Cracked Columnists

5 Superheroes Who Should've Gotten Movies Before Ant-Man

#2. Black Widow

Marvel's strategy has always been stitching together as many titles as possible. In the '70s, you needed a degree in string theory just to follow all the interlinking issue numbers. They gambled on giving every Avenger a movie before the big ensemble, and it paid off with almost all the money there is, so now they're going back to cover the Avengers they missed.

And by "go back" they mean "Go back 50 years to when someone was stupid enough to think Ant-Man should be on the same team as Thor."

Marvel
"Let's see: immortal god, unbeatable monster, hyperintelligent weapon of mass destruction, really small people. Excelsior!"
(Note hyperintelligent Tony Stark giving himself a clause to get away from those assholes right at the start.)

Ant-Man! The worst Avenger ever, and that's a position with more serious sucking competition than the Best Oral Sex Scene award. And we're getting him before Black Widow, the elite Russian superspy who's already been in two major movies. The Avenger who killed more bad guys with a catsuit than Captain America did with a World War II superdrug from back when the regulations on human testing were "The Germans are going to kill him anyway." Hell, Marvel gave Hulk two tries at a movie before he had to team up with anyone else, and his entire character arc is "Bloo bloo I don't wanna hit people HITTING PEOPLE." If there was any justice, Black Widow would have stolen James Bond's franchise by now, never mind gotten her own.

Marvel
When someone lists the reasons they don't want a Black Widow movie, they're actually outputting a personality error report.

Black Widow could bring us the superespionage movie. A story of intelligence trumping extrahumanity, where all-powerful idiots are countered by cunning instead of by someone who's even better at being a hammer.

DC Bonus: DC could flesh out their new movie universe with all kinds of espionage ass-kicking by Amanda Waller, the kind of superspy who emerges from the shadows behind Batman to tell him when he's being a dick. (We've already covered her awesomeness here.)

DC
"Maybe if you gave the GCPD a Bat-computer you wouldn't have to personally solve every murder in the damn city!"

#1. Wonder Woman

The real lesson of superheroes is that anyone can rise above and become a hero. Just look at all those who've led single-superhero major motion pictures since Batman Begins revolutionized the field.

It seems superheroism is secreted by Caucasian testicles. Which is weird, because heroes aren't empowered by prostate control (although we're sure Batman has mastered that to prepare against possible conflict with Cold Fingered Doctor Man). We have more green heroes than black ones, and that's not a color human beings are.

Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman are DC's holy trinity of heroes, representing bright and shining justice, dark and brooding vengeance, and being a girl. And if you think that's a little unbalanced, check out how many cinematic releases they've had.


Right now you should be seeing red.

Bat-nipples have had more major motion pictures than Wonder Woman. Superman's stupid logo-throwing has more big-budget movie canon than Wonder Woman's entire existence.

DC
After watching it, most people do something similar with the DVD.

And now Ant-Man is getting his own movie. We're prepared to have the worst possible man before the most wonderful woman. We'd rather a hero famous for beating women than being one.

DC
And she's really not surprised, this being the exact kind of shit she came to our world to fight.

Sure, Gal Gadot has been cast as Wonder Woman in Batman vs. Superman. Now go back and look at that title. She's a supporting character in another character's second movie. That's the same billing as Harvey Dent and General Zod, characters who exist only to highlight parts of the real hero. And we should already be bracing for the inevitable superdick-waving "Who's she going to bang, OH SNAP she turns them both down, which is meant to make this empowering even though the woman's entire character interaction is still defined by whether she'll have sex with someone." A contract with a nebulous possibility of a solo movie after she's completed her chores in everyone else's films doesn't quite cut it.

Fans are so ready for a Wonder Woman movie that they're already making their own. They're not just offering their money, they're spending months making awesome videos about how much they want to hand it over.

There's a lot of rubbish spouted about why WW hasn't already been on the screen. They tell us there isn't a market for it, that it's not a good investment, and that's horseshit. Hollywood spent over $200 million on Waterworld. Waterworld. That's the quadruple-u movie we get. They'll take more financial risks on a man pissing on a raft than a Greek goddess of ass-kicking.

Nostalgia harvesting has gone so far that we've got a goddamn Battleship movie -- Battleship, the way 8-year-olds used to say "I'm really bored and we don't have a Nintendo" -- and we don't have Wonder Woman? Lynda Carter alone ensured that an entire generation would pay money the instant it came out in cinemas.

Hasbro, Warner Bros
Movies think that, after growing up, people now care more about the left than the right.

While Superman fights such incredible menaces as "a bald guy" and "his asshole buddies from back home," and Batman beats up the mentally handicapped, Wonder Woman's villains are the entire Greek pantheon of gods and monsters. That's spectacular cinema just waiting to happen.

And DC needs something spectacular to catch up with Marvel. They might as well try something crazy, like noticing more than half of the human race.


Luke examines an insane Joker-Batman hybrid, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.

For more superheroic insanity, you can see The Worst Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Ever and That Time Superman Machine-Gunned Hitler.

Behold the nerd rage in 6 Ways Iron Man Is Objectively Better Than Batman, or see some real superheroism in The 12 Best Moments from Mexico's Least Subtle Monster Movie.

Always on the go but can't get enough of Cracked? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.

Do you have a pop culture muse? Channel it in our T-shirt latest contest and you could win $500.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Luke McKinney

  • Rss

More by Luke McKinney:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

2,667 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!