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And you smell delicious.
Anyway, have you ever wondered what it is about your favorite movie (Mac and Me) that makes you like it? Or just your favorite genre? Or someone else's favorite genre that maybe you hate? There are reasons, my friend. It's not all just Bradley Cooper's beautiful face and the promise of titties that makes people like adult comedies. There are matters of psychology and shit at work. I read about it. Then I made it funny. Then I typed it one handed. You know what I'm saying. Faptastical!
5 Vampires = Sexy Sex
Every one of us has wondered why Twilight was popular, and before that why Anne Rice books seemed to fly off the shelves, and before that why Vampire in Brooklyn was clearly Eddie Murphy's greatest cinematic triumph. Why the shit do people love vampires so much, especially as they get lamer and lamer with the passage of time? Remember Nosferatu? That dude was gross nasty. Then we end up with Edward Cullen who threatened to step into the sunlight and explode into a bouquet of Faberge vaginas at any moment. What happened? Sex happened.
The psychology of vampires is very much centered in a female audience and very much focused entirely, in every possible way, around sexual fantasy. Now many of you ladies may be thinking, "I'd rather someone beat me to death with a leg of lamb than endure 10 minutes of Twilight," and I would say bless you.
For resisting those beautiful golden eyes, if nothing else.
But that just means you're "the fringe." No story will appeal to everyone, and the numbers behind Twilight's popularity don't lie. You can hate it because 10 other women apparently couldn't watch it without ruining their seat.
The vampire is the ultimate bad boy. He's not even human, but he is. And handsome. And his existence depends on blood. Your blood. Your vitality -- your essence -- is what he craves and needs. And maybe in old fiction, he'd savage you in an alley and murder you for it, but how does it work in these gushy vampire movies? He needs your permission to come in. He fuckin' courts you like an eyeliner-sporting Cyrano.
You give yourself to him, and of course he never takes you fully. He penetrates your neck and feeds from you. He needs you like no other man ever could. He would literally die without you. There's so much schmaltz here, it's piled up to your asshole. Your asshole that he'll tickle with his very posh pinky ring.
4 Slashers = the Ultimate Thrill
Serial killers are everyone's favorite kind of killer. That sounds terrible with no context, and even in context it's kind of creepy. But the proliferation of serial killer movies certainly demonstrates we enjoy watching large numbers of people being murdered sequentially. Despite a supernatural element, Jason, Mike Myers, and Freddy are all serial killers. Then you have Hannibal Lecter, Jigsaw, apparently everyone in Europe if Hostel is to be believed, Norman Bates, those Scream assholes, and on and on.
The reason you like some murder on screen -- all that blood, and guts, and terror, and things that literally make you jump -- is the same reason some people like to jump from planes, bungee jump, or sleep with strangers they met in dive bars: sensation-seeking. It's the thrill of something that is inexplicably terrifying yet life-affirming all at once. It makes you happy while it scares the shit out of you.
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This is every bit as exhilarating as a knife to the chest.
Not everyone has the sensation-seeking response in life, which is why some people try to avoid scary movies as much as they avoid a round of roshambo. But those people may be bad in the soul, science isn't sure. The rest of us just really get into the morbid thrill of it all, getting close, even emotionally, to the edge of human experience and also seeing that which shouldn't be seen! No, not Renee Zellweger's old face, just guts and whatnot. Because even if it's movie guts and not entirely anatomically correct, how often do you get to see intestines in your day-to-day life? Barring work in a hospital, butcher shop, or porn set, probably not often.