#2. A Song of Lust and Desire
One of the best things about being part of the book-reading master race is that you know all sorts of spoilers and theories that TV viewers aren't familiar with, like R+L=J and the big twist where Ser Pounce kills one of the dragons. But even us literati were taken aback when we learned that the White Walkers reproduce by taking human babies and turning them into their own kind by exposing them to camera angles from Breaking Bad. With that in mind, A Song of Lust and Desire is equal parts prophetic and pathetic.
The story's an alternate take on the franchise's opening scene. In George R.R. Martin's version, three men of the Night's Watch come across otherworldly monsters who kill two of them and drive the third one insane. In this fanfic, we see subtle but distinct differences. Can you spot them?
A dozen pale-skinned and boney creatures watched on with ... what Will swore was lust in their icy blue eyes. With horror, Will noticed that some of them had loosened their armors and were caressing breasts the size of small melons, or had their hand between their legs.
"Whoo! Make out!"
That's right, baby -- these White Walkers may be ice cold, but they're still hot! One challenges a soldier to a duel that inexplicably gives him an erection, which the rest observe with great ... enthusiasm. The walker disarms her opponent, who she immediately pins down and fucks. He enjoys getting taken advantage of by an ice monster so much that he barely continues to put up a fight. Men, am I right?
Ser Waymar Royce was conflicted. The c*nt of the Other was the tightest, wettest and strangely hottest of any he had sampled before, whores and highborns alike. Despite his weakening protests as the creature began to gyrate and bounce on top of him, an unwilling moan escaped his lips.
"You know, this is actually a really uncomfortable place to have sex."
The other Others get so into it that it turns into an all-out orgy. But just when you think this might have a literal happy ending, it gets horrifying.
Ser Waymar Royce's scream bore deep into Will's soul. His arms were entirely frozen into blue unresponsive ice, and deathly blue color was spreading over the entirety of his body. The knight could feel his warmth being sucked from his entire body through his cock into the cunt of the Other, who wore an expression of pure bliss and victory.
The White Walker freezes him solid with her vagina, because death by sex is a running theme in the magical world of Game of Thrones fan fiction, and also my nightmares now. Staying true to the lore, the White Walkers raise the dead man to serve them as a wight. Only here, "serve" means "violently sodomize your former comrade to death."
Apparently one of their supernatural powers is not having a refractory period.
Will rose. Ser Waymar Royce was already standing over him. His cock was rock hard, an icy dagger sticking straight from his lap. His eyes were open, an unnatural blue staring outward. The sword fell from Will's suddenly useless fingers, and he turned to run before a strong hand grabbed his shoulders, stumbling as he is forced to bend over a nearby rock.
Actually, I'm kind of surprised HBO hasn't filmed this yet.
#1. Dreams of Nymeria
A few characters in Game of Thrones are "wargs," which lets them take control of an animal's mind and body. Bran Stark has controlled his dire wolf, and Dreams of Nymeria posits that the other Stark children have this ability as well. And so we begin with Robb Stark in a dream unlike any other:
A warm, pungent scent, like a cross between over-ripe figs and spoilt wine filled his nostrils, and all of Robb's willpower was required to stop himself from turning south and bounding after the scent.
Spoiler alert: The enticing smell is wolf vagina. Do you happen to know much about wolf vaginas? Friend, you're about to learn.
"I made very certain that this was in my contract."
The vagina in question belongs to Nymeria, which astute fans will recognize as Arya's dire wolf. The wolves, happy to be reunited, exchange sniffs and nuzzles. But like all familial relationships in Game of Thrones, this reunion is destined to become much more.
Robb knew there was more to this ritual than a typical canine greeting as his eyes scanned the wolf's rump. If the scent wasn't a dead give-away, Nymeria's wet, swollen mound a mere foot from his nostrils was. She was in heat.
At first Robb resists the offer, but a lupine labia montage changes his mind.
"The masturbators send their regards."
Robb's eyes widened as the female dire wolf's slick vulva neared. Nymeria's lips were soft, grey skin, protruding almost an inch from between her legs. Her slit forked like a tree with two branches, and the base of the mound tapered to a pronounced point. Nymeria clenched and unclenched. He could feel the heat emanating from within.
The author spent more time researching wolf vulvas than I spent researching my term papers. Say what you will, but that shows serious dedication.
"Oh, it was my pleasure."
Robb is an honorable man, so he doesn't give in to mere lust. No, Robb getting queened by a wolf makes him realize that, as they are the only living dire wolves known to the world, he has to help them reproduce. Not because he desires it, but because it is his duty to keep the bloodline pure.
So he tongues her a little and then they do it.
... soon Robb's throbbing wolf cock was several inches from her warm, waiting entrance. Robb could feel a thin rope of semen bridging the gap from his tip to her mound.
"ALL HAIL THE KING OF THE (PETER) NORTH!"
At the risk of alienating a large portion of Cracked's audience, I'm going to skip the hot and heavy dire wolf sex and get straight to the big plot twist. After they're finished, the wolves have a moment of intimate eye contact, prompting Robb to make a sudden realization.
Nymeria's glances and mannerisms reminded Robb strongly of his sister, Arya. Old Gods forbid! Had his 11-year-old sister been riding Nymeria at the same time Robb had been riding ... Nymeria?
The reader makes a sudden realization as well, namely that they were just tricked into reading a story of underage incest by dire wolf mind control proxy. And then Maisie Williams, like the character she plays, adds the author of this story to the list of names she has to kill.
"They're letting me keep the sword. I made sure it was in my contract."
You can read more from Mark, including his Ser Pounce fan fiction, at his website.