If there's one thing I think we can all agree on, it's that, much like clowns, everybody loves a cop. And for good reason! After all, in the unfortunate event that one of us should fall victim to a crime, who are we going to call first? No matter what my N.W.A-based childhood understanding of law enforcement taught me, the answer, of course, is the police.
There are some among us, though, who've developed a slightly less positive opinion of law enforcement. That likely explains why, out of all the fascinating stats in this article about things that are more deadly than terrorism, this was the one that blew up on Twitter:
Because there are way more cops, you see.
What is it that compels some people to take a less than favorable stance on the public service that police provide? If I had to guess, I'd say it probably has something to do with stories like those presented here, which seem to be popping up at an alarming rate these days.
Here are five recent trends that make it hard to trust the police ...
5They're Becoming Way Too Fond of Anal Probes
Anal probes are the kind of thing we like to pretend only exist in ridiculous alien abduction stories. We're most inclined to associate them with the shadier doings of the TSA, but that's not something they actually do. To put it simply, getting probed anally is not a common thing. Unfortunately, in some locales, that's a comfort the police are taking away from us.
Maybe it's because alien sightings are so frequent in the area, but this is especially true in New Mexico, where anal probing during routine traffic stops is reaching terrifying new levels. I mean, any anal probing during a traffic stop is pretty terrifying, but New Mexico really goes all out. Or all in, I suppose. That probably fits a little better in this situation.
Like a glove!
Cracked already covered the first anal probe horror story to come out of Heisenberg country a few days ago. Everyone has covered it, because it's goddamn crazy. It involves a man named David Eckert who was subjected to a colonoscopy, two rectal exams, and three enemas for no other crime than rolling through a stop sign while leaving a Walmart.
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Beware of falling prices and unwanted anal penetration.
You know, the police probably assumed that a person who just got done shopping at Walmart doesn't have much dignity left for them to take, so what could a surprise colonoscopy hurt? And besides, they'd already done the exact same thing to another man not long before this incident and nobody raised a stink about it that time. At least they didn't until the David Eckert story broke, at which point the first man filed suit against the police also. If you're keeping score at home, that's two unwanted anal probe lawsuits currently pending against police in New Mexico.
Two is also the operative number in a terrifying story out of Texas in which a female officer gave two women vaginal and rectal exams right at the side of the road. Relax, she wore gloves. Now unrelax, because she didn't change gloves between exams. Two girls, one pair of gloves, if you will. If that sounds unbelievable, I have great news -- it was caught on video:
So was the second nearly identical incident that also happened in Texas.
Once again, it should be noted that the officer doesn't change gloves between exams. That's fucking nasty.
As noted in the lawsuits filed on behalf of the victims, the fact that both incidents bear such a striking resemblance to each other even though they happened at opposite ends of the state means that, somewhere, young police academy recruits are likely being told that fingering lady parts is a constitutionally acceptable aspect of any thorough traffic stop, which, of course, is madness.
Oh, and speaking of unlawful entry ...
4They're Constantly Raiding the Wrong House
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Police kicking down an innocent person's door is only funny when it happens to someone you know and no one is seriously injured. Beyond that, police showing up at the wrong address often makes for a horrifying story, and it happens constantly.
Sometimes you can say that literally, as is the case with an elderly Brooklyn couple who, thanks to a computer glitch, have had police at their doorstep in error more than 50 times. After Walter and Rose Martin unknowingly had their address used to test an NYPD computer system in 2002, the visits started, sometimes up to three in one week. I don't know if I've even had 50 legitimate visits to my residence by anyone, police or otherwise, since 2002*.
*Medical deliveries excluded.
That said, at least they were relatively peaceful and non-destructive visits. Most people who find themselves on the business end of a bust gone wrong aren't so lucky, like the Massachusetts woman who had her door chainsawed in half by police targeting the wrong apartment.
That's going to be hard to fix.
They eventually tracked down the suspect they were actually looking for in the apartment next door. How a person on the run from the law doesn't take police power-tooling their neighbor's entryway as a sign that they should probably flee the scene is beyond me, but alas, that's how that story ends. Once again, the bright side here is that at least it all ended without anyone getting seriously injured. Sadly, that's not always the case.
When police in Arizona raided the home of 26-year-old former Marine Jose Guerana as part of a botched marijuana sting, he armed himself with an AR-15 rifle in an effort to protect his wife and child from intruders he had no reason to believe would be police. After his door was broken down, 70 rounds were unloaded in Jose Guerana's direction in just seven seconds. He died shortly thereafter. It was later revealed that he hadn't even disengaged the safety on his weapon at the time of the shooting.
Nothing funny about that!