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"Game Jams" are competitions in which developers come together to make games in a ridiculously short period. Participating teams try to cram the complete creation of a game from the ground up into 24 hours, or 72 hours, or one week -- all of which are stupidly impossible time constraints compared to the years it takes for a retail video game to go from a developer's wet dream and into your hands.

Sorry, I just grossed myself out there for a second and lost my train of thought.

Oh yeah, I remember my point now: Some incredible innovation can come from game competitions like these, but mostly it's just a bunch of crazy shit that will never and should never become an actual product. Crazy shit like ...

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Succulent

Succulent is ... I don't know what Succulent is, actually. It's not a game. I mean, it looks and feels like a game -- there just isn't much to do other than make a trio of fit men in boxer briefs perform overtly homoerotic stuff with themselves and a phallic orange thing on a stick. But I guess that's exactly what Succulent is ultimately trying to be: a weirdness simulator.

This guy(s) doesn't have a name, so let's call him "Enrico." Enrico wants to eat that orange thing, which is possibly a Creamsicle or a corn dog, but is most definitely a dick. You make him do that by using the mouse to move the cocksicle (corn dong?) into his mouth, and then out again, and then in again, and then out again. You know, like a dick. Once you're in his mouth, you can do all sorts of fun stuff, like wiggle and prod and poke and deep throat.

Each time you move that Freudian nightmare of a snack into his yearning wet mouth, a dancey club tune pulses and Enrico's backup dancer clones grab their (his) junk suggestively. I guess they're suggesting that his next snack be actual dicks, but I'm no semiologist, so I can't be sure of such things.

The more you plunge, the smaller the Creamsicle gets. The smaller it gets, the more the game's grip on reality loosens. Which may suggest that the boner food is laced with something? Whatever the case, it causes Left Backup Enrico's spine to rebel and start twitching like a demonically possessed Beyonce ...

... and the invisible stick up Right Backup Enrico's ass starts spinning him around like he's one of those mechanized lollipops, but minus the lolli and plus a man in underwear holding his dick as if the centrifugal force is threatening to make it fly off.

In the end, the game's madness catches up to it and everything melts, and the demons that have trapped the Enrico triplets in the eternal void of sucking expose themselves:

So ... we win, I guess?

4
How Do You Do It?

Keeping with the theme of sexually suggestive games, here's another weird gem from Global Game Jam 2014. It's called How Do You Do It?, and it's a game about making dolls fuck.


And the little girl is way too into it.

When we were kids, we all used to make our toys do dirty things, even though we didn't quite know what those dirty things were. It's all part of the weird, awkward magic of growing up. How Do You Do It? attempts to capture that magic in the form of a video game, done roughly in the style of a PBS toddler's cartoon.

You play as a little girl whose mother has left the house for a few minutes. Before she returns, the girl tries to better understand the bizarre concept of sex by bumping her naked dolls together. You use the WASD keys to move her arms, and J and K to rotate the dolls. Sadly, the game doesn't offer a fully 3D representation of rubbing smooth plastic doll genitals together, so there aren't a wide variety of positions to put them in. Here are some of my better attempts:


The Synchronized Dive


The Fart Sniffer


The Leaping Double Dolphin


The Indescribable

And that, my friends, is why I'm now 100-percent positive that I'm on an FBI watch list.

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Mustdashe

Not every game to come out of a game competition is a surreal fuck simulator. Some of them are genuine works of art that allow us to live out our most cherished, unattainable dreams. For instance, I long believed I would never get live out my lifelong fantasy of being able to punch mustaches onto people's faces. But now I can, thanks to Mustdashe.

Mustdashe was created for the 7DFPS competition, in which participants had seven days to make a fully-functioning (well, mostly functioning) first-person shooter. It's a simple game: You are a person with fists, and those fists can stamp mustaches onto people and things via violent, bone crushing punches. These punches don't mess around, either. Each one sends a stiff-bodied peg person flying back like a towel behind a jet engine.

For their trouble, they are rewarded with mustaches. Punch mustaches. I'm sorry, but I just don't think that phrase can be said enough.

It's a fun, ridiculous little game that allowed me to give a baby a mustache by punching it out of a stroller and across a park:


A fraction of a second before I launched a mustachioed baby across the game.

