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5 Reasons Your Online Dating Profile Isn't Working

#2. You're a Genuinely Bad Person and Deserve to Die Alone in Mustard-Stained Sweatpants

There is of course that special set of people who ... suck. They deserve to be locked away in a big metal box underground like that guy who killed Superman (or didn't, as it turned out. Presumably because he sucked at that too). Do you think that women are all conniving bitches who have an obligation to keep their legs shaved? Do you think everyone who differs from you in even minor ways is by nature subhuman? Are you looking for a glorified sex tube as opposed to a romantic partner because you essentially hate human beings? Well then nobody wants to date you because your sexist, racist, sexist, homophobic, sexist, xenophobic, misspelled, sexist dating profile helpfully conveys what a Poe's law-level of asshole you are, and the fact that you have proudly listed your failings as though they were virtues conveys that your pool of romantic partners is amusingly limited to Russian spambots (you two will make a lovely couple).

#1. FRIEND ZONE

Let's not beat around the bush: If you have ever cried "friend zone!" unironically, then I'm afraid you're not ready to participate in society. Oh, we'd love to have you, but with the lineup we've got, we can't see you making it off the bench. For those blissfully ignorant of the concept, the friend zone is that unbearable set of circumstances in which a person of the opposite sex is ... friends with you! As if life wasn't hard enough already, now you have ALL THESE GODDAMN FRIENDS.

So how could this potentially be a problem? Because -- and this is the optimistic interpretation -- some people can only conceive of a relationship with the opposite sex in terms of the differences between those two sexes: men/women are electrical plugs/outlets, and if the two aren't experiencing a brief, sparkless insertion, then the whole thing is clearly just pointless. Which would make perfect sense if the analogy wasn't as wrong as it's possible to be.

Try this one instead: Men and women are like ... two very similar configurations of the same species, who are mutually benefited psychologically and emotionally by ongoing socialization with each other despite the fact that it's puzzlingly rare that any two of us get along for extended periods of time. So, I guess, like cats? Cats might be the easiest way to crystallize that analogy.

Friendship is an endgame state, with a little flag and triumphant music and anywhere from one to six fireworks, depending on how long it took to complete the stage. And romance? That's the secret bonus level -- and if it wasn't, more people would have fucking found it. So when another person wants to be friends with you, it's absurd to presume that the two of you are moving in the exact wrong direction.

If friendship isn't good enough, then what else isn't good enough? Is it ... everything? I hope not. Work on making friends and connections for now, and then (surprise) maybe you'll find you become the kind of person whose dating profile is that of someone who genuinely seems mature and well-liked. What do you have to lose, other than a bunch of swords? (SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WITH THE FUCKING SWORDS?!)

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Winston Rowntree

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