5 Steps to Writing Successful Suspense (With Glenn Beck!)
As some of you know, I've been running a growing book-publishing company out of my neighbor's shed for the best four years. So far, we've only focused on novels catered to one specific audience, but I'm pleased to announce that we will be expanding. From here on out, I will serve as the Chief Editor in Chief of O'Brien and "Sons" Erotic Fiction and Suspense Novel Publishing House. I couldn't be happier that we're breaking into the world of suspense novels. For as long as I've been a reader, I've always been very interested in how there's a shitload of money in suspense.
In case you're wondering, yes, I am accepting submissions and you can email me your proposals right here, but before that, you might want to check out the following five steps for writing successful suspense novels. In designing these steps, I looked to a modern, bestselling thriller, because it is important to tap into the zeitgeist and learn how to write the kind of books people crave. So, I looked no further than heart-pounding, successful, number-one-spot-on-the-New-York-Times-list-earning The Overton Window, a thriller.
By Glenn Beck.
The Mystery:
Every good suspense novel is loaded with mystery. Mystery is what keeps the reader turning pages, and that is what matters to you. (I don't actually know anything about books. Are book pages like Web pages, where traffic is the only important thing? You want eyes on the page, right, to rack up hits? Am I remembering that right?)
The Overton WindowThe Overton Window follows Noah Gardner as he tries to get to the root of a deadly government conspiracy. In this book (and in Beck's imagination), Life, a PR company dedicated to handling the image of the United States of America as it is presented to the public, has been quietly and efficiently co-running America with the U.S. Government for the last 200 years. Arthur, the head of the firm and Noah's father, has accomplished quite a lot of completely unrelated things: he created the pet rock fad, he's behind all of those Che Guevara T-shirts, and decided the outcome of multiple presidencies. He's decided to take a break from his previous career in the field of Retard Hobbying/Hipster Fashion/Nation-Running to focus on his new goal: seizing power of America, removing all civil liberties and throwing innocent Americans into concentration camps.
The Lesson:
Make Your Mystery Difficult to Follow
Your reader is not stupid, so a simple mystery, or a traditional mystery, or even a mystery that makes sense on a basic level of human comprehension is just too easy. The trick is to craft a shadowy organization whose methods are so bizarre, it's never clear what exactly they stand for. And make sure their master plan is as convoluted and impossible-to-implement as imaginable (taking over America based solely on the success of your admittedly impressive pet rock sales). If your reader believes your mystery, it means it was too predictable.
Plot Ideas:
-A top secret organization (formerly Mattel), wants to replace all American soldiers with robots whose only setting is GAY-SEX MARRIAGE.
-The creative force behind of Pokemon eats the current president to gain his powers and assumes that this makes him the new president, based on a very shaky understanding of the American political system. And the twist: It was you! (Either the Pokemon guy or the president. It doesn't even matter!)
-The inventor of those novelty bow ties that spin when you squeeze a button infiltrates the Vatican to pose as the Pope. He serves in an advisory capacity for the president for several years until something something something concentration camps.
-The creator of Beanie Babies fucks a capuchin monkey live on stage. America crumbles.Protagonist
Your protagonist is going to be the centerpiece of your novel. He or she needs to be likable and relatable, someone your reader is going to want to root for (so, "he").
The Overton Window:
Your protagonist is Noah Gardner, a fit, witty, charming intellectual with an eye for political conspiracies. He is, essentially, an idealized version of the book's author, Glenn Beck, himself a pudgy, witty intellectual with an eye for political conspiracies.
The Lesson: Your Protagonist Must Be A Better Version of You
Glenn Beck isn't an interesting enough person to serve as protagonist, so he took all of his best qualities (being good at talking), gave them to Noah Gardner and removed the worst things about his personality (everything else). The formula for your protagonist, then, is You - Shit + Good Things You Wish You Were. If you're pretty happy with the way you turned out (like I am), then your protagonist can just be mostly you with a few minor tweaks.
See how easy that was? I took my worst qualities (being of cripplingly average height, not having access to many guns), and flipped them to make the perfect protagonist.
