This is not an article about guilty pleasures. This is also not an article about things that are so bad that we love them for how awful they are. Lastly, this is not an article about penguins, but now I'm just being confusing.
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What are we talking about again?
This article is about things that really are perfect. They may be maligned or fail certain tests of objective beauty, quality, or greatness, but you know they're perfect because any attempt to "fix" them leads to failure. These things are just as they should be, warts and all. Join me as I choose my candidates from the worlds of film, music, literature, food, and drink. ("Join me" means keep reading. I don't want you to come with me, you weird Internet person.)
5David Lee Roth
If you're still a little shaky on the premise of this article, just let ol' Diamond Dave clear it all up for you. David Lee Roth was the original singer of Van Halen and the only one that ever mattered. Want to get a taste of what David could do? Sure, listen to his shticky faux blues greatness on "Ice Cream Man," or perhaps the song he's most known for, "Jump." I used to sing in bands, and "Jump" is the hardest song I ever had to perform. And it had nothing to do with the phrasing or note selection or any of the things that typically make songs demanding. Singing Rush, Led Zeppelin, and Soundgarden were all easier than "Jump." Why? Because it's virtually impossible to sing "Jump" without looking like a douchebag cheeseball loser. But the great David Lee Roth somehow found a way to make being a douchebag cheeseball loser look like the coolest thing you could ever hope to be:
Look, we all know Dave's vocal flaws. For the most part, his voice comes in two flavors: cocky baritone swagger and throat-cracking screech that sounds really hilarious when you isolate it.
But if You Tried to Fix It ...
You'd get this:
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Let's be clear -- Sammy Hagar and Gary Cherone are both technically better singers than David Lee Roth. They have better range and tonality, and most of all, they took Van Halen's music a little more seriously, instead of using it as an excuse for their frontman antics. And you know what? They were wrong. Van Halen's music doesn't deserve to be taken seriously. Not like that. Great Van Halen is an amalgam of power and smiles. It kicks ass while it makes you happy, and no one can touch David Lee Roth at that.
I'm old enough to remember a time when the Chicken McNugget didn't exist.
"Me just have Big Mac."
When the Chicken McNugget came to town, we all rode up to the local McDonald's in our crank-powered cars and top hats to stare at this wonder. What was a McNugget? This was a time before the "What part of a chicken does the McNugget come from?" jokes were even made. Dipping sauces other than ketchup? What is this magic? It was an exciting time, and every little boy and girl I knew lost their damn minds over how good it was.
But then the backlash. It's not real meat. It's totally processed and filled with lard. And, of course, if you eat too many, it will literally fucking kill you. OH, BOO HOO! We know. We know.
But if You Tried to Fix It ...
You'd get a chicken nugget. You know chicken nuggets. You can get them at Burger King. You can get them at the diner. You can get them in bags at your grocer's freezer. They brag that they use only real choice white meat. They mock McDonald's processed, Frankenstein production. Oh, and something else: They don't taste nearly as good. When I want a McNugget, I don't want quality chicken. If I wanted that, I'd buy some nice organic chicken breasts and make my patented chicken Parmesan that would make your dick grow six inches and your balls fall off. (Let's pretend that's a good thing.) Anyway, when I want a McNugget, I want tasty shit. Tasty. Shit. And you can't polish a turd.