Cracked Columnists

5 Bizarre Real Life Gangs That Put The Warriors to Shame

In movies, comic books, video games and 80s videos, all street gangs are assembled around a loose theme--like rollerblading, ancient Vikings, or love of classic opera. And they're all either constantly brawling in the streets after kidnapping somebodys girlfriend, or else dancing in them to help save the neighborhood rec center from an evil real estate agent. Yes, in pop culture gangs are colorful, memorable, goofy and kind of awesome. But reality, as it is so often, is a buzzkill. Real gangs are not quirky or thematic at all; theyre usually just poverty stricken youths with access to guns and a poor concept of the importance of life. Notice I said "usually," and not "always." Some gangs saw shit like the Baseball Furies and the Mad Gear Gang and said: "Fuck it. We can top that."

#5. Sukeban: Japanese Schoolgirl Gangs

When you hear the words "schoolgirl gang," your mind likely reels off half-remembered scenes from the kind of Cinemax movies they can only show at two in the morning, but they are very real. In Japan theyre called Sukeban and theyre just like everything else in that country: adorable, confusing and potentially lethal. Sukeban gang "colors" were always some variation of the sailor-style school uniform--usually modified with patches, stencils and lengthened skirts--and they often sported cartoonishly bright dyed hair and colored socks. Doesn't sound like Anime yet? Many reports even state that their weapon of choice was... the Yo-Yo. They couldn't be more stereotypical Anime characters if one of them was a robot and the whole thing took place on a spaceship. But then, if the Sukeban were an Anime, there'd probably be thousands of them and the whole thing would be plagued with outlandish ultra-violence... which it totally was!

"So long as basic logic works in this country, this is a non-threatening sight."- Last Words of Unfortunate Tourist

As for the ultra-violence: Minor slights against your Sukeban were punished with cigarette burns and beatings, while major trespasses were dealt with by lynching. Lynching. The Klan phased that shit out for being too hardcore, and even their slap on the wrist was a cigarette to the face. And as for numbers: The largest Sukeban was the Kanto Women Delinquent Alliance; they were 20,000 members strong. That's not even remotely believable; a mid-sized city comprised of nothing but vicious Asian schoolgirls and their deadly toys. It sounds like something a pervert would make up in a bizarre fetish forum. But it was, and is, a reality.

Pictured: F... facts?

So basically, all those Anime shows you turn off because theyre too much fantastical nonsense? Pretty much documentaries. Japan wasn't being weird; they were just trying to warn us this whole time, and all we did was chuckle and dismiss them: Japan: Yo-yo girl army kill all! World: Oh, Japan, you so crazy. Japan: No, please! So many! Sailor uniform lynching! World: Ha! Im putting that shit on a T-shiIIIT NOW EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE!

#4. Poisonous Thai Transvestite Gang

If Japan is where reason and logic go to die, Thailand is where moral decency and restraint go to get raped. Its like somebody built a whole country based on the Mos Eisley Cantina: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. It's indecent, perverse, dangerous, diseased, and generally just so, so awesome. For the white people, anyway. Not so much for the locals. When the only "nine to five" job available to you is sixty-nining five fat Accounts Managers there for the weekend on a Frequent Flier Group Discount, one can be forgiven for turning to a life of crime.

Gaze upon the face of crime, and despair. Or put your feet on it. Whatever. It's your 20 bucks.

It should come as no surprise to anybody that Bangkok is home to occasionally criminal trannies. According to this fictional census I just made up, roughly half the population of the entire country is made up of unruly transvestites--the other half being chicks who can shoot ping pong balls out of their nether regions and imported sex donkeys. But what's most surprising is how these gangs take down their victims: no spiked heels, extreme tea-bagging or dominatrix whips for them. No, they bring down their prey by drugging their own bodies. In 2005, a gang of transvestites were arrested for slipping sedative pills under their tongues and Frenching their victims into unconsciousness. Not once or twice either; it got so bad that the Bangkok police amended their warning pamphlets from dont accept food or drink from strangers to dont rush to kiss a stranger on the mouth or you will end up in a deep sleep.

"We know it's tempting, but try not to molest that on the street."

It wasn't just the one gang, either. Years earlier in the tourist city of Pattaya, another group of she-hes were arrested for a similar crime. The only difference being that they didnt tongue their sedatives; they applied it to their nipples. At which point the Pattaya police probably sighed, rolled their eyes, applied some white out to the third bullet point on their tourist warning and quietly grumbled at the fact that they had to actually write down Please dont immediately suck the nipples of the local gender-benders; they are often poisonous.

It should be self-evident: Just like in nature, they try to warn you with their garish displays.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Robert Brockway

  • Rss

More by Robert Brockway:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

396 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!