5 Reasons Your New Year's Resolution Is Going to Fail
I've never been much on New Year's Resolutions. They're less "resolutions" than a vague sort of passing thought that boils down to: "This is how I'd like to change myself. I think I'll try that for a few days and see how it works out." Polls show 88 percent of them end with a resounding, "What the fuck was I thinking?" before the end of the first month.
And though I lack the motivation to conduct a scientific 10,000-person poll on the subject, I have tried and failed 10,000 or so life improvement attempts myself. I have noticed a specific pattern in this failure, so let me say that you're already doomed if you're ...
#5. Setting Vague Goals
No resolution guarantees automatic failure more than the vague ones like, "I'm going to eat healthier" or "I'm going to get in shape" or "I'm going to stop being such a fuck-up."
The real danger in these types of promises is that the person making them can wind up thinking they've actually accomplished what they've set out to do, regardless of what changes they made or didn't make. That's secretly the reason your brain made you keep the goal vague, because subconsciously it knew to leave some wiggle room.
Let's take, "I'm going to eat healthier." Easy enough -- on the next grocery trip you'll cut out the junk food -- it doesn't take much will power to just not buy soda and chips and candy bars. Hell, look at the money you saved!
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It's a well documented fact that when you cut out junk food, money literally falls out of your ceiling.
A few hours later, you'll realize that you can't go the whole day without snacking on something. The hunger is distracting you from your work. So, maybe next time you buy some carrots and celery and other shit we think healthy people eat. About two days after that, you can't stand the sight of another vegetable, so you'll find a compromise replacement ... maybe granola bars or something with "just a little sugar" in it. Those are healthy, right? Fucking hippies. And you can't just drink water all day, so maybe an occasional diet soda wouldn't hurt.
In this war between you and your cravings, you'll keep retreating until you find some bit of ground that it doesn't cost you much to keep -- say, cutting out the chips, because it turns out you like pretzels just as much. And just like that, you're "eating healthier," despite the fact that 99.4 percent of your diet is exactly the same and your original resolution was clearly shooting higher. It turns out that movable finish lines are really easy to cross.
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"Oh, wow. Um ... can we just slide that up about a hundred feet?"
Realistically ...
Resolutions are about other people; the whole point of making a grand "resolution" that you tell all of your co-workers about (as opposed to just quietly changing your diet) is that you are kind of hoping the public shame aspect will motivate you. But that requires giving them specific things they can give you shit about if you get caught doing them.
So you've got to specifically say that you're cutting out all soda, chips, edible panties or whatever you're giving up. Define specific things that you'll be publicly shamed for having in your hand. Otherwise, don't bother -- you're just firing blindly into a garbage dump until you hit something ... then proudly turning to your friends and saying, "Nice. I was aiming for that can the whole time."
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"That's why I say, 'Hey, man, nice shot. Good shot, man.'"
#4. Trapping Other People in Your Resolution
This one makes me want to punch people in their stupid, stupid faces. I should probably make a resolution to not be that way, but I'd break that fucker the second I heard someone say, "My resolution is for my girlfriend and I to get more exercise!" or, even worse, the implied resolution behind, "This year, I'm going to travel more with my family!"
Hey, did you ask your family? Nope, those poor fuckers are coming along with your journey to self improvement, whether they like it or not.
Now, obviously it's one thing if this has been discussed amongst all parties involved and agreed upon unanimously. You and your girlfriend can enjoy your tandem bike rides, you can pack up your family car and drive off into the sunset, blasting your favorite Cannibal Corpse CD or whatever it is that families listen to. But in my experience, this is often decided on the fly by a single person, whose life improvement plan involves using other people as props ("We're going to do more fun things as a family!" or "We're all going to start eating healthier!" or "We're all going to watch less TV!"). And everyone else just has to sort of go along with it, even if they hate every second of it. Which they will.
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"Yeah, I'm feeling better already. Thanks, cun- mom. I meant mom."