Oh, Bonus Lesson: Your Protagonist Must Be Swedish
You know those Girl With the Dragon Tattoo books? They're about as huge as Beck's book and only half as infuriating, so it couldn't hurt to learn a lesson or two from them. Now, I refuse to read them so I'm not entirely sure if they're suspenseful or even technically thrillers. I just know that they're selling like crazy, like Swedish Crime Novel might be its own literary genre, now. Just take your tough, witty, idealized version of you and make him aggressively Swedish.
Pacing
Suspense is all about timing. (Also, lightning.) The pacing of a thriller is the speed at which you present it to your reader. This is accomplished by sentence structure, tension, chapter length, whether or not your literary flow is conducive to pee breaks.
The Overton Window:
The chapters are short (like, Goosebumps short), generally contain an uncomfortable amount of extremist political rhetoric disguised as dialogue and always end with a bang. And often times I mean that literally, a chapter will end with a bang, an explosion of some kind. You'll have a chapter that's 9,000 words of straight "The government used to be one way but now it's this other way" bullshit nonsense and then the last sentence in the chapter will be "And then Noah Gardner's car CRASHED INTO TEDDY ROOSEVELT."
The Lesson: The Lesson is HOLY SHIT THE LESSON JUST EXPLODED!
Here's what you must never forget: Your readers are very stupid, or else they wouldn't be reading your book. Cap off every chapter with something intense, dramatic and desperately game-changing. Something that will make your readers say, "Good gasp, how will my hero ever get out of this situation?!" The great thing about this kind of suspense-writing is that it doesn't have to go anywhere. You have no obligation to follow through on your suspense, so don't be afraid to murder your protagonist at the end of one, several or every chapter. It's a quick fix to start the next chapter off with "False alarm," or "Then his sexy assistant gave him CPR and he was suddenly alive again," or "No, he didn't die, you read that wrong." The reader may feel mislead, but hey, they turned the page. Here's the thing about your reader: As every chapter nears its end, they'll say "OK, this is my last chapter for now." Then you end it with a bang so they have to turn the page, which is when, of course, they'll see how short your next chapter is and decide "OK, I can read one more. Repeat this throughout your entire book.
Big Reveals:
A trademark of every thriller is the big reveal, wherein the protagonist finally discovers the antagonist's Master Plan. It's usually done in some complex, incredibly clever manner that shows off how brilliant your protagonist (and by extension, you as an author) can be. It's the moment in a novel where all of the mysteries come together and all of the loose ends over which you've been agonizing get tidily tied up. If a big reveal isn't earned, or if it comes too soon or if it isn't all that shocking, your reader will turn on you.
The Overton Window
Noah stumbles into a room that holds his father's computer and finds an evil master plan in a PowerPoint Presentation that was left open. Seriously.
The Lesson: Ignore All That Stuff I Said
The stuff about how reveals need to be clever, earned or in any way meaningful. Overton sold like a billion copies so apparently you can do freaking whatever you want.
Big Reveal Ideas:
-Your protagonist breaks into a vault only to find out that the antagonist called the protagonist and left his master plan as a detailed message on his answering machine.
-Your protagonist wakes up one morning and finds the antagonist's master plan written in sharpie on his forehead.
-There's no reveal because, fuck it, there just never was one, at all, and this isn't even a thriller, but you put "Glenn Beck" on the cover and then lots of idiots bought it.Words:
Words are what go into books. Don't worry if this is the first time you've learned this, you're still qualified to write a thriller that's just a good as The Overton Window. The words that appear are under your control, and they help establish your voice, your unique attack on the English language.
The Overton Window:
Let's look at a few samples from the novel, all centered around Noah and his love interest, Molly.
When some stray hairs fall across Molly's face...
These liberated chestnut curls framed a handsome face made twice as radiant by the mysteries surely waiting just behind those light green eyes.
--
When Noah first flirts with Molly...
"So Noah [from the Bible] comes home after he finally got all the animals into the ark, and his wife asks him what he's been doing all week. Do you know what he said to her?" Molly asked.
"No, tell me."
"Molly patted him on the cheek, pulled his face a little closer.
"He said, 'Honey, now I herd everything.'"
--
When Noah wants to warn Molly not to excite his genitals
"You don't tease the panther."
