social lubricant when used correctly and responsibly though, and I probably shouldn't be passing judgment like this without ever actually having been properly drunk before. Regardless, I'd rather smoke a bowl than have a beer any day.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMight I add, most of my experience with alcohol comes pre-packaged with a house filled with semi-mentally-incapacitated 16, 17 and 18 year olds who can't seem to hold their liquor and regularly binge drink because they think it's cool. Oh, I belong to an revolutionary generation indeed.
Binge drinkers generally have either no self control at all and very little understanding of alcohol, very little experience, or they secretly want to die.
And just so you know, puking from drinking too much is FAR better than holding it in. You'll feel better in the morning, and you won't die from the alcohol poisoning that's making you feel sick.
from a fellow toker of 10 years, stick to pot. nothing too good really ever comes from alcohol. I have known too many people with serious alcohol problems, and as good of people as they are, the alcohol has a big impact on about every aspect of their lives. pot maybe psychologically addicting, but having quit numerous times, i will tell you it is very easy. quitting cigarettes was 100 times harder than quitting pot (even smoking 8-12 times a day for 6 straight years) the one problem with smoking though, is having to take care of your drunk friends at parties/tailgates/etc. puking in your yard, driving them home. in most party situations, as a smoker who doesn't drink, and as a caring person, i end up having to take care of my drunk friends every time.
Frankly, I think the system needs a revamp: parents need to stop cotton-padding their kids. Now, that's not saying don't try to bring things up in an age-appropriate manner, but we need to re-evaluate what is appropriate at a given age. Here's a hint: it's different for every kid. Just explain, in whatever terms your kid is going to understand and make good sense of what stuff is, what it does, what's generally considered acceptable, and what's just a damn stupid idea.
ReplyI absolutely LOVED when a guy once tried to bash video games, films and really the entirety of media for exposing children to violence, drugs, alcohol, guns, bla bla bla. I loved it because I shut his mouth in the most satisfying way by telling him that he is right, they shouldn't be able to be shown that guns kill, that drugs and alcohol are dangerous to you and those around you, and that the fact that you are incapable of taking 5 seconds to make sure your child understands the difference between fiction and reality when it comes to these subjects is a unbelievably admiral thing. I'd rather my child understand that a knife will kill you through a game or movie that have to learn the hard way.
ReplyGrand Theft Auto: The Real-Life Simulation Game!!
It is a good idea to show a child at some point what a gun is and let them shoot it (at a shooting range or something like that of course). There are lots of camps or activities held by the police that give kids the opportunity to do this. The idea is, the mystery and awe will disappear and kids will understand and respect the responsibility that comes with handling a firearm. It will hopefully become no more a threat in the home than a power tool or kitchen appliance they know not to use without supervision.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI am not entirely sure where I remember seeing this, but I believe that in a few staged instances (for a Tv show or the News) where a gun was placed in a toy box at a day care, most children would pick up and pretend to shoot the gun, conflicted whether or not it was a toy or if they should tell an adult. The children who had parents that had owned guns and had let their children fire them were the only children who would immediately suggest they get an adult and stay away from the gun (while being understandably mortified at the other children pointing a shooting at each other.)
Here in California (pansy state of America) we have no such school programs, which is kind of a bummer.
I've heard this referred to as inoculating kids against guns. It is exactly what I intend to do with my children when they are old enough to hold a gun. Teach them the safety rules, how to operate a gun, and what to do if they find a gun somewhere. Then take them to the range and let them shoot until the gun is a familiar tool instead of a mysterious object of power and intimidation.
JMD50's got a good point. It's the same rationale French parents have for serving their children small, watered down glasses of wine with dinner. By rendering the formerly taboo into something ordinary, the allure behind that thing diminishes and it becomes less tempting to do risky things with it.
BTW, as far as the rest of this thing goes, I found that what worked for me while growing up is not having the free time to get into any trouble, engaging in academic things from a very early age, and being praised for my academic endeavors about all else. I also found school uniforms helped out in the sense that when I wasn't in uniform (or dressed up for Sunday Mass), I wanted to wear the most comfortable, baggiest clothing. I preferred sweat suits and t-shirt-and-baggy-jeans combos over anything form-fitting. And because I prioritized my brain above all else, I didn't bother with my looks. So I stayed out of trouble throughout those "troublesome" teen years.