5 Terrible Things You Can't Stop Your Children From Doing
Almost nobody has a plan for how they're going to raise their kids. What they have, instead, is a series of promises about how they won't raise them. We see shrieking kids running around a restaurant or throwing shit-covered cats off of the neighbor's roof while Mom talks on her cell phone, and we promise ourselves we won't be that parent.
But when you actually become a parent, you realize that you were imagining a theoretical perfect child that you can grow like a plant -- just dump the right amount of water and shit on it and he'll be fine. In reality, kids have a way of making you look like an asshole. And all of those bold declarations will turn into a series of complicated compromises. Like ...
#5. "I'd never let my kid out of the house, dressed like that!"
You're driving through town on a summer day, when some chick catches your eye, wearing an outfit you once saw on a backup dancer in a 90s rap video. As you pass, you get a better look and realize, "Holy shit, she can't be 14 years old!" Then you go home and wash your eyes with acid and attend confession even though you aren't Catholic. Just in case.
Then when you get to be a little bit older, that reaction will be amended with, "Damn, she's only a year older than my kid!" followed by the declaration, "With God as my witness, my child will never leave the house looking like that! She's not wearing makeup until she's 18, low-cut tops will be strictly forbidden and if she wants a skirt, she can buy the kind that goes past her ankles from the quiet Mormon couple down the street."
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There we go. Guys love this look!
But Here's the Thing ...
I asked 10 women at random what age they started wearing makeup, and the average answer was sixth grade (about age 11). None of them grew up to be skanks, and none of the mothers who raised them were skanks (though I admit this is a difficult question to get an accurate answer to).
My point is, as a male whose mind is almost entirely filth, it's easy to see a certain type of clothing (when worn on an adult) as an invitation to sex, and to get repulsed when I see those clothes on a kid.
But think about that. At that age, do you honestly think that when they're putting on eyeshadow and picking out jeans, that they're thinking of enticing a fellow sixth grader into bed? Hell no. They want to feel grown up, so they dress like the grownups. The overwhelming majority of women I've asked about this told me the same thing: "We didn't wear makeup back then to attract boys. We wore it to fit in with other girls."
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"Am I doing it right? Am I pretty yet?"
And your kid is going to want to fit in.
I haven't had that argument with my daughter yet (she's only 6) but I've gotten a preview with my sons, who are on the verge of being teenagers. At some point, it's no longer like sticking a sweater on a dog -- kids are eventually going to want to dress themselves. They'll settle in with a social circle, and every circle wants to define themselves by what they wear. If I'm reading the fashion trends right, three years from now my son's friends will probably be dressing like a 1984 era David Lee Roth, and they'll want to do the same. The argument we have isn't going to be between making them dress in sensible sweaters versus spandex, but between making sure they go with the tasteful black spandex instead of the flamboyant leopard skin.
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You have to have a little class, is what I'm saying.
Just to be clear, it's not about just giving in, and it's not that I'm going to be OK with letting my daughter dress like a whore. It's that my opinion of what clothes are whorish will be completely different from what teenagers think whores dress like, and that's going to be even more true in 2017. It's idiotic for me to tell my girl that dressing that way "sends the wrong signals" when, in reality, the signals are completely different than they were when I was in high school. Hell, clothes that would have gotten you called a whore in 1920 can be worn to a job interview now.
So, I'll compromise. And I'll hate every second of it.
#4. "I'll never let my kid hang around that crowd!"
Every parent of every fuckup kid says the same thing when the cops call. "I don't know what my little Johnny was doing in the car with those dopehead kids! I told him not to run with that crowd!"
We can't imagine that our kids make their own choices; we imagine that as soon as our kid is out of our sight, they're at a party surrounded by shady characters, probably in tiny leather jackets, saying, "You know what all us cool kids are doing? Injecting heroin directly into our brains. Here, you'll need a drill."
So clearly saving your kids' life means keeping them away from the shitheads.
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Especially gigantic ones who like to chop down houses.
But Here's the Thing ...
First, don't let me dismiss the effect peers have on a kid. When we're teenagers, we like to think of ourselves as individuals with the mental power to resist peer pressure. We're not sheep. It's not until you're an adult that you can look back and fully realize how perfectly you conformed to your group (and now some experts say peers actually matter more than parents in a kid's development). So, keeping your kid away from the bad apple is non-negotiable, right?
