#2. Whipped Cream Chargers
Hey, do you want to get high like your parents did in the '70s? Find a convenience store and pick up a pack of whipped cream chargers, more popularly known as whip-its! You've likely seen these contraptions around at the occasional gas station and wondered why a box of devices used to make whipped cream cans work have any place among the racks of Cheetos and Snickers and such. Simple -- those little cartridges are filled with nitrous oxide. You might recognize that as the "laughing gas" you're sometimes given during particularly gnarly dental procedures. Doing it in large quantities will get you high as shit, and that's why possessing it in large quantities is something only dentists and a few other select professionals are allowed to do.
Including porn professionals, apparently.
To get around that, it's sold in tiny quantities as a culinary tool, with most users opting to buy the party-in-a-bottle by the box or case. There are sites online that will sell you 240 whipped cream cartridges for less than $100. You can't freely buy a giant tank of nitrous oxide, but you can totally buy enough nitrous to fill one without much hassle. As this story will attest, you can do so at your neighborhood convenience store, or even a market.
If you think there's no harm in the ready availability of nitrous oxide, well, you're probably right. The high lasts for like 15 seconds, and constantly popping open those little cartridges can be a total hassle. It takes a special kind of drug addict to put up with that shit with any kind of frequency. As luck would have it, Steve-O of MTV's Jackass fame was exactly that kind of addict.
He had a well-documented (by way of a documentary he filmed himself) run-in with nitrous oxide addiction that ended with his cast mates staging an intervention to get him into rehab. That's right, the cast of Jackass was concerned that he might be living dangerously. That's like the Ku Klux Klan coming to your home and calling you out for being too racist.
#1. Chore Boy
Chore Boy, a distant competitor of companies like Brillo and Spic 'n Span, is one of those also-ran products that, when you see it, you're always surprised it still exists. Kind of like seeing someone drinking a can of Tab cola. If it comes to pass that you do see Chore Boy on the shelves of some strange store someday, make note of your surroundings. Chances are that you're in a shitty neighborhood.
Much like the Phillies Blunt company stays afloat because their awful machine-rolled cigars are a favorite of marijuana smokers, Chore Boy has endured because it's a vital component in smoking crack cocaine.
These are not. Do not fill them with crack. You will die.
Remember those glass-tube roses that kicked off this article? They're generally used in conjunction with Chore Boy. The copper mesh acts as a screen onto which the concentrated cocaine can be dissolved and vaporized (according to a friend of mine). If you do a quick Google search for Chore Boy and crack, you'll find countless message board posts from people inquiring about or sharing the ideal means with which to use it (specifically) in the act of smoking. For ethical reasons, most of which involve me not wanting to Google the phrase "how to smoke crack" on my work computer, I will not link to them here.
San Diego Reader
This is not what Chore Great-Grandfather had in mind when he started the company.
It's being able to easily tear it into tiny pieces that makes it such an attractive option over its more durable counterparts that are made of steel or aluminum. It's the fact that you need to heat it to absurdly high temperatures before you use it or run the risk of death by inhalation of copper fumes that makes it just one of the many crazy reasons you shouldn't smoke crack. All of the other reasons are Flavor Flav.
This week on Stars Without Their Viking Helmets and Clocks ...
So, when it comes time to clean your kitchen, always remember: Other cleaning products might last longer or do a better job, but nothing helps you ruin your life quite like Chore Boy.