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5 Terrible Jobs Anyone Can (And No One Should) Do

#2. Tech Support

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I wrote a long time ago about my experiences in tech support, and judging from the few calls I've had to make to them in the last few years, things haven't gotten any better. I had to call Netflix support in two different countries once just to get my service set up. The tech support available in one entire country was not able to assist me in my quest to watch movies that came out a year ago.

Tech support hires people in the most insidious way possible -- they offer higher than average pay and the requirement that you are capable of some manner of locomotion. That's hard to turn down. Then when you get there, you see that it's run by the Boys from Brazil, and God forbid you wear blue jeans, produce urine during working hours and skip over the step where you need to ask people calling in if their computer is plugged in and turned on. All of these will get you written up or fired or caned in the public square so the other minions of Tech can see the example you have made of yourself with your own callous and disruptive behavior. Hail Tech Support! Long Live Unpaid Overtime!

Tech support seems like a very necessary job, but it shouldn't be. I mean, your shit should work. Everything breaks down eventually, there are glitches here and there, but don't tell me stuff isn't just made in a much more lazy fashion with cheaper parts these days. You need more support for two reasons -- the stuff you buy is shittier and the people buying it are dumber.

If you've ever been in a store that sells computers when someone comes in and talks to a salesperson about how they need a computer with lots of megapixels for emailing their Facebooks and Googling their extra RAM, it's no surprise that probably a few people have to call tech support when their penis gets jammed in a USB port or they've managed to fill their hard drive with gasoline and currently the Lower East Side is in flames because they never saw this coming. But that doesn't make it right. It just means stores should bite the bullet and not let idiots leave with technology until they've demonstrated a suitable level of understanding about the product.

#1. Night Stock Clerk

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If you ever get the chance, wake up before noon someday and go to a grocery store. You may even have to do this around 8 a.m. It's asking a lot, but you should never turn down a chance to experience something new and relatively painless. When you go into the store after it's just opened, you'll be amazed to discover how pretty everything is. Unless you live in a shitty neighborhood where no one does this stuff. But most places have stock clerks working all night in that store to make it look like it's a brand new store every goddamn day.

For a solid eight hours at night, a team of hapless boobs are in that store putting new stock on shelves and turning all the old stock around and lining it up so all the shelves are fully stocked and looking brand new and untouched. Every day.

It's worth noting right now that people believe that babies are so fascinated by peek-a-boo because they don't understand that when they can no longer see you, you still exist. So a game of peek-a-boo is like a transdimensional thrill ride of a mindfuck for a baby. You exist, you don't exist, you're like Portal or something.

This thrill of discovery should not hold true for adults and canned beans. You do not need to see new, pristinely arranged canned beans every morning to still need canned beans. And why is this only done for those four lonely, elderly nutjobs who actually go to the store at 8 a.m.? By the time normal people get around to shopping, the store looks like shit again anyway, and it's totally irrelevant that someone spent all night arranging the shelves to look like they'd never been touched.

For more from Ian, check out The 5 Most Overrated Jobs Of All-Time and 8 Geek Conventions God Never Intended.

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Ian Fortey

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