#2. Nice Pants
Y'all know me, I don't roll with pants. I think that shit's oafish at best. But they are a necessity in life when in mixed company. In comics, though, they seem somewhat less necessary. Consider if you had the power to blow buildings up by looking at them -- are you wearing pants if you're not in a pants-wearing mood? Fuck no. You'll blow up Jean Machine if they try to convince you otherwise. And yet, even as we've progressed beyond the comics code and curious rules of decency, we get this:
Oh my God, look at the pants. Panties. I'm not sure of the proper vernacular for superpeople. Point is, do any of these characters need pants or panties? If the Hulk is a mindless green rage monster (and he used to be), where did he get modesty from? He should be using his big green crank to smash mailboxes. I would. And realistically, the Thing's wiener is only going to look like a brick, so what the hell does he care?
This is taking the need for pants to ridiculous new heights. This joker's name is Fin Fang Foom, and he's probably as racist as Mel Gibson's Hanukkah special. As you can see, he's taller than buildings, but he still has on a dapper pair of bloomers. Where the hell did he get those things? Where's the giant ass seamstress in the Marvel universe making pants for giant asses? Equally weird is the prevalence of purple pants in comics. Last time I saw someone in purple pants, he was also wearing a fur-trimmed hat and drinking from a goblet.
#1. Poop Face
I can't claim to know for sure if this is something foolish that artists do or something totally reasonable, having never been in a life and death struggle with superpowered foes before. But that aside, I can tell you that, with stunning regularity (that was a shit pun, make a note of it), artists indicate intensity in a scene by drawing characters to look like they're losing a battle against dysentery in the most brutal possible way. Have you noticed how often I write about bathroom-related topics? Huh.
This intense cover shows Wolverine and Hulk for what could easily be mistaken as a scene in some privacy-free military bathroom where both titans are coming to terms with the reality that Spider-Man spiked their chocolate milk with Ex-Lax and all they can do is stare at each other and scream.
Here's a collage I like to call "Rage Dump." Wolverine clearly gets this treatment a lot, but go ahead and try this expression yourself, right now. Grit your teeth and then pull your lips back until you can just start to see your molars. Now envision the set of circumstances that need to occur to force you into making that expression naturally. You need to be either tripping balls on bath salts or trying to maintain your balance on a toilet that's traveling at subsonic speeds.
On the other hand, for all I know, comic book artists lose bowel control when they're fighting and it's just been a big conspiracy to keep it a secret all this time. You and I may have just learned something together.
For more from Ian, check out 6 Bizarre Real World Versions of Fictional Monsters and The 6 Ballsiest Scientific Frauds (People Actually Fell For).