You may remember that a few weeks ago, I wrote an article called 6 Supposedly Fun Activities Nobody Actually Enjoys. In that piece I took to task some of the nation's most (allegedly) widely enjoyed activities and exposed them as the mind-numbingly dull farces that they really are. The response was overwhelmingly enthusiastic.
As happy as it made me to know that my words resonated with so many people, I was a bit troubled by one recurring theme that permeated the discourse. People seemed to think that I was voicing displeasure with these things because I simply don't like going outdoors. Let me assure you, nothing could be further from the truth. I enjoy the outdoors just fine, but I figured that, seeing as how spring has finally sprung, Cracked readers would enjoy hearing that their summer plans will be a monumental waste of time. That doesn't mean I never leave the house; it just means I don't like doing boring shit when I leave the house.
So, in the name of making peace with all of the people who were offended by my alleged hatred of the great outdoors, I offer this article. Here are five more supposedly fun (mostly indoor) activities that nobody actually enjoys.
"Hey, you know what would be fun, a trip to the museum!" The preceding sentence is something no person has ever said with any semblance of honesty in their voice. Don't get me wrong, I know people claim to love museums. I'm sure tons of them will take to the comments section and call me an unsophisticated philistine for not feeling the same way. But that doesn't mean they're correct.
Deny it all you want, but the truth is that arriving at a museum is right on par with arriving at one of those national monuments that I made fun of last time around. Once you get there, literally the only thing you can do is look at a bunch of shit that you could just as easily see in a book or on the Internet. But at least in a book or on the Internet you could just skip over all the boring shit without feeling guilty about it. That's not the case at a museum. Instead, you have to stop every 50 feet or so and pretend you give a damn about what's written on the placard below whatever lifeless artifact you're looking at. Otherwise, you look like some maniac who pays $30 just to power walk your way through the Ice Age exhibit.
A stock image search assures me that this picture is what the Ice Age looked like.
When you get right down to it, museums are basically zoos for inanimate objects. Paying an admission fee to enter a place where everything is locked away so you can't touch it is a fine idea if the stuff you're looking at is flinging feces at unsuspecting spectators or swinging around on ropes and whatnot. That's just a barrel of fun. But not once in recorded history has a painting ever leaped from its enclosure and mauled the teen who had been mocking it. Real live angry tigers know how to entertain a crowd, and they don't need a ridiculous Glamour Shots for Men backdrop behind them to do it. That's more than can be said for the stuffed animals in the above photo.
"But if I could pick a backdrop, this would be it."
Let's be honest, nobody loves going to museums. What people do love, though, is anything that makes them seem a little bit more cultured and educated than the rest of us lunkheads who just waste away our free time ogling boobs and betting on cockfights. People don't go to museums because they get off on looking at a collection of fossils -- they do it because it gives them an excuse to shake their head in pity while muttering "You just don't get it" under their breath. Anyone who claims otherwise is either the most easily stimulated tourist of all time or a straight-up liar. Sorry, museum fans, there is simply no middle ground to be had there.
Alright, so I know that some of the picks on the previous list and on this list do not sit well with people. But for the life of me, I can't imagine that a single person won't agree that Monopoly is the most dreadfully boring board game of all time. As just a rough estimate, I'd say I've probably played Monopoly over 100 times in my life. Of those 100 games, maybe four of them were played to completion. A "quick" game of Monopoly is something that doesn't even exist. Your only options are "play for six hours" or "fall asleep at the table."
"Nuh-uh, dude, they have that speed die now," to which I replied, "Shut up, nerdlinger."
The only real winner in a game of Monopoly is the person who knows better than to play that shit in the first place. In fact, if you ever have a group of people over and one of them spots a Monopoly game and suggests a quick match (which, as stated earlier, is not possible), it can mean only one thing. The boredom at your gathering has reached such a critical mass that people would rather play a game that perfectly captures the feeling of being screwed over by a landlord than sit and listen to your boring ass talk about anything for the next four to six hours. Clearly, it's time to take inventory of your social skills and see what's lacking.
But the popularity of Monopoly raises a pretty obvious question: Who in the hell is still buying this game? It's not like Monopoly is just barely clinging to its last vestiges of relevance. No, it's thriving. Just about every franchise or famous brand eventually gets its own Monopoly game. The Simpsons have a Monopoly game. The Beatles have a Monopoly game. Everyone has a Monopoly game made in their honor. So, surely, this is a game that has its fair share of fans. And that's fine, but I just want to know one thing. Fucking why?
So you're a huge late night TV fan and you're planning a trip to New York or Los Angeles. The natural inclination would be to catch a live taping of your favorite show while you're there. It will be just like watching at home, except instead of watching it in bed you'll be watching it in person. How great is that? It's like you're in their living room!
Yep, you are in their living room, and that's what makes attending a live television taping so awful. Think about what kind of condition you have to be in before you willingly sit through an hour of Jimmy Kimmel Live. Half asleep, no makeup on (ladies), the day's now dirty thong strung across the back of the chair you sit on to tie your shoes in the morning (ladies and fellas), wearing "sleep clothes" that would make for a million-dollar paparazzi photo if you were famous (and walking with a kid you adopted from a Third World nation). You wouldn't get past the ticket window in that state. But it's being in that almost-asleep-not-a-care-in-the-world state that makes watching late night television fun in the first place.
Even Jay Leno is tolerable if you're asleep.
Watching late night TV is something you do during those "me" moments when the world works on your terms, when you can curl up in bed with a bowl of cereal (or weed) and fade off to sleep. All of that comfort and convenience flies out the window when you show up to watch television in person.
For one thing, there are no lines when you're watching television at home. Live TV tapings depend on audience enthusiasm to make them go well. What that means for you is that you'll spend a solid hour (at least) standing in line while a bunch of college interns command you to "MAKE SOME NOISE!" so you can prove you're worthy of even being in the same building as your favorite television stars.
If you're lucky, though, after waiting in line for an hour or so, you'll be whisked off to a bar where you wait for an intern type to escort you back to the theater. It makes sense. No crowd cheers like a crowd that's liquored up, and you really can't beat an $11 beer in [insert absurdly overpriced city name here]. But as nice as the bar layover may be, it presents another problem.
If there's one thing that lends itself as well to drinking as operating heavy machinery does, it's being able to comfortably hold it when you need to use the bathroom. After spending the past hour or so getting television audience level drunk (or just having one drink, prude), there's a fairly good chance you'll need to use the bathroom. Bad news -- unless you remembered back at the bar or any other point before you got in line, you're screwed. Getting out of your seat and locating a restroom while a live show is being taped is not something people look upon favorably.
"Yeah, I got a piss you can take right here. Back to your seat!"
That said, if you notify the proper authorities on your way in that you need to use the restroom, they will usher you up to a seat in the balcony with the rest of the colostomy bag wearers who can't hold their bladder long enough to watch David Letterman interview Jon Hamm. Up there, you can use the balcony restroom during commercial breaks. It's like the stoner bench in high school, but sitting there means people look down on you for possibly pissing your pants during the guest musical performance instead of for being a degenerate drug user.
Also, television shows don't just film themselves. There is a lot of equipment that goes into a production of that nature, and trust me, it's not discreetly hidden in the back where nobody can see it. Rather, it's placed directly between you and what you're trying to watch, effectively ensuring that you won't be able to see shit. That's cool, though, because they do put television monitors everywhere so you can see what's happening. You know, just like you have at home.