Well, my boys had a friend who for the sake of privacy we'll call "Clusterfuck Condombreak." Clusterfuck was constantly in trouble at school, spending as much time in detention as he did in the classroom. Outside of school, he'd been busted several times for shoplifting. He was temperamental and prone to breaking into fight mode if he didn't get his way. My ex wife and I banned him from the house, and told our kids that they were not to be around him anymore.
But that's when you realize it's like trying to avoid the annoying co-worker who shares the same cubicle as you. These kids go to the same small-town school, they share classes, they all have recess together, they ride the same bus.
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Commit arson together.
So, when Clusterfuck approaches them, what are they supposed to do? It's really goddamned easy for me to tell my kids, "Just say that you don't want to be friends any more." Sure. Have you ever done that? Looked somebody right in the eyes and said, "I can't talk to you because a third party has determined that you're a bad person."
Okay, now imagine being a ten year old boy and not only having to say that, but also having to explain to your group of mutual friends that either Clusterfuck goes, or he goes.
It's so easy to over-simplify those social situations when it's children involved. "Oh, sure, we have social drama and office politics and cliques and alliances, but these are just kids." Trust me, if you think that, you apparently don't retain any memories of your childhood. That shit gets messy. It isn't helping the kid to pretend it's not.
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"Hey, do you guys want to meet up later and ignore Melanie in front of her own house?"
So, no, you don't get to cherry-pick your kids' friends the way you can decide what haircut they get. The only thing you can do is try your best to teach them right from wrong and hope they make the right decisions. You try to give them the tools to see why Clusterfuck is going down a bad road, and hope that they arrive at that decision for themselves.
But here's the scary part: They're not always going to. Especially if part of Clusterfuck's appeal is that he's a badass who shuns authority -- an authority figure telling them not to hang out with him is basically an endorsement. So all you can do is hope that if it all goes wrong, you can be there after the fact to make sure they understand it, and that it goes wrong on a level of setting off some illegal fireworks and not, say, hijacking an armored car.
#3. "I'll never let my kids around booze or drugs!"
If anyone has the right to take a "If I catch you with alcohol, I will stab you with the broken bottle" stance, it's me. My kids are not going to go through what I went through.
End of discussion.
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I'll be damned if I let them get drunk and buy 1970s phones.
But Here's the Thing ...
They'll actually be happy to end the discussion, because that will give them more time to go out and sneak beers with their friends.
By around age 13 about 40 percent of kids will admit to pollsters that they've tried alcohol. Who knows what the real number is. That jumps to 66 percent by age 15. For boys, the average age when they first try alcohol is 11.
About 40 percent% of high school kids will admit to having tried marijuana, and if you expand that to any illicit drug, that number climbs to half. I'm going to go way out on a limb and say the percentage of them who are lying to this pollster is even higher than the booze one, since the law and social stigma are both harder on drugs than beer. Put it all together, and by the time your kid moves out, the odds are overwhelming they've tried at least one addictive substance. If not, don't worry -- they'll have plenty more chances in college.
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These men are 47 years old.
And there isn't a goddamn thing we can do to stop them, short of chaining them to their bed and eliminating all of the social interaction that's going to help them develop into a non-asshole adult. They're going to attend parties where people are drinking and smoking. They are going to be offered that shit.
All you can do, is educate them. But here's the thing -- you can't just make shit up to scare them off of it.
They tried that with me in the 1980s, the whole "Just Say No" thing that spammed our TV shows and health classes with blatantly exaggerated and sometimes outright false information. They said that marijuana would turn you into a mindless zombie, unable to function in the real world. Drinkers were depicted as wife-beating, unemployable disasters who eventually die in a pool of their own vomit. They taught us that one hit off of a crack pipe would get you addicted.
Don't get me wrong -- crack is awful, but the sheer, honest numbers are that only 7 percent of people who try it become regular users. So what happens when a kid sees that some people try the worst of the worst drugs and come out unscathed? What happens when they see the laughable difference between the stoner at school and the ruined marijuana addict depicted in the health class videos?
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All drug users live in the sewer, right?
Their trust is gone, that's what happens. "Wait, if they've been lying to us about this, what other bullshit have they been shoveling?"