--
The Lesson: Your Readers Crave Shitty Dialogue
It's no secret: The secret to great writing is terrible writing. Your readers have a pathological desire to punish themselves, and it's your job to help them out. And for this, there is honestly no better guide than The Overton Window.
Well there's no physical evidence that Obama isn't a space alien that came to earth and invented rape 300 years ago, so obviously it's true.
Reply"The creator of Beanie Babies fucks a capuchin monkey live on stage. America crumbles"
ReplyThe best thing i have ever read ever.
This f**king awful thing is gonna happen! It's gonna definetely happen because [string-of-consciousness rant only partially connected to reality at best] and it's gonna f**k UP your [babies/children/elderly parents] because of [liberals, vampires, reptilians or something]. Now, I don't know if this is gonna happen or if what I said is true, it might all be bulls**t, but FUUUUUUUUUUCK RUNRUNRUN ITS COMING AAAAAAAAAA GET OFFFF MY PHHHHHOOOOOOOOOONE YOU LITTLE PINHEAD
ReplyYou forgot Nazis.
I imagined Glenn Beck saying the sample dialogue. I feel violated now.
ReplyReally? REALLY? Are all of you HONESTLY this STUPID?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesFirst of all, did the line "America's Only Humor and Video Sight, since 1958" fail to connect with that mushy pile of Jell-o you call a brain? Don't answer that. The answer is obviously yes.
Secondly, @cfc, whoever you are, Cracked is not going to /seriously/ review a book. That's like asking DOB not to obtain copious amounts of sex, or Chris Bucholz to sleep somewhere that's not under a desk. It simply isn't done. It is a humor website, and if you don't like humor, which you obviously don't, then go drown in a bucket so us who do can laugh at the enormous amount of stupidity you possess.
Oh, and DOB? Fantastic job. Simply fantastic. I love you.
I think Bucholz would be happier if he had a bed :( I bet if he had a maid who changed the sheets every day in return for sexual favours then he would use it every night so it's not the same thing AT ALL
To be fair, cfc was being sarcastic...
'America's Only Humor
and Video Sight, since 1958'
Funny, I thought I was on a web SITE, but I maybe wrong.
The magazine was founded in 1958. The cracked name has been around since then, the magazine failed and the site is better than it ever was in print.
Amazing.. that is all I can say.. Amazing... glenn beck should read it and laugh as I laughed during my biology class...
ReplyThere are some really f**ked up comments in this one...ah comment sections, the home of people who havent learnt that no1 really gives a f**k what you think. Yet if somebody insults something you like, SHOW THEM RAAAAAAAAGE! It's a comedy site, read the articles, move on....don't pop a rage boner cos nobody cares
ReplyYay, No. 1 gives a f**k what I think! And influence doesn't reach any higher than No.1!
Can I get one of them big foamy fingers now?
Apartheid !
ReplyAh, Maniel Do'Brien, you never cease to (amuse us, or) offend those who are tragically butthurt. Brilliant.
I admit, as a test I cracked open a copy of Overton Window at my local Borders to see just how crappy it was. In two pages, I saw more cliches than I would see in an entire Michael Bay movie. I hate it when celebrities try to leverage their fame to get into artistic fields they don't belong in. I'll say it now, and for the record: The Overton Window is to literature what Shaq's rapping career was to music.
ReplyBTW, I'm always surprised by how many Beckites apparently frequent the site. I was under the impression that extreme paranoid conservatives don't have a sense of humor. Did you guys stumble on this site by accident, or do you just check Digg for any mention of Glenn Beck and go flame anyone who disagrees with you?
I approve of this comment.
As do I.
How about this for suspense. It's a lot like Shamalan's new movie about the devil being in an elevator or whatever, but it is in no way like that. You are stuck in an elevator with 5 beautiful women. You need to give the business to one of them, but you know that one of them has a penis. There is a twist though (they all have dicks, and one of them is the devil).
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesi never saw that coming
I'd watch it.
Late Reply: "I never saw that coming" could be the title of the book.
Your jealousy is unbecoming of you O'Brien, maybe someday when your all grow'd up you can be a writer too!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesBeck's army of screaming blubbering pansies are always ready to carry on for months at a time at the mere mention of their glorious golden sun god's name.