I'm not sure if Mustdashe won any awards, but it should have, simply for giving me the opportunity to type the previous sentence.

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Hurt Me Plenty

Hey, you know how I just said that not every game to come out of a game competition was porn you can almost touch? Well, that statement is true in the same vein as "Not every plane crash ends in death." Sure, there are tons of games that don't involve some bizarre form of sexual pleasure -- but there are so many that do. Like Hurt Me Plenty, from (of course) the creator of Succulent.


So ... Mario's not in this one?

I'll let the creator of the game explain himself:

This a short game where you spank the heck out of a dude and learn about how BDSM communities attempt to formalize consent/caring.

It's about beating the shit out of someone, but also compassion. I don't know the first thing about the BDSM community, so I'll pretend that makes sense so I can shut off my brain and play a game about spanking a grown-ass man.

The game is designed to be played with a Leap Motion, which is a motion-sensing device like the Kinect that comes with the Xbox One. Lacking that, I used the mouse to simulate the beating of my own personal Fuckboy. My session began, innocently enough, with shaking hands. Which is how all good spankings begin.

Then he assumed his submissive position and presented his ass to me. By frantically moving the mouse side-to-side, I then beat the shit out of Fuckboy.

His ass glowed redder with every hit as "NOO!" and "STOP!" and "AHH! FUCK!" floated out of his mouth. But I had to be careful. I couldn't beat him too hard for too long. If I took it too far and ignored the safe word we agreed on when we first shook hands ("red") I could do some damage. So I took it too far. I walloped Fuckboy.

I hit Fuckboy's ass so hard he passed out:

But never fear, for Fuckboy is just fine:

See? After I beat him into unconsciousness, I helped him "unpack" his feelings by softly caressing his back, letting Fuckboy know he was in safe hands. And the whole time that was happening, he was complaining about how I hit him too hard. Fuckboy should shut his fucking mouth. Doesn't he know I'll beat the shit out of him?

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GAME OF THE YEAR: 420BLAZEIT vs xxXilluminatiXxx [wow/10 #rekt edition] - Montage Parody The Game

Before anything, please watch as much of the following footage of GAME OF THE YEAR: 420BLAZEIT vs xxXilluminatiXxx [wow/10 #rekt edition] - Montage Parody The Game as you can stand:

Now that you saw that crazy shit with no context, here's what it is: GAME OF THE YEAR: 420BLAZEIT vs xxXilluminatiXxx [wow/10 #rekt edition] - Montage Parody The Game is meta. It's a game based on parody videos people made to mock montage videos of other games. It's confusing. Basically, there are video games like Call of Duty that attract a special breed of douchebag -- people who take the multiplayer element so seriously that they compile hours of footage of them doing cool shooty stuff and put it all together in cheesy YouTube montages. Like so:

After a while, certain montage video tropes became apparent, and people started making parody montage videos:

It's all very dorky and has its head buried firmly up its own ass. But then, for an aforementioned 7DFPS competition, a guy named Andy Sum made a montage parody as an actual game. I understand that giving a longer explanation didn't help anyone better understand any of this, because so few of us have enough shit in our reserves to give any about this. Still, all that dumb video game subculture mocking bullshit is worth it if the end result is GAME OF THE YEAR: 420BLAZEIT vs xxXilluminatiXxx [wow/10 #rekt edition] - Montage Parody The Game. Because as you saw, it is the pure, distilled essence of bonkers.

It's Doritos. It's Mountain Dew. It's psychedelia with bullets and the dog from Duck Hunt. It's the incoherent, excited screams of people playing other games in other montage videos swirled indiscriminately with memes. It's also dubstep. So much fucking dubstep.


Or it's a shared hallucination and this entry is just a bunch of gibberish HTML coding.

I can't make it to the end of the game. It's too saturated in the obnoxious bullshit of the specific sub-sub-subculture of the world it's parodying for me to want to spend more than a couple minutes in its self-aware turbo gamer douchedom. But still, I appreciate it, because every so often it's nice to pay insanity a little visit.

Luis is busy typing this sentence. And this one. And this one. And this one. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.

For more from Luis, check out 5 Pop Culture References Nobody Got in Movies and TV Shows and The 4 Hardest Things Done By Great Minds So You Can Be Lazy.

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