Hell, in many cases, a lot of us tried those things because it was taboo. "I know it's dangerous. That's just the kind of guy I am. Fuck authority, man." Then we'd put on some Rage Against the Machine and talk about how much the cops were holding us down. So why do I think that the same shit that didn't work on me is suddenly going to work with my kids?
No, the only thing we can do is educate our kids on what substance abuse really is. And that means letting them know honestly that there's a huge difference between recreational use and chemical dependence. No, smoking a bowl with some friends isn't going to turn you into a drooling social outcast. But keeping yourself in a perpetual buzz day-in and day-out will not only cost you a fuckload of money, but if you get caught doing it, your ass will go to jail. And no, despite what the stoners tell you, that shit isn't as harmless as candy. Drinking a few beers with friends isn't going to make you beat your wife and kids. But drinking in the wrong situations is a good way to wind up becoming a parent, yourself and drinking and driving is a good way to wind up fucking dead.
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If the ensuing wreck doesn't kill you, I fucking will.
In a perfect world, our kids' first introduction to alcohol would be in a controlled environment, chaperoned by responsible adults who could provide transportation home and a safe atmosphere. But the truth is, most of them will find out exactly like we did. In a friend's basement, yelling over loud music, through a thick layer of smoke.
"Hell, I've even written about how telling an adult is the safest, most surefire way to get rid of a bully, and I stick by that advice."
ReplyAmen to that.
I have a tween girl, and my son just turned 6. They are good kids. I agree with pretty much this whole article, as I have experienced most of these things (not the alcohol yet, thank God!) and the biggest lesson I've learned is that very few things are ABSOLUTELY no or yes, aside from the obvious biggies. A fat, 5th grade boy is bullying my kindergarten son on the bus. The bus driver is useless to help, so I told my daughter that she needs to help protect her brother if an adult who will help is not around. If the boy hits my son, my daughter can defend her brother, and she's not in trouble with us for it. So the other day, when my son told me that the bully tried to hit him, but "then he didn't cause my sister smashed his face into the window, so now he's scared of her" what I told her was that I was sorry it had to come to that, but she did what she felt she had to do in the situation. In my heart I was going "YAAAAYYYYY!!!!" If that makes me a horrible Mother, so be it.
ReplyAs a gun nut I say the opposite to #2: "I love guns, and there's no way my kids aren't going to love them as well!"
ReplySo I've just got to ask this, it's a legitimate question... am I the only person who's nearly at legal drinking age who's seriously never had alcohol or done any sort of drugs? The closest thing would be that old grape juice from our fridge. I've never even had a cigarette... >.>
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNope. My first drink wasn't until I was 21. And no, it wasn't the night I turned 21. I went out and bought a heineken just so I could and gave it to my mom. I'm still kind of new at drinking. I quickly learned what "limits" were. I got really drunk seeing double, and I remember whining "why the f#$@ do people do this to themselves? Regularly!!!???) So I learned 1) limits 2) beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. But, frankly, I'm not a fan. A buzz from one drink and I'm good. As far as drugs, no. No desire. And even if I did, my mom would beat my a$$. Except for marijuana. I was going thru a serious depression, not eating, and serious insomnia, to the point where I would be sleepless for days, and sleep deprived, and still could not fall asleep at night. None of my meds were working. So she and my aunt asked my doc about marijuana. I sat there stunned. Until my doc asked how many years in school I had left. He said, no joke, that he didn't want to put me on it because I was still in college. I sat there in shock. Everyone was talking about this like it was my next course of treatment. All I could think was (1 is there a pill form instead? and 2) I will choke, i will smell, and i would feel dirty. But, yea, the only drug my mom endorsed
No, you're not the only one. I don't understand why people would want to ruin their bodies with alcohol and nicotine and tobacco (I say as I eat junk-food...)
I've done my share, never had any interest in drugs, but got hooked just the same. I was 24, I dated the wrong man, it happens. I didn't even know at first what it was, nothing about actually using them and foolishly trusted him to respect my choice not to do drugs. None of that mattered. We need better education when it comes to drugs. Just say no is not enough and scare tactics are counter-productive.
Oh, and yes I drank by the time I was 14, with parental supervision. I learned what the stages were, my limits, and to drink for the enjoyment of the beverage rather than with the intent to get 'smashed'.