Pffffffft HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*flicks little tear off cheek whilst chuckling hardily*
You sir, have made my morning. Jealousy. That's cute.
mrrubino you win at the internet this hour.
There is a surprising lack of chalkboard flow charts in both the novel and this article for it to be related to Beck.
ReplyJust the right amount of "Wait. What?" moments though.
How To Tell If A Columnist Just Doesn't Like Glenn Beck:
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesStep One: Determine if his column is, generally speaking, either liberal, sarcastic, or humor-oriented.
Step Two: Determine if he uses the words "Glenn Beck" in the title followed immediately by an exclamation point.
If you have found both to be the case, then the columnist hates Glenn Beck. Reading the column in question is optional, but 9 out of 10 regular readers will be able to spot a flame piece just by reading the tiny bit of info available on a Facebook link. Plus, who remembers the last time a book was ever actually reviewed on Cracked?
Your powers of observation are immense. You must have a lot of mysteries hidden behind your perceptive, green eyes.
Good point Papermage! I would like Cracked to start seriously reviewing books intead of writing humorous articles. And did you even read the whole thing or just read the "tiny bit of info" off your crappy Facebook page that nobody cares about?
-Hit control F and search for the words "aint", "pie", "hole", "shove", "throat" or "GOD". If you find any, he (or she!?) does not hate glenn beck.
-Search for gramatic errors. These can be used to differentiate one's words from those of a pretentious liberal, such as "more stupider" and "don't got no". If you hit any, the writer does not hate glenn beck.
-Determine if what you are reading is actually a published column or a comment. If the former is true, the writer hates glenn beck..
Well look at you, all smart. I got one:
Step Three: GTFO.
Oh orpheus, you are my new favourite person with that reply.
Step Four: ???
Step 5: Compare to Nazis.
Step 6: Cry.
Step 7: Collect paycheck.
Step One: Well, he's humor-oriented...that's a check.
Step Two: I'm starting to think that this doesn't apply to that many columnists...
In any case, the article doesn't really trash Glenn Beck much (other than saying he's pudgy, but that's a duh), but just his clearly s**tty book.
Step 5: Become fat.
ReplyStep 4: Think Powerpoint technology is diabolical.
Step 3: Believe America is above criticism.
Step 2: Think that every situation that is personally
inconvenient should be considered by everyone
else (i.e. the American public) as intolerable
and/or 'suspenseful'.
Step 1. Learn how to suck your own penis.
Thanks, Glenn.
To readers: switch 'penis' in Step 1 for the word 'panther'.
“You don’t tease the panther.” BEST. LINE. EVER. every book should contain those words in that order. eg. 'And then Harry Potter pointed his want at Voldemort and said, “You don’t tease the panther” and the villain exploded into a million tiny pieces, which HPdiddy proceeded to fry up and eat for lunch.'
ReplyA horrible book but a great article!
ReplyDont tease the panther is going to be my new catchphrase.
ReplyNow i've HERD everything
Dam you lefties! Writing with your left arm and all those left things that you commie bastards do! Glen Beck is the only true rightie comedian in the last century! I can bet your a** that he never touched the paper with his left arm! I would say "computer keyboard" but I think that he doesn't need that hell device from hell that is a Commie hell from hell! He could use it if he wanted to but he wont! If you haven't seen the brilliance of this man you surely haven't lived yet! But be warned: you can't unsee those things once you've seen them!
Reply Hide All See All 5 Replieslol
EPIC! :)
Looks like the consequences will never be the same here, folks.
If you want a true "rightie comedian", check out Greg Gutfeld. He's like a conservative version of Jon Stewart, without the gay beard.
The beard is not gay, it is the source of his power.
That "Noah/herd" line made me want to smash my face on my desk.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesagreed.
You hipsters, I am going to tell that joke all damn day and I will laugh every single time. That s**t's hilarious. (But I'm not going to tell anyone I got it from Glenn Beck.)
I actually did do that when I read the line. Seriously.
Glenn Beck is a brilliant man despite what all you ignorant liberals say. I'd take Beck for president any day over Barack Obama. Admittedly, being blunt and honest in the leftist media now-a-days is essentially suicide, but Glenn does it anyway, and he gets hammered by hipsters on comedy websites for it. Oh well, he's still more successful than anyone in this thread could ever dream of so I doubt he gives a lalalala less.