Let's take the "no junk food" thing from earlier. Yes, that's a noble goal for you, the overweight adult. And yes, childhood diabetes is a terrible thing and your kids shouldn't need a Rascal scooter to get from their bedroom to the fridge ... but you have to also keep in mind that they are still kids, and one of the most primal joys in a child's life is eating sweet things. If you make the decision to subject everyone in your house to your bullshit whim of a resolution, you're taking away part of what makes their childhood so goddamn fun. You had your fun at that age, but now you're punishing your healthy 10-year-old for your high cholesterol.
And it's going to fail. For each person you add to your group declaration, you double your chances of it failing. If you're adding even one person who doesn't agree that there is a problem, then go ahead and move the failure likelihood to 100 percent. Resolutions have to come from the inside.
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"Donald! You'd better not be in the opium jar again!"
Realistically ...
Don't get me wrong, if you're a parent, you have the right to control what your kids do, as best you can. But we're talking about resolutions here -- sudden, abrupt, drastic changes to lifestyle. You can think of yourself as the Undisputed Head of the Household all you want, but people won't suddenly abandon the things they enjoy unless they buy into the reasoning for it.
If you absolutely have to make a family or relationship-related resolution, sit down with them and talk about it. If it's a family situation, make a game of it -- see who can come up with the most fun ways to keep the resolution and then as a reward, that person doesn't get beaten tonight. If you're a woman sitting down with your significant other, get them to agree that there's a problem in the first place. If it's a diet issue, using a calm, rational, caring voice, say something to the effect of, "You so fat that when you got stopped by the cops, yo blood alcohol content came up as 'gravy.'" Or, "Last time you went to the tanning booth, it started a grease fire." Did you notice the technique? That's right; they're "yo mamma" jokes without the "yo mamma" part. Try it.
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"You so bald, you ... don't ... have much hair." It takes some practice.
But before any of that, try to make the resolution about you. Instead of, "This year, I'm going to travel more with my family!" it can be, "I'm going to stop going out on Saturday night so I can free up more time to do stuff with (my family, or whoever)." See the difference between that, versus decreeing that everyone will be required to pack their shit and go somewhere with you? You actually have the power to make yourself available to them. You don't have the power to make them enjoy a vacation that they were in no mood to take.
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"Hey, mom? Next year when you make a resolution, can you instead just go fuck yourself?"
#3. Not Doing the Homework First
So let's say that you've modified your vague resolution about eating healthy, and you've now defined it as flat out as you can: "I'm going to lose 30 lbs. by March." Now we're getting somewhere.
Wait. How did you come up with that number? Did you pull it out of a hat? The safe standard for weight loss is around two pounds per week. Any more, and you're risking some actual damage to your body, your mind and a collapse in overall energy. Meaning, you can either reach the goal and feel like shit (in which case you're going to stop dieting because you feel like shit) or else you'll fall far short of the goal because you were, in reality, "only" losing weight at the healthy rate of a 5-10 lbs. a month (at which point you're going to stop dieting because it's taking too long).
Do your goddamned homework, is what I'm saying. If you don't know what to expect, it's going to be incredibly easy to just throw in the towel. And then eat it, because you think it's people-food.
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Baby and all.
Part of what you're finding out, of course, is exactly what you'll need to do or not do in order to lose the weight. Are you taking that into account? Are you actually picturing being hungry and tired and sore, or are you just imagining yourself in a movie montage that ends with you pulling up your shirt to reveal your sexy abs? And what happens after March? Throwing your hands in the air, Rocky style and declaring victory over a cake party will take away half a year's worth of work in a goddamn heartbeat.
You can apply this to anything. Did you resolve to save $1,000 by June? What specifically are you going to do without? Are you going to take on a second job? Where is the time going to come from? Did you resolve to ramp 30 school buses on a dirt bike by August? Have you ever ramped anything before? What kind of training do daredevils get before they attempt stunts like that? Where do you get buses you can practice ramping?