A lot of these commenters have very deep questions and responses....man I just wanna know how you let the kids steal the PS3 game right from outta your console?!? lol
ReplyI got bullied a fair amount as a kid, and I noticed something during my 12 years of mandatory schooling:
ReplyThe only time a bully ever left me alone was when I fought them. It didn't matter who won, it didn't matter when or where it happened; if we got into a fight, they would leave me alone.
What makes it even stranger is that it never failed. Not once did a bully ever try to pick a fight with me again. We'd argue, but we never fought.
Hell, it's even been supported by science. Over 50% of all communication is pure body language. It makes perfect scientific sense that getting into a fight and holding your own, if not winning, does a lot more for your personal safety than anything else.
I seriously believe that kids between the ages of 6 and 12 should be allowed to fight each other with adult supervision. At that age, they aren't strong enough to quickly hurt each other, they don't have the coordination to make up for the lack of strength, and they still have enough respect for authority that the adult can stop things if they get out of hand.
To top it off, letting kids fight each other will help us pick out the kids who are likely to develop behavior problems of one sort or another. Such tendencies almost always shine through in very stressful situations, like a fight.
I understand your theory, but in that same sense having adult supervised fights sends the message of "fighting is okay" to the younger generation, which even though we should always promote self defense we should also be teaching alternate ways of conflict resolution. Also, you forget that not all parents can be held to a standard that would be beneficial to all parties involved. To put it bluntly; sometimes lil' Can't Get Right is that way because he comes from a long line of "Can't Get Right". While I applaud the sentiment I say keep the "fighting" in organized sports such as boxing or karate, continue to preach nonviolence with a healthy dose of self-defense to all kids in general.
I don't see what the big deal with kids and guns is. Not every kid who plays halo is going to be tempted to go all columbine on their local school. Finding their dad's .357 doesn't mean their going to scratch that itch on the roof of their mouth. Depending on the situation, training children to use a gun can actually be helpful. Consider this scenario: the s**t has inevitably hit the fan, you ,your children and your trusty deer rifle have made it to say, the mountains, but you have broken your leg/arm. Your're low on food,but there's plenty of deer. Guess what? Since your child has no experience loading,aiming or even the recoil of your rifle and you cant move, it's useless. Even taking your id with you to the firing range once in a big while (where allowed) is a HUGE improvement over say, having a huge-ass ,tricked-out survival rifle or shotgun only YOU can use. I'm not saying every toddler should be packing a .44 magnum with the iphone they all seem to have nowadays, but at least try giving them a little bit of practice with say, a .22 or .223 (similar recoil, more range accuracy and damage)
ReplyKids are stupid if they can't listen to their parents, just saying.
Replykids are stupid period..so is the rest of the species
My mom always said she'd never forbid me to wear anything, because I would just put in a paper bag and put it on when I reached my destination.
ReplySmart mom.
I like how "touch a gun" is the only thing on here I actually wouldn't let my kid do. I'm not opposed to dangerous weapons...I carried a pocketknife and a bow and arrow before I even hit puberty. Hell, I could MAKE my own bow and arrows as a kid. I just don't like firearms; they make harming others too easy. Most of the rest of it is stuff I would like him not to do, but when kids reach a certain age all you can do is hope you taught them not to be complete fucktards. If your kid is smart, he or she WILL figure out how to weasel around your rules and at that point it's better to teach them how to be smart about it than outright forbid it. The best lessons are to know responsible from irresponsible alcohol use, and a good kid on the bad path from a bad kid on a worse path.
ReplyThat being said, if my son is going to go out in public in a tube top and a miniskirt he'd better damn well know how to fight :)
I agree with all the points here. After the horrible results of my older two siblings (to put it nicely, they were and are, hardheaded fucktards) my Mom took these points into consideration (an action that repeatedly pissed my Father off to no end) and adjusted her child-rearing to manipulate a better result from us (instead of using her parent's heavily religious knee-jerk reactions, something she always detested). My Father, coming from a long line of Servicemen and being one Himself, felt the Military method of child-rearing was a more favorable solution. It was exactly like having DBZ's Piccolo for a Father, with a hefty dash of Vegeta's "You're a Saiyan, b***h, get up, I didn't kick you into your Brother that hard!". It's funny, but it's no joke. There was an average of at least one significant injury like a broken or fractured bone or stitches a year between us, and Social Services even got involved at one point early on. My Mom accepted we'll do stupid s**t as kids and made sure we could come to her for anything, which we did, usually after we tried something first. It felt so much better experiencing stuff like alcohol, pot or sex with our HS sweethearts under her guard than behind her back, because she helped us learn the "proper" and safe ways to do things. And my Father ensured we would be confident, combat-sufficient little bastards so we could take care of ourselves individually and rely on each other as a team when the s**t hit the fan. The s**t always hits the fan at one point or other as a kid, especially when you move every year and are poor as fuck. I can't say I would do things exactly as they did, because every child is different, but I can't imagine why people would raise their kids any other way than in consideration of the points above and some sort of survival and combat training.