Reply Hide All See All 36 Replies"Leftist Media"? What the f**k news are you watching?
total_cactus = Glenn Beck?
The scary part is that Beck's fans, at least the ones I've met, are as brainwashed as this guy.
Brilliant? Honest? Are we talking about the same Glenn Beck? This article's about the pudgy Chicken Little on Fox News who thinks everyone and their mom is a Communist.
"The scary part is that Beck's fans, at least the ones I've met, are as brainwashed as this guy."
That's what happens when you get literally ALL your information about the world from Fox News. They live in a bubble.
Haha "'Leftist Media'? What the f**k news are you watching?" That would be CNN, NBC, MSNBC, ABC, or really any station that features news. And I'm hardly brainwashed. In fact I don't even watch Beck's program regularly. I have read his book though and his points and ideas are quite well thought out. Just because he doesn't like Obama's socialist reforms doesn't make him crazy, it makes him right.
Oh come on you guys. Glenn Beck is as polarizing a subject can possibly be. Whether or not you're feeding a troll, you're wasting energy replying to total_cactus either way. We all know Lou Dobbs was the only one who really knew what was going on anyway
more successful than anyone could dream of? I don't know much about glenn, nor do I care to, but as far as I know, he isn't a professional actor/sports player/millionaire/ruler of the world. My imagination can set the bar a little higher than beck
Actually, between book sales,his radio program, and his tv show previously on CNN and now on Fox, I'm fairly positive he is a millionaire lol. What I'm basically saying is h-bomb gtfo
Polarizing indeed. STFU about how awesome/ evil Beck is already. Agree to f**king disagree, people.
"That would be CNN, NBC, MSNBC, ABC, or really any station that features news."
Basically any media outlet that isn't Fox News, isn't trustworthy to you. See what I mean about the bubble.
"I have read his book though and his points and ideas are quite well thought out."
If you think anything Beck spouts is "well though out" I'd advise you to read higher caliber books and get a better sense of what the term means. Because Beck's an idiot. He's just very good at talking.
Don't talk to me about my reading selection or comprehension when you clearly didn't understand my post, Jonas Brudders (lolzwut??). I didn't say those stations weren't trustworthy, rather that they dictate stories from a liberal perspective. Nor did I say Fox news was always trustworthy because it isn't. Nice try. Come back when you have some valid points and/or have actually read the books you're pretending to know so much about.
lol @ how you're trying to preach to a community that very obviously does not care for Glenn Beck. Nobody is going to take you seriously and will laugh at you instead. Go waste your time in a place where your misinformed ramblings will actually be heard.
I enjoy words...sometimes.
"Jonas Brudders (lolzwut??"
What, teabaggers ain't down with the JoBros?
"I didn't say those stations weren't trustworthy"
You said "being blunt and honest in the leftist media now-a-days is essentially suicide." Implying they are dishonest. You also stated they are "leftist," which hints at a political ideology a bit more than "liberal," although that's not a distinction I'd expect a Glenn Beck fan to be able to make. And with the exception of MSNBC's primetime line-up, even claiming the networks are especially liberal is dubious.
"and/or have actually read the books you're pretending to know so much about. "
Like the Overton Window? Lol. No. DOB's summary is more than enough for me, thanks.
Wait a minute, total_cactus...
"hipsters on comedy websites"
I hope you weren't referring to Daniel. DOB is no hipster.
I said leftist because I thought it would be more descriptive than liberal since that word has many definitions. Also, it's suicide because should Glenn Beck slip up or misspeak in some manner, you know such stations will be sure to broadcast it relentlessly. To be honest, all news outlets (Fox not being an exception) are dishonest to some degree. So stop putting words in my mouth. Also the Beck book I'm referring to is his non-fiction writing, "An Inconvenient Book", not his fiction writing, which I have never read.