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Personally, I just ramp them right there in the school parking lot while the kids are loading up.
Realistically ...
Which sounds easier: Losing 30 lbs. by June, or losing 5 lbs. per month? If you're starting your resolution on January 1, then both of those statements equal the same amount of weight. But 5 lbs. per month sounds much more attainable. And that psychological boost is needed in this resolution, more than just about any other that I've heard. And if that's still too daunting, take it down another notch. Forget the weight, and concentrate on the regimen. "I'm going to do 30 minutes on the Hump Machine three times a week."
Everybody is fat for different reasons, everybody has different weaknesses. That can make it impossible to know how fast you can lose the weight. Don't let the number discourage you from habits that everybody agrees will make you healthier in the long run.
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"Yay! Grandpa finally squeezed one out!"
And this is why I haven't bothered with resolutions since middle school.
ReplyFreakin' hilarious. It's just the way the one-liner photos are added to the text that add that pop of humor and just get ya good. "Eating towels...baby and all" and "energetic towel thief" are the kind of lines I wouldn't dream of writing yet are hysterically familiar. My family all has that twisted kind of humor. I tell ya, it's the kind or writing that gives me reason to bust a gut. Keep up the good work! Your style inspires my own writing!
ReplyHey, now.
ReplyNobody ever gained back 30 pounds from ONE cake party.
Challenge accepted!
John Cheese kicks ass. Plain and simple. :D
Replyha! This article is wrong on every single point. In January of 2011 I was at a healthy weight but I was also at a point where I could stand to lose a few pounds. My new years resolution was to lose five pounds over the course of the next year (still a healthy weight but closer to where I wanted to be). Today I am 8 pounds lighter than I was on January 6th 2011. My resolution for this year is to lose 3 more pounds, which will make me the lightest I can be at my height and build without being officially underweight (although technically I could probably lose another 10 pounds and still be mostly healthy, albeit somewhat malnourished).
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYou're completely right, the writer must have completely overlooked the fact that if its article doesn't apply to a specific person, then it's an epic fail.
Thanks for reminding everyone out there about to write something for Cracked.
It's also really cool that you lost 8 pounds just today. Great story bro.
I completely agree. My resolution was to eat a cucumber at least once last year, although I didn't do the homework (how much the bastards cost), didn't think about what I was going to miss out on during my eating the cucumber, and didn't think about the other people involved (the cashier who would sell me the cucumber). And yet, on May 23, 2011, I f*****g DID IT. So, yeah, Cheese, you suck.
It's amazing how a person who was so massively overweight as to be 11 pounds overweight could lose 11 pounds. Quite the achievement.
I dont think losing 8 pounds is an "achievement"
I don't make New Year's resolutions because I know they'll fail. Instead, one mid-May day several years ago I decided to stride into the nearest Weight Watchers and sign up for their program. After a little under two years I lost all the weight I gained when I was a college student rebelling from my childhood diet of healthy food and afterward, when a terminally ill parent meant having to live on fast food. I've kept it off for a couple of years while under maintenance, but I still remember that first month on the program when I felt so tired, hungry, and weak that it was a severe test of willpower not to give up completely and delve into a gallon of ice cream. What John Cheese said, therefore, rings completely true to me. Your body's accustomed to a certain way of living and when you stop living that way, it freaks out like a commitment-phobe would when facing a wily limpet. It took me a good six months to get accustomed to this new way of living, but now that I am, I can't live without my daily five servings of fruits and vegetables, can't stand being as sedentary as I used to be, and find it utterly impossible to return to the way I used to eat. Even when I splurge (as per the holidays) I eat considerably smaller portions than before I began this program, and as a result I didn't feel my pants or blouses tightening on me. Now I have to have surgery to take off some of this excess skin, which will take a different kind of "diet" plan -- a financial diet. This may prove to be just as challenging as my weight loss program was, but in differing ways. (At least now that I'm on Lifetime, Weight Watchers is free for me so I won't have to cut that out of my financial diet.) But I have faith that if I could lose all the weight I've lost, I could do anything I put my mind to, including making fiscal sacrifices for as long as it takes to save up for "cosmetic" procedures that my insurance won't cover.
