5 Sleazy Strategies for Turning Any Movie Date Into Sex

Finding Nemo

Marlin, an overprotective father fish, loses his boy Nemo and learns an important lesson about letting go with the help of a brain-damaged blue fish named Dory.

Level of Difficulty: 7

Nothing about this movie is putting your date off sex, but nothing about it is getting her hot either. How do you play it?

The Wrong Approach:

"Hey, let's say we turn out the lights and you can find Nemo?"

Cute, but no. Unless your date is the granddaughter of Henny Youngman, lines like this will not get you laid.

The Right Approach:

There are no magic words that will transform this Pixar experience into sex. Could be worse. Could have been Cars, in which case your only sexual option would have been procreating with your date's ocular cavity after she stabbed out her eyes. But still, this is no small task. Your only hope is that your date has Daddy issues. Fortunately for you, as a wise man once said: "Women either have Daddy issues or a cock." So unless you met your date on craigslist, the odds are in your favor! Let the credits roll, then say something like, "Man, it would be great to have a Dad like that." Then ... actually, that should probably be enough.

Human Centipede

A mad German physician stitches three people together mouth to anus while Satan waits in hell for the even more perverse torture awaiting writer/director Tom Six.

Level of Difficulty: 9

Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. This is a hard sell. Unless your date has a scatological fetish, its gonna be hard to turn her thoughts to sex.

The Wrong Approach:

"Hey, that movie just gave me a great idea. 69!"

Seriously? What is wrong with you? Why would you say that? Are you trying to make sure your date is thinking about feces-based surgical torture during sex?

The Right Approach:

See, what you need here is a full palate cleanser. Turn on all the lights. Lock all the doors. Put on some John Mayer music and spend the next hour looking at pictures of puppies and rainbows. Yes, this is a lot of work, but you're the jackass trying to get laid after watching Human Centipede. When your date finally stops crying and shaking, gently hold her hand and say something like, "Shhh, baby doll. Don't worry. God as my witness, I will never let you see another Tom Six movie again." She'll be so grateful, sex will be a given.

Note: This approach will not work if you're Tom Six. Not just because you're Tom Six. But mostly because post-movie sex will be impossible for you as you've no doubt already blown your load masturbating to your own work for the preceding two hours.

Gladstone is Cracked.com's Senior Resident Warlock. Follow him on Twitter. And then there's this. He has a website too.

For more awful tips, check out The 5 Worst Sources of Advice on Television and The 24,504 Worst Pieces of Advice Ever Published.

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