They say wondering if you're crazy is the first step of sanity. And when I say "they," I'm referring to the green men who live inside expired sour cream containers. There's about nine of them. One of them's Mexican. Anyway, the other day, as I was washing the bloodstains out of my Tickle Me Elmo doll, I wondered just how crazy I might be. I mean, I was a husband/father/productive member of society. I paid taxes and obeyed most traffic laws, so it seemed I was off to a good start. Still, I had to wonder: Am I nuts?
Well, that's not a picture of me. Off to a good start so far.
So here's the deal. I compiled a list of the most insane things I do and then looked them up online to make my diagnosis.
5 Talking to Myself
Do you talk to yourself? I do. And not just because David Bowie doesn't take my calls. I speak to myself almost every day and almost always in the shower. I know what you're thinking: big deal. I mean, anyone who sees Gladstone naked and wet, including Gladstone, is bound to exclaim wild sexual approval, but those are not the things I say in the shower.
Also not me.
Usually, they're sudden exclamations that I'm not aware of on a fully conscious level until I hear them leave my mouth. Really extreme things. Things like:
"Think I need to kill someone."
"God, I love you."
"You're the best."
"You're the worst."
"Everyone hates you, please leave."
"Oh God, that makes me die."
Then I'll hear it and say, "What the hell were you just thinking about?" I usually can't trace it. For the more negative ones, it's usually me remembering something I screwed up recently. Tiny mistakes. The type of things that someone would tweet about, like "Ugh, forgot to get eggs, fuck me." But in the shower it comes out extreme and crazy. Like most things I do. So. AM I CRAZY?
Well, the Internet Says ...
No. Now, you might not trust mental health decisions to unqualified Internet answers, but what if I told you that this response was considered "Best Answer"? Yeah, I thought that would shut you up. According to an unnamed dude, talking to yourself is only a problem if you hear responses or if you think you're talking to someone else. Now frankly, that sounds stupid to me, because if I were talking to imaginary friends, I would have Googled that, I mean Yahooed that, but I searched talking to "yourself." But what do I know? No one ever told me I had the "Best Answer." I'm just some guy talking to himself in the shower while he poops into his own hands. Oh wait, I didn't include that in my search. Whatever. Probably not a sign of anything.
4 Mentally Screaming at People Who Are in My Way
I hate other drivers and pedestrians. I should rephrase: I don't care about 98 percent of them at all. It's the ones I notice that drive me nuts. I've written about them in other columns, so I won't repeat the complaints here. We all know the other drivers we hate. Anyway, I know most people scream sassy insults out their window when they get cut off in traffic. They flip the bird or whatever. I know that doesn't make someone nuts (just a bad candidate for being an elementary school bus driver). I'm not talking about that.
Here is someone I'm not talking about.
I'm talking about what I do. I engage in a nonstop, politically incorrect litany of hatred as I'm stuck behind someone in a vehicular or public sidewalk traffic situation. It's not even funny. Just a nonstop tirade of junior high school contempt. And when I say junior high school, you have no idea. You cannot comprehend the number of pedestrians I have mentally addressed as "Douchey McFuckface" as I laser-bore my contempt into the back of their skull. So. AM I CRAZY?
Well, the Internet Says ...
No. In truth, I had to do a bunch of searches, but ultimately I came to this site, which wanted me to take a whole bunch of tests. And although the tests did have things about yelling and being verbally abusive, I didn't see ANYTHING about silently calling pedestrians "Douchey McFuckface," so apparently I'm as right as rain. Mentally, verbally abusive rain that calls you "Douchey McFuckface" if you scurry in front of me when I'm in a rush and then suddenly slow down once I'm trapped.