5 Sequels Made By People Who Must Not Have Seen the Original

Crank: High Voltage

The first Crank was pure action-porn, and you can tell someone's true gender by whether they say that as a good or bad thing. It was testicles translated into film. Jason Statham had to keep doing awesome things or it was all over, making it Jason Statham's Career: The Movie, and it was even better than that sounds. Crank was action movie with all the pointless shit like comic relief and not-killing people removed. And in an unexpected parallel with Twins, all the pointless shit went into an unwanted second one.

High Voltage is the Danny De Vito of action movies.

The Impossibility

The whole point of the first movie was that the main character was going to die within an hour, and he did so as awesomely as possible: falling out of a helicopter, murdering a man on the way down and then falling asleep to death before hitting the ground because it was still the most relaxing thing he'd done all day. After brain-death, he hits Los Angeles cars and tarmac at terminal velocity. Even the sequel's posters admitted he was dead, meaning even the High Voltage advertising couldn't believe what they were advertising.

They solved the impossibility of having a sequel by not giving a fuck. Unfortunately this used up their entire supply of anti-fuck, so they completely fucked the rest of the movie. An offspring hasn't so thoroughly ruined everything about the original since Scrappy Doo. Jason Statham* wakes up after three months even though the brain death problem from the first film hasn't been solved. The movie addresses those questions by making you feel stupid for asking them, and it makes you feel stupid by reminding you that you're watching Crack 2: High Voltage over and over again.

*Don't even pretend his characters have names.

The original excelled because it had nothing but kickass. They suddenly decided that "foreigners, sluts and Tourette's syndrome" weren't just hilarity incarnate but worth a third of a movie each. Statham suddenly has more annoying sidekicks than Sonic the Hedgehog. The movie spent more time on comic relief than the BBC. Bai Ling's entire character description and motivation was literally "Annoying Whore," and every time the Tourette's character started touretting they played wacky music.

We're here to chew bubblegum and ruin movies, but we can't walk when doing the first.

The first five minutes feature deeply internal shots of Statham before he sodomizes a man with a lubricated shotgun. It's like his career really did die at the end of the first movie and now he's doing porn.

If you want to see this, you want a different kind of "manly action."

Game of Death II

Game of Death was already impossibly bad. Bruce Lee died during filming and they not only released it, they used footage of his real funeral to finish it. It was a real-life, real-death and entirely humorless Weekend at Bernie's. People who use corpses in their plans are why Conan and Bruce Campbell exist to kill people. The fact the producers weren't spectrally kicked to death remains the most convincing proof there's no afterlife.

The Impossibility

Eight years later, Bruce wasn't just still dead, he was much deader. The producers scraped up every spare frame of film they could find just to remind people he was gone, which was a bit of a problem because they'd already done that two Olympics ago. Disney villains have had less pointlessly evil plans, and the remaining clips contained less action than most yearbook photographs. They built the movie around him standing and talking to people, filling in the rest with stuntmen. Not stunt doubles -- because the makers didn't know what Bruce Lee looked like. It was still billed as "starring Bruce Lee," because "The back of Not Bruce Lee's head!" wouldn't make them as much money.

"Hello, master, I am definitely Bruce Lee!"

Even by 1981 standards the editing was terrible, and back then, good editing means you didn't drop pieces of film as you sellotaped them together. Bruce Lee spends the movie teleporting more than Doctor Who, and used physical violence less often. Entire scenes were built around one second of Lee standing in a doorway. If he'd owned an answering machine, they would have made the movie about him chasing a drug dealer called "The Tone."

Advanced training gives the monk the ability to grow and retract eyebrows when Bruce is in shot.

His replacement's martial arts are based entirely on facing away from the camera. His fight scenes so ludicrously prioritize "what people see" over "actually hurting anyone" you'd swear he was doing capoeira. The amazing thing is that he's only in the first 30 minutes of movie. Lee is killed off in a scene which is either an attack of conscience on the part of the scriptwriters, or a brag that offers definitive proof that the film was produced by Satan: "Bruce Lee" dies while desperately clinging to a martial artist's coffin which is being stolen by greedy evildoers. It couldn't be a more accurate movie summary if it was IMDB.

"Dignity" and "Dangling" have never been compatible.

When he's not watching the worst movies ever made, Luke McKinney tumbles and has a website. When he is watching the worst movies ever made they're Irish martial arts disasters and Milla Jovovich killing zombies.

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