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Do me a favor. Reach down between your legs, and grab a handful. Then use this guide to determine how you should read the following article.

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If you came up with two shuddering, army-filled GLOBES of untold testosteronic power ...

CONGRATULATIONS, you are a man. Your chromosomes read like a guy finding his friend dead at a rave, and you should consider this article A CLARION CALL to sweaty, muscular, barbed-wire-tatted ARMS. Welcome to the resistance, brother.

If you came up with NOTHING because all you've got down there is a pathetic inside-out handbag of an excuse for reproductive organs ...

SORRY, you are a woman. Your chromosomes read like the eyes of a cartoon corpse, and you should ABSOLUTELY take the information below as a WARNING: I AM ON TO YOU. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE UP TO. And soon, so will the world.

The trends are clear. The rise of the New Girl Order must be stopped! The shestapo dismantled! Or in nine days, the Story of a Girl could be that she's got her stiletto on your man-ish, bulging windpipe.

Fellas ... this is what we're up against.

5
There Will Be More of Them

Kate's Playground

We're up against boobs. Lots of 'em. But not in the way that you'd think or would want, or that I should have started this paragraph with for the sake of confusion. It's just that I equate each woman with her physical parts, like all men, and there will likely be more women than men (or "pecs") in the future (legend has it women can actually BIRTH whole, tiny versions of themselves! Men, get on that).

Don't believe me? Let's ask Wikipedia's page on the human sex ratio, which features the below image.

CIA World Factbook

Look at it -- girly pink staining everything like so much spilled bubblegum nail polish. They've already got most of the cool countries, plus Australia and some other random crap thrown in! WHY will the future be a clambake, and not the present sausagefest? Simple math, really, which, by the way, we used to be better at, but it turns out we aren't really; male teachers are just being mean to the girls in their classes. Go get 'em, fellas!

Of course even the valiant repressive efforts of our nation's schoolteachers don't change the facts.

A) Males have a lower life expectancy than females, by about seven years. That's about how long it took Attila the Hun to conquer most of Europe.

B) Men are also more likely to die doing something awesome, like gang violence, a knife fight in a bar alley or a big fiery shootout with Mexican police. Or when Clint Eastwood pulls out his lighter in Gran Torino, and those guys light him up? Badass. Or when like a blimp or a horse explodes in a tunnel somehow, those are also cool ways to die that probably only happen to men (studies are still in progress on the exploding horse thing).

C) We take high-risk jobs more often, and get ourselves electrocuted or ground to death more often as a result. In fact, more than 90 percent of occupational fatalities are male. Go team wiener!

D) Women on low-calorie diets are more likely to give birth to girls than boys. As population worldwide continues to increase and food scarcity grows as a problem, we can expect plenty of moms in developing countries to convert into full-on girl factories.

Add it all up, pile on the disproportionate number of male war casualties worldwide, and you're left with the inescapable conclusion that most of the globe will soon be potpourri-scented and sensibly arranged.

How to Protect Your Manhood from This Vicious Onslaught:

We sort of are already, in the worst and most obvious fashion. The only reason those blue countries stay blue, in fact, is likely because of the vast number of gender-discriminatory girl-murders happening in them. China and India still do quite a bit of sex-selective aborting, and it's estimated that in a lot of developing countries (China again), a woman is being killed just for being a woman every couple of minutes.

So as soon as we get the assholes to cut THAT out, probably by sending a disproportionately male force over to teach them some manners and get killed, the global gender ratio will skew even further toward the female. The decline of girl-murder seems pretty inevitable, in fact, as some of those awful countries pull themselves out of the "developing" category and want to look nice and presentable for their international allies (instead of like infanticidal monsters).

Of course, Fisher's principle pretty cleanly explains why all animal populations, human included, tend to naturally settle at a 1:1 gender ratio. The thing is, ours starts out favoring men at birth, then declines with age, until by the time you're at retirement age, it's 0.78:1 in favor of ladies. And that's NOW, without all the stuff I just outlined coming into play.

Consolation Prize:

Before you chuckle, grab your junk, shake it, spit onto the floor of the oil rig on which you work and mutter "More chicks than dudes? I like those odds," please recall that we are AT WAR, SIR. Also, I'm talking mostly old ladies here, if you followed. An ocean of them. Those boobs I mentioned that we'd be up against? Granny boobs.

Oh, what's that? You're not afraid of some old ladies and their sagging bosoms? Remember who votes: OLD. LADIES. And don't forget to call that old lady "Ma'am" if you want to keep getting your oil-rigging paychecks, because ...

4
They're Going to Be Our Bosses

The glass ceiling is about to be dismantled and reassembled as a retractable skylight, presumably so your female boss' birdbath/herb garden can get better northern exposure. While it's true that even today, in America, there's a noticeable gender gap in earnings (again, go team wiener), I speak of tomorrows, and of pussywhippings yet to come.

I speak of sleeper cells, gentlemen. Barely legal ones. In our schools.

As of the 2010 U.S. Census, a young American woman is more likely to hold a college degree than her male counterpart, and more likely to start her own business. And we're not just talking about inventing a delicious cookie recipe for the boys at the firehouse or run-proof stockings. We're talking real jobs. MAN jobs, with metal and stuff.