ReplyHey, John answered my question on his tumblr. Do I have the right to gloat about this?
ReplyI made a great resolution this year. I resolved to stop reading Cracked at work and make comments ever, ever ag...
ReplyOops
This is exactly why I never proclaim to quit smoking...
ReplyThis is why I was at least realistic with myself this year about quitting....My resolution is to have quit smoking cigarettes by this time NEXT YEAR (at least this way I can ease into it, instead of trying to quit, failing after a week, and then never doing anything about it ever again)
John all your articles are always full of wisdom that has obviously been a result of life experience. Best of all, they tend to state what should have been obvious to people if they'd stopped to think for 2 seconds. Enjoyed this a lot.
ReplyHis articles have helped me through some serious shit. My favorite cracked writer.
Happy New Year!!
ReplyI'm a 29 years old girl, sweet, friendly, honest and caring, but still single ...now i am seeking a lover who can give me a real love, So I jioned in the --casualloving' C óM-- with the name Elaine. It’s the best club for casual encounters or NSA relationship, safe and private. More than 160000 members enjoy this website with real photos and profiles..Well, you do not have to be lonely , you can meet the Mr. or Miss. Right there.
My New Year's Resolution: to sarcastically answer more spam emails.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies"Did you resolve to save $1,000 by June?"
FUUUUUUUCK. STOP. READING. MY. MIND. Jesus...why is my life so predictable?
"I'm going to eat healthier."
Trust me, it's not just you DX
Probably because "I'm going to eat healthier" is original as balls.
If you had a resolution like, I don't know, nibbling on a koala's ear every third day of the month, no one'll guess it, I assure you.
Gah, Rho! How do you know these things?!
"Now, to fill the void, I start meat fights with random people at the local butcher's shop. Yeah, some people might not call that a hobby, but I guarantee that they've never been pelted in the neck with a 10 oz. sirloin." this! and the blanket thief, both had me rolling. Thanks John.
ReplyThe blanket thief was my favorite part of this article! :)
95.5 FM KLOS just read this list on air on the Mark and Brian show.
ReplyYeah, I heard that too, and was able to report it in the forum thread where such things are reported.
I love John Cheese. That said, I wish he would go back to his comedic roots, instead of feeling it necessary to be Ann Landers every week. John has some outstanding advice but this would be better suited as a bi-weekly thing. For example, have a 100% comedic article one week then have a more serious advice column the next. I feel your comedic talents are going to waste, John.
ReplyAs usual, the negative commenters generally miss the point of this article.
ReplyMr. Cheese isn't saying not to make resolutions, or that those resolutions WILL fail. He's telling us that the reason they fail is because we don't make realistic resolutions.
Every resolution is begun with the best of intentions, and then reality gets in the way. We can't get to the gym except during the busiest times of day (if we can even afford it). We don't have time to cook the healthy meals we should eat. The spouse or the kids aren't real keen on spending every three-day weekend, summer vacation, or Christmas holiday piling into the car to go someplace (or the budget won't allow it). We cut out the wrong activity and end up bored, or resuming it (when we don't fill 'all that extra' time' with the other things we need to do).
Well the title of the article is kinda "5 Reasons Your New Years Resolution is Going to Fail"
I talked to my family and we all agree. Our New Year resolution: highjack the ISS because SPACE PIRATES!
ReplyJust to be specific, P90X is on average 60 minutes long. There's like one video that's 45 minutes. There's at least one or two that's an hour and a half longer, so anyone planning to take it up has to put away more than two hours on some days. Just a thing of note.