ReplyGood point although it kind of seems near sighted to train you and your brothers to fight as a team without a badass team name
I hate parents who are so adamantly against fighting. They're probably the same people who would s**t their pants during any real emergency. Defending yourself isn't "abhorrent", it's instinctual.
ReplyGood point. This applies to gun control too. Not EVERY owner of a hunting rifle, or colt .45 or shotgun is planning to shoot up the local school/wal-mart/mosque/whatever kids are shooting up nowadays. Most gun owners are responsible people who pay their taxes and simply own a firearm for purposes like home/self defense, hunting, or simply sport. These are the kind that usually follow state/federal laws and keep it in the closet or gunsafe,not the lining of their stereotypical trench coats and/or motorcycles.
You are made of awesome! I won't say I agree with everything you have written here 100%, but wow is it nice to hear a parent talk about raising kids who can take care of themselves as adults, and hearing an adult say that being honest with kids is the best way to arm them against the things that suck in the world. My teenager knows that if she should get into a situation where her choices are a) drive home drunk, b) ride home with someone else who is drunk, or c) call home even if it's 2am and get a ride, that we really, really want her to pick c. Really.
ReplyAs for the "don't do drugs" spiel, I gave my teenager some useful information that I am hoping will help her make smart choices. See at puberty kids have a grey cell growth spurt similar to what happens in infants. During those teenage years, the brain "prunes" away the things that aren't used, and keeps the things that are. So she knows that the habits she is forming will provide the basis for her brain for the rest of her life, and if she damages her brain, that damage will also stay with her. It puts the power of choice in her hands and makes it positive (I am choosing to actively work with my brain/body to make myself and my life better. I am creating my own brain!) rather than a negative (my parents will kill me if I drink/smoke/do drugs). That information also provides some sort of reason that "drugs can make you stupid" other than "I said so".
Yaya - Finally someone who agrees with my stance on bullying! 1. Keep away if poss 2. tell a teacher/parent/etc - 3. BUT if you get cornered finish it there and then! (Oh...and learn deep biting sarcasm skills - very useful in the office where 'finishing' it will get you fired)
ReplyIf wearing a tiny bit of blush with this one shirt (so you don't look like a porclelain doll) once every two weeks is considered NOT wearing make-up, I didn't wear make-up until I was 17. Didn't need it until that stupid acne attack and I wanted to mask my face as much as humanly possible...
ReplyYeah, for an European reader, the "I won't let my kid touch a gun" is very close to "I won't have my kid get anywhere near an illegal toxic radioactive waste dump".
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesHang on, is the implication here that European readers don't have guns, or that they DO have a lot of illegal toxic radioactive waste dumps?
Yup. All of Europe is Chernobyl. No doubt about it.
Enough Cracked for now. I have to feed the squirrel that got fused to my legs, yes two of them, last time the elementary school/nuclear reactor went to s**t
Because you can teach a child to use an illegal toxic radioactive waste dump carefully, safely and with respect so they never use it to hurt themselves or anyone else? Interesting...
Currently in my last year of high school at the moment, and I've yet to be drunk. I've had drinks before, but never enough to get drunk (though, strangely, enough to have a headache the next morning). Marijuana, on the other hand, is something I have plenty of experience with, despite only toking for about a year now. I've never really gotten the hype surrounding alcohol. From what it looks like, it: makes you feel like s**t the next morning, makes you an a*****e to the people around you (sometimes), makes you do all-around dumb s**t that you regret the next day. I understand it acts as a sort of social lubricant when used correctly and responsibly though, and I probably shouldn't be passing judgment like this without ever actually having been properly drunk before. Regardless, I'd rather smoke a bowl than have a beer any day.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMight I add, most of my experience with alcohol comes pre-packaged with a house filled with semi-mentally-incapacitated 16, 17 and 18 year olds who can't seem to hold their liquor and regularly binge drink because they think it's cool. Oh, I belong to an revolutionary generation indeed.
