__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__But we're not talking about sequels that shouldn't have existed. We're talking about sequels that couldn't have, because the plot of the previous movies made them a logical impossibility, and yet they did. Apparently there's no reasoning with movies like ... __new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__"Yes, this looks like something a sane person would buy."
Jaws: The Revenge__new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Jaws invented the summer blockbuster, is the most famous and profitable movie about people getting eaten ever made -- including Debbie Does Dallas -- and to this day, is the one joy of children made to learn the cello. The sequels were stuck with trying to make "SHARK! AGAIN!" interesting, and plausible.__new_line____new_line__The conceit of the second film is the same as the first: A giant shark is eating people off of Amity Island, and nobody will believe Sheriff Brody when he says that's what's happening. In the third movie, nobody will believe Chief Brody's son that a shark has broken into Sea World and is eating people, presumably because that could never happen anywhere but inside the mind of a crazy person.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__In the fourth film, Jaws: The Revenge, a fourth shark eats Sheriff Brody's other son in the waters off of Amity Island, because sharks are apparently both capable of swearing blood oaths, and remarkably persistent about carrying them out. And here's where things get really far-fetched. __new_line____new_line____new_line__The Impossibility__new_line____new_line__The Revenge was impossible in more directions than Escher. Lead actor Roy Scheider refused to return, because the previous disasters had done more aquatic damage than the Exxon Valdez. He went on to make SeaQuest DSV, safe with the knowledge that it now couldn't be the worst thing ever filmed on the ocean.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__"Please note that we haven't even arrived at the most implausible sequel yet."
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__After her son is killed by yet another giant great white shark, Ellen Brody leaves Amity Island for the Bahamas, and I'd like to congratulate one of Amity's suicidal bait-monkeys for finally having that idea. Almost as if they're unprepared for the inclusion of logic in a Jaws sequel, the shark follows her. Did the shark hire a PI? Was there a great white sitting in the back of the plane with an extremely dark hat and glasses? The only question the writers appear to be interested in having answered is, "Holy shit, you're still watching these movies after that Sea World one?" __new_line____new_line__To be fair, they have a point. The shark is the least threatening fish this side of sushi. It moves like a sock puppet and attacks like a grandmother plugging in a USB key. Meanwhile, the heroes are worse at aquatic combat than flamethrowers. The climax is an estranged mother and son crying at each other on a tiny boat. That's not after the final showdown, that's during it. A franchise couldn't ruin its final showdown worse if the T1000 had suddenly become vulnerable to the power of friendship. __new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__And Poseidon knows it tried.
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__After decades of having everyone close to her eaten by sharks, Ellen has developed the ability to be traumatized by sharks, freezing up and flashing back every time she sees it. This is especially when she's doing something vital like steering the boat. And just like every '80s movie, the stupidest ability possible saves the day! Just before gently prodding the shark with the boat's bowsprit, she flashes back to a sepia-toned clip of the original movie's "Smile you son of a bitch!" So even the flashbacks are impossible because the only living thing to see that immediately became a hundred buckets of oxygenated chum.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__The impact somehow causes the shark to explode like a blood-filled balloon, thus bringing the franchise to a merciful ending.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__And reminding audiences of the original at this point was just cruel.
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Jaws 4 sucks more impossibly than a black hole.
Highlander: The Quickening__new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Highlander made audiences care about swashbuckling at a time when every action movie was required to feature explosions by inventing swashbucklers who caused explosions. When two of the film's Immortals fight, things explode for almost no reason, and when one wins even more things explode for even less reason. It remains the coolest thing films have done with swords after lightsabers. And just like lightsabers, more recent films with them suck like a Hydra stealing gas.__new_line____new_line__The Impossibility__new_line____new_line__Every single thing about the first movie said it was over. The Immortals were all dead. Connor MacLeod was mortal, psychically omniscient, had the girl, wanted to settle down and even his new powers made him wimpier because he used them to know what his girlfriend was thinking. His ass-kicking days couldn't be more over if he'd lost the final fight and been decapitated, because even then his body would still have balls. They even encoded the warning in the plot, "There can be only one!" As with all ancient warnings, breaking it released horrors.__new_line____new_line__In The Quickening, all the ass-kicking mythology that wasn't explained in the first movie because who cares was given an explanation that managed to get all the facts from the first movie wrong despite there only being two of them.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Despite the first movie featuring more than two Immortals from over 500 years ago, The Quickening explains that immortals originated when the planet Zeist! exiled two treasonous criminals 500 years ago. The planet Zeist! has an immortality-creating teleporter, but they only use it on criminals who want to kill the government. The planet Zeist!'s government is Michael Ironside, who clearly believes this is a Disney movie. There's less ass-kicking than a minesweeper's reunion. Highlander opens with a wrestling match and moves on to a sword fight which explodes a carpark. The Quickening opened with an important message about the environment and moved on to an old man falling asleep at the opera. Connor only uses his psychic powers on Al Gore, then spends 30 minutes of the movie as an old man waiting to die before being attacked by the retarded cousin of the Matrix Twins.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__One film caption hasn't told so many fans to fuck themselves since DIY Masturbation was closed captioned for the hearing impaired.
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__The face of action!
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__How many of the following things aren't murdering people with swords: making jokes at a tailor's shop, ruining a Shakespearean play and sacrificing your life to defeat a ceiling fan. If you could even read that sentence you did better than Sean Connery, though at least that last one included blades. The Quickening is the worst thing to happen to blades since Wesley Snipes' last tax return.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__The face of inbreeding!