#2. Randy Newman Plus Steven Bochco = Cop Rock and WTF?
Back in the '80s Steven Bochco was king of the prime time drama after executive producing Hill Street Blues and L.A. Law -- two of the biggest shows of the decade. But the '90s were a new and exciting time. There was a Democrat in the White House, and young Gladstone was finally sexually active. (Seems there was only a temporal association between a Republican presidency and me not getting any. Still, I just can't risk voting Romney in 2012.)
"This country can't afford four more years of Gladstone having sex."
And in this time of change, Steven Bochco had a novel idea. What if I take all the success of a show like Hill Street Blues and combine it with musical theater! After all, there was already precedent. The English show The Singing Detective (starring a psoriasis-afflicted replacement Dumbledore) had been wildly successful. So Steven got together with Randy Newman and Mike Post. Mike had written the classic show-opening music for Law & Order, NYPD Blue, The Rockford Files, L.A. Law, Quantum Leap, Magnum, P.I. and Hill Street Blues. Randy Newman is one of the greatest songwriters and movie composers of all time. I've previously discussed his satirical work, though he's probably best known for two fluffier pieces: Short People and I Love L.A. Oh, he's also written just about every song you've ever heard in a Pixar movie and scored movies like The Natural and Avalon.
Taking all these talents together produced the short-lived show Cop Rock. Yeah, even the title sucks. Take a whiff:
And some more?
The only good thing to come out of Cop Rock was that I used it to create the perfect drinking game for keeping people like my buddy John Cheese on their path of sobriety. Here's how you play. Run a clip of Cop Rock and take a drink each and every time you don't want to rip your ears off and choke yourself to death on them.
#1. Sex Plus Food = Dirty, Sticky Sex -- In a Bad Way
Most people like sex. Most people also enjoy both whipped cream and chocolate syrup. And somewhere along the line people thought it would be kinky to combine the two. No, not raping a tub of Cool Whip. More like being oh so naughty by putting some whipped cream on each other's sassy bits and then ... eating it off! I know! Like not even with a spoon.
Mixing food and sex is the saddest attempt to be edgy since Garth Brooks donned a wig and soul patch, pretending to be Chris Gaines.
I'm going to guess that, like whipped cream, Garth Brooks is also terrible in bed.
I know people keep doing this, but who is saying, "Hey, let's combine all the joy of oral sex with the thrill of dairy products stuck in my pubes!" And chocolate syrup? What possible reason could you have for that? You're just supposed to say you're gonna F the S out of someone; you're not supposed to make the bed look like you actually did. Also, you're not supposed to say you're gonna F the S out of someone, either. You're better than that, man.
In summary, if the only way you can get your partner's mouth anywhere near your junk is to cover it with candy, then get ready for some truly awful sex. You might as well mutually masturbate while eating ice cream.
For more from Gladstone, check out My Break Up Letter To Regina Spektor and Don't Be Like Jessica Simpson: A Lesson For Young Girls Everywhere.