Binge drinkers generally have either no self control at all and very little understanding of alcohol, very little experience, or they secretly want to die.
And just so you know, puking from drinking too much is FAR better than holding it in. You'll feel better in the morning, and you won't die from the alcohol poisoning that's making you feel sick.
from a fellow toker of 10 years, stick to pot. nothing too good really ever comes from alcohol. I have known too many people with serious alcohol problems, and as good of people as they are, the alcohol has a big impact on about every aspect of their lives. pot maybe psychologically addicting, but having quit numerous times, i will tell you it is very easy. quitting cigarettes was 100 times harder than quitting pot (even smoking 8-12 times a day for 6 straight years) the one problem with smoking though, is having to take care of your drunk friends at parties/tailgates/etc. puking in your yard, driving them home. in most party situations, as a smoker who doesn't drink, and as a caring person, i end up having to take care of my drunk friends every time.
Frankly, I think the system needs a revamp: parents need to stop cotton-padding their kids. Now, that's not saying don't try to bring things up in an age-appropriate manner, but we need to re-evaluate what is appropriate at a given age. Here's a hint: it's different for every kid. Just explain, in whatever terms your kid is going to understand and make good sense of what stuff is, what it does, what's generally considered acceptable, and what's just a damn stupid idea.
ReplyI absolutely LOVED when a guy once tried to bash video games, films and really the entirety of media for exposing children to violence, drugs, alcohol, guns, bla bla bla. I loved it because I shut his mouth in the most satisfying way by telling him that he is right, they shouldn't be able to be shown that guns kill, that drugs and alcohol are dangerous to you and those around you, and that the fact that you are incapable of taking 5 seconds to make sure your child understands the difference between fiction and reality when it comes to these subjects is a unbelievably admiral thing. I'd rather my child understand that a knife will kill you through a game or movie that have to learn the hard way.
ReplyGrand Theft Auto: The Real-Life Simulation Game!!
It is a good idea to show a child at some point what a gun is and let them shoot it (at a shooting range or something like that of course). There are lots of camps or activities held by the police that give kids the opportunity to do this. The idea is, the mystery and awe will disappear and kids will understand and respect the responsibility that comes with handling a firearm. It will hopefully become no more a threat in the home than a power tool or kitchen appliance they know not to use without supervision.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI am not entirely sure where I remember seeing this, but I believe that in a few staged instances (for a Tv show or the News) where a gun was placed in a toy box at a day care, most children would pick up and pretend to shoot the gun, conflicted whether or not it was a toy or if they should tell an adult. The children who had parents that had owned guns and had let their children fire them were the only children who would immediately suggest they get an adult and stay away from the gun (while being understandably mortified at the other children pointing a shooting at each other.)
Here in California (pansy state of America) we have no such school programs, which is kind of a bummer.
I've heard this referred to as inoculating kids against guns. It is exactly what I intend to do with my children when they are old enough to hold a gun. Teach them the safety rules, how to operate a gun, and what to do if they find a gun somewhere. Then take them to the range and let them shoot until the gun is a familiar tool instead of a mysterious object of power and intimidation.
JMD50's got a good point. It's the same rationale French parents have for serving their children small, watered down glasses of wine with dinner. By rendering the formerly taboo into something ordinary, the allure behind that thing diminishes and it becomes less tempting to do risky things with it.
BTW, as far as the rest of this thing goes, I found that what worked for me while growing up is not having the free time to get into any trouble, engaging in academic things from a very early age, and being praised for my academic endeavors about all else. I also found school uniforms helped out in the sense that when I wasn't in uniform (or dressed up for Sunday Mass), I wanted to wear the most comfortable, baggiest clothing. I preferred sweat suits and t-shirt-and-baggy-jeans combos over anything form-fitting. And because I prioritized my brain above all else, I didn't bother with my looks. So I stayed out of trouble throughout those "troublesome" teen years.