ReplyI never really understood why everyone was getting their panties in a bunch over P90X. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doing just about any workout whatsoever as frequently as P90X requires from you would put just about anybody in shape anyway, right? Is the appeal that the P90X program motivates you to exercise? Cause if that's all it has going for it, you could spare yourself $100+ dollars and just workout at the gym for the same amount of time and get in shape just the same.
@Musics: Ive always thought the same thing. Everyone thinks P90x is the bees knees, but for f**k sakes people, doing any exercise AT ALL, instead of just sitting on your lazy ass all day everyday, will get you in shape. I dont understand why people dont get that exercise = loosing weight.
New Years Resolution: Live for 365 more consecutive days.
ReplyGood luck!
Best of luck not failing at that one! :)
I have two resolutions. The first one is to go to more concerts. Easy; save some money, pick some good concerts, request days off. My other one, unfortunately, is to be Vegan for six months. It's not for the animals or anything (sorry PETA and ALF) but it's more for the test of my willpower, just to teach myself to say "no, I can't eat that." I've also been working out for the past couple months, not as a resolution, but just because, you know, it's good. And I feel good. But I've been losing weight faster than a person should. I think I lost 8 pounds this week. I can't stop the Vegan thing because then I fail myself. I don't want to stop working out because it feels f*****g awesome. Should I eat more? I should probably eat more, shouldn't I? Help me out, fellow crackheads. You're all smart about things and stuff. Gimme some advice.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesYou'll have to figure out your daily calorie intake and then make sure your diet is within range. On a vegan diet you will definately have to eat more, lots of carbs for energy, but you need to make sure the diet is balanced. You're going to have a problem with iron and protein so you should take iron and multivitamin supplements as well as lots of protein shakes especially if you want to build muscle. Either see a nutritionist to be on the safe side or start researching it online. Good luck.
According to what I've heard, or rather read here, you never need to drink protein shakes if you have a good diet. I think beans and lenses are a good source of protein as well as eggs and maybe milk if you can't eat meat.
That is true Tigermachine but people wouldn't need supplements at all as long as they have a good diet. I mainly mentioned them for building muscle but since BadSmash said he is going vegan rather than vegetarian he won't be eating eggs or dairy and will have to rely almost soley on beans and pulses. Fake meat such as Quorn is an option although I find it rather expensive and it's still processed food which isn't too healthy. The biggest problem with a vegan diet is lack of B12 and iron which can cause anemia. Non-animal sources include dried fruit, spinach, grains and beans (tofu). And of course these will have to be eaten in greater amounts than you would red meat.
i used to lose 1 pounds a day. it's metabolism, caloric intake and your weight. if you're 150 lbs overweight [for instance] you'll lose weight faster than someone 30 lbs underweight. i lose weight like a m**********r the moment i fast [which i do often, for mental reasons].
-shrug-
depends who you are. tho vegetables have like... 2 calories, lol
@MadHatterX Thank you, I've already been taking multivitamin suppliments and protein drinks, for the whole working out part. I think eating more might be the only solution, I found myself exhausted the other day, and I assume that I'm just not taking in enough carbs. I also definitely need to figure my calorie intake, I haven't been keeping an eye on it. Thanks, both of you, for the advice.
Badsmash: Youre probably also tired from not eating enough iron and protein. Eat lots of leafy green veggies (iron and B12) and tons of tofu, soy, and legumes (protein). And if you are working out and loosing that much weight, then you dont really need to worry about how many calories youre eating- eat the f**k out of everything you can! You wont get too many calories (and you will burn them off anyways). Anemia is a common side-effect of being Vegan, and it makes you very tired, so just make sure to get plenty of iron (also taking iron with Vitamin C helps your body absorb it more efficiently) and it should help with the fatigue. Good luck in your Vegan adventure, its tough but at the same time, kinda worth it (and it does make you feel a little better in the long run)