Drawing out the natural implications of what you say is not "putting words in your mouth." Choose them more carefully if you're worried about being misunderstood.
seriously.. what do you think a journalist does? do you think the person telling you the days news is anything more than a model? an actor? they read the lines written by other people, who in turn got the materials from others who may or may not have first hand obtained the information...
maybe you should try to focus on information which comes from actual sources instead of lunatics and talking heads.. beck has his deal, its the thing he does, he is not a journalist, he is an entertainer, the fact that you think that he is a news source shows just how out of touch with reality you are.
there are plenty of people "disagreeing with obamas' socialist reforms", beck is not one of them, he is just making money off of idiots that dont know how to find relevant information themselves, or who find the real s**t too boring and wordful.
Right, it's my fault you cannot understand the annotated meaning of my words.You are making assumptions and implications that aren't there, and there is nothing I can do about that. Also,what you're saying knowless is true but it is impossible to say that Beck doesn't have beliefs. I'm sure at least some of what he says on his show comes from within himself.
Holy s**t! 20 replies? I left Cracked in February, came back in June, and I noticed that there was a quite bit more traffic; but, holy s**t, I've never seen more then 3 replies to a comments. Must be a good sign for traffic.
"The scary part is that Beck's fans, at least the ones I've met, are as brainwashed as this guy."
Please, that's not what brainwashed means.
"I didn't say those stations weren't trustworthy, rather that they dictate stories from a liberal perspective."
If it's biased, then it's untrustworthy. Let's say CNN is a liberal outlet (it's not, by the way), I wouldn't want to get my news from them, because they would have filtered out the news that portrays conservatives in a positive light, thus lieing straight to my face (i.e., propaganda). The same rule applies to FOX news.
"You are making assumptions and implications that aren't there"
I defy you to find one thing I've said that isn't already immediately apparent to anyone with two brain cells to rub together, Beck boy.
You're the one hedging your words. "No no, when I said being blunt and honest, I meant if he slipped up or misspoke, that's all..."
"If it's biased, then it's untrustworthy."
Yep. Only Fox goes beyond the unavoidable instances of bias you'd find in any media outlet. They have an actual agenda.
total_cactus v. trolls = TOTAL CACTUS FTW!! hahaha. eat that libbie f**kin retards.
All I hear is back and forth "you're stupid" and "no, you're stupid." Mainstream media is just as likely as Beck to over-sensationalize a topic. For example, when everybody started b***hing about the new arizona immigration bill, which simply makes already legal actions manditory. But both Beck and your average nightly news broadcast will babble on and on with these hot button issues so that you don't notice when Obama appoints his college buddies to run the government with him, and does so specifically when congress is in recess and calls it an "emergency appointment."
Recess appointments are nothing new. Every president makes them. Bush made 171. Clinton made 139. Although I think they're especially called for in Obama's case, as Republicans in Congress have been holding up perfectly qualified nominees for absolutely no reason, and those are federal jobs going unfulfilled.
Hipsters? AHAHAHA. Are you 74?
hate to ruin the fun, but am i the only person that noticed he hyphenated "nowadays"? that really bothers me for some reason.
Ahem, SuccesfuI troII is successfuI
Agreed cactus but there is no sense trying to explain things of this nature to hostages of emotion and naivity
After reading all these comments, I can say with all certainty that I agree fully with notacrime
Dear God in Heaven....why the hell is anyone getting this worked up over a friggin' comedy article? Are you all chronically stupid? Baked? What the hell?
When people go too far left or right, they seem to gain this sense of entitlement... Almost as though they are far more enlightened, and their teachings seem to be waaay over your heads. Elitism happens on both ends of the spectrum. Who starts out a comment attacking everyone (and assuming everyone here is far-left) by calling them "ignorant liberals?" as fun as it is to rally behind someone who has similar beliefs, do you seriously want an entertainer or Op-ed writer in an elected office? I don't want Beck, O'Reilly, Stewart, or Colbert in office, as intriguing or entertaining they can be. By the way, I think I'd say Stewart is just as blunt about his ideals as Beck is. I see him negatively talked about on Fox News as much as I see Beck negatively talked about anywhere else. (If you are a troll just talking to stir people up, you got me good :P)
33 comments? yah fookin troll magnets
Holy s**t!
Axl Rose commented on this post!
Now I've herd everything!
Because brilliant men like Beck say things such as "our President has a deep seated hatred for white people & white culture", and of course they must have supreme empirical basis for such statements. Riiiiiiight.