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5 Signs the New 'RoboCop' Movie Might Be Terrible

#2. Loss of Subtlety

You don't expect much subtlety from a man made of titanium-layered Kevlar and infinite ammunition, but RoboCop was a surprisingly smart movie. As explained above, it had to be: the anti-capitalist satire, the contrast in fascist styling of liberal messages, all the things that slipped under the radar to create interest in the most one-sided shooting gallery in movie history. RoboCop's single extended gunfight was the most gloriously over the top in history: a bulletproof good guy strolling through an actual Evil Drug Factory, taking trick shots like he was in a target gallery. And they only did it once, because it would be boring if they did it again.

Orion Pictures
There are archery ranges less one-sided than this.

Most shoot-em-ups don't have a messiah figure, a hero who died and came back, and just in case people missed it, manages to walk on water despite weighing a far fraction of a ton.

Orion Pictures
If Jesus had looked like this, the Romans would have surrendered.

The new movie also has a message, and that message is delivered with all the subtlety of elephant foreplay. Alex Murphy was killed by a car bomb and is being rebuilt as an armed drone who must take vengeance by killing carefully selected targets among a civilian population. RoBro is also angling for a man-vs.-machine message. You can tell because the trailer spells it out one word at a time. That's not layered under the action, or in satirical interstitials; that's a message shoveled on by writers who think it's impossible to care about someone unless his wife is actively crying at you.

Speaking of which ...

#1. Officer Anne Lewis

Officer Anne Lewis' first action in the original was kicking criminal ass, and her last was responding to multiple gunshot wounds with high-explosive armor-piercing assault cannon fire.

Orion Pictures
Lean into this, asshole!

She was so tough, she endured all three RoboCops. Even the original RoboCop wasn't tough enough to take that, and he had armor to hide his face and shame. But the new movie hated the idea of a tough woman so much that they turned her into a man and then shot her anyway, all before RoboCop even turns up. That "officer down" at the start of the trailer? Officer Jack Lewis, whose carcass functions only to tell everyone that there would be no non-crying women in this movie.

Strike Entertainment
"At no point will I use a Cobra Assault Cannon."

Clara Murphy comes pre-damseled: Her husband is killed at the start of the movie, but she still gets to cry about it for the rest, and she'll totally need defending. This movie replaces a toughened police officer with a weeping wife, because even when the hero has a non-stick wipe-clean surface instead of genitals, the leading lady needs to have slept with him. After all, a character can't be a woman unless she is specifically pleasing the man. They wanted to bring in Murphy's wife, and they can't have two women in the movie. What is this, lesbian porn?

Clara Murphy looks like the most terrible female stereotype in movies, an estrogen-soaked wet blanket. There is not one scene in that trailer where she's not cooking or crying. She literally runs into the middle of the road just to stop RoBroCop from being rad on his motorbike: "You listen here, Mr. Robo, you stop being cool and go in and have a glacial, emotional scene with your son! I don't care how many cops die fighting armed felons that your indestructible ass could collar in an instant, we're stopping this action right here and won't move another inch until there are emotions!" Any other boy in the world would high-five his dad for becoming the coolest father of all time, and they even left him a stupid fleshy hand so that he could do that.

Strike Entertainment
"Son, I'm really worried about you. A normal kid would think this was awesome."

It's hard for RoBro to suffer the loss of his family when they're still there.

I really want the movie to be awesome, but it feels like an already retro franchise is actively moving back in time. His point of view has been reduced to T-800 redmurder vision instead of the original's full color, there are no female heroes, and they think we can't be intimidated by someone with a gun unless he's black.


Luke also creates An Infinity of Alternate Bat-Men, Tumbles, and replies to every single tweet.


RoboCop isn't the only hero who's gone wrong. There are the 5 Most Unwanted Video Game Sequels of All Time, the 8 Shittiest Transformer Disguises, the 8 Worst X-Men Ever, and Iron Man's 6 Dumbest Moments.

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