But even taking those things into account, one of the stupidest things I've ever seen (and that never seems to go away) is the farce of Internet bragging. Whether on Usenet or forums or the Facebook wall of someone you're cyberstalking, it's not hard to find someone on the Internet boasting about their rad video game skills or the beauty of the women they lay all the time or how many Dilbert comics they've made. Once you start seeing these misguided boasts, you'll soon realize they're among the saddest written words on the Internet. Instead of a sign of how awesome the poster is, they are instead inevitably a marker of how clueless they are about how the Internet actually works. Please, I beg you, children and stupid adults: Do not brag on the Internet. Here's why:
5Because No One Will Believe You There's this thing about the Internet that you may have heard before, so if you think you know everything, feel free to skip this point. Because we're all behind computers, everyone on the Internet is highly anonymous; our online personae don't have to in any way be tied to our real world figures. An example: You might think of me as Chris Bucholz, your trusted Internet guide and all around gentleman, but how much do you really know about me? Did you know I'm actually a team of 53 Vietnamese sweatshop comedians and one thesaurus? I'm not, but dammit, now that you think about it, I probably could be. Because we're separated by keyboards and glowing wires and I guess RAM, you can't read my expression or touch my face to tell if I'm lying.
Also, about half the Internet are typing dogs.
"That's messed up. You're messed up, bucholz_42_sextank."
4Because You Probably Haven't Done Anything That Important Take a step back and look at the accomplishment you're thinking of boasting about. Is it related to video games in any way? Is it about all the muscles you have, and all the karate those muscles know? Is it something that nearly everyone in the world could also do, like grow huge breasts? Congratulations, you're not a huge deal. I don't want to deflate you too much, because maybe you're 12 and this recent achievement is kind of a big deal to you. It's these little successes that make life worth living, and there's no reason you shouldn't enjoy them and feel proud about them -- except for karate, which has, I think, kind of waned in value the last few years. But that doesn't mean these achievements are going to impress other people. In the grand scheme of things, your gaudy list of Xbox 360 achievements isn't that big a deal. It's not like you've created polio.
"Eat my shit, Salk."