Adjust your jock strap, because here are some more uncomfortable statistics: More than 70 percent of last year's high school valedictorians had periods, 83 percent of the money spent on consumer goods last year came out of a purse and 75 percent of jobs created in the E.U. since 2000 have gone to people who can't even pee their own names in a snowbank.

The same trends are playing out in a lot of developing countries, too, especially now that we know educating and empowering young women is possibly the most effective method of stemming overpopulation, while simultaneously lessening the infant mortality rate and turning the sky to rainbows and the rivers to chocolate and sunshine. That's right. Educating women may literally be our species' ONLY HOPE OF SURVIVAL.

Meanwhile, over in fully developed America, the economic recession has hit us males disproportionately hard, resulting in a higher unemployment rate among men than women for the first time since your dad took on a second shift at the coal mine so your mom could greet you every day after school with a fresh-baked pie.

Flash forward 10 years, and we can all expect CEO to stand for Chief Executive Ovary-haver. The girluminati strikes again.

How to Protect Your Manhood from This Vicious Onslaught:

Study harder is the obvious solution, but I don't go in for obvious solutions. Too predictable. Instead, I say we turn the tables on a centuries-old female prerogative and start SLEEPING OUR WAY TO THE TOP. Who's with me?

Failing that, there's always flattery. At least the ass you'll be kissing around the office will no longer be hairy!

Consolation Prize:

Whatever, keep all the money and jobs, females. Meanwhile we'll be over here, making all the big, earth-shattering scientific discoveries and artistic breakthroughs. Repeated studies have shown that when it comes to sheer IQ, males tend to exhibit a wider range than women. As in, more super-geniuses, and more astounding idiots suitable only for entertaining a global television and film audience.

So even if women are our bosses, at least the Einsteins and Newtons and Picassos and Moe Howards of the future will still double over in pain when kicked in the crotch.

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3
The Male Skillset Is Obsolete

Except those big, earth-shattering discoveries get harder and harder to make as time wears on, and the full scope of human knowledge on any given subject is increased. For example, it was easy enough to figure out gravity when everyone was so dumb that no one had thought of sandwiches yet, but now we have fried, microwaveable sandwich pockets. There's not a lot of room for advancement.

These days, major breakthroughs, at least in the realm of science (and food pockets), require many years of specialized knowledge and schooling in the fundamentals of your particular field. Which, if you'll recall, is what the women have over us ... many years of specialized knowledge and schooling (the nerds).

They're also better at multitasking, a key part of more and more of the most modern, lucrative and important jobs and societal roles. You know what men are great at? Any single thing. Since we're often more focused and goal-oriented, men are just stellar at hunting a lion, or climbing a mountain, or writing a column (trust me, I AM NAILING IT), or killing the guy who killed our brother, or putting a thousand little widgets on a car part better and faster than the lady next to us on the assembly line.

You know what computers and machines are good at? The same stuff. Simple, goal-oriented tasks. That means "male-friendly" jobs can more easily be replaced or eliminated than "female-friendly" jobs, like managing a team, providing holistic patient care or drafting a law. Sure, John Henry beat the railroad-tie-laying-robot, but then he DIED, asshole.

National Archives

Women are, generally speaking, peacemakers and multitaskers, with strengths in all of the areas they'll need to face the most important challenges the future is likely to hold. Challenges like the environment, globalization and providing preventive and ongoing health care and food for an expanding global population. You know, chick shit.

How to Protect Your Manhood from This Vicious Onslaught:

OK, I'm actually really getting worried here. This stuff is stacking up, and I think we might need to bring in the big guns. I'm not saying we should hit them, I'm just saying ... you know, scare 'em a little. After all, the one thing this cadre of madres can't take away from us is our physical superiority. And if scare tactics don't work, we can always make like they do and bring on the MIND GAMES.

Consolation Prize:

I mean, if women are going to be our bosses and presidents and lead us into a glorious age of peace and skin exfoliation, then the least we can do is whine about it. And in the future, as the new oppressed sex, we'll finally be able to!

As the new "wives" of society, we men will be free to stay home with the kids, gobble bonbons and snoop through their underwear drawers for evidence that they're banging their new secretary with the swimmer's body, all the while moaning that we want better jobs, higher wages and for women to stop ogling us like slabs of beef. It's really degrading.

2
They Have the Moral High Ground

Oh, but wait, then we'd look like huge pussies.

What with the continuing wage gap.

And the history of thousands of years of female oppression by men all over the world.

And the fact that if you actually try to put together a rallying cry against "reverse sexism," you come off sounding like this douchebag, complaining that Dove chocolate hearts say female-specific stuff on them. Ugh. And yes, I know the author of that column is a woman. Women can be douchebags, too. What are you, sexist?

The fact is, the women ruling the future could run a PR campaign explaining why it might be a good idea to switch up our leadership, gender-wise, and they wouldn't exactly be wrong. Men are statistically more likely to rape, murder and be serial killers. There's also never been a matriarchal society to my knowledge where the women in charge mutilated all of the dudes' genitals.

And, when you come down to it, that's the most insidious of all their wily schemes: If we want to imagine a hopeful future, with global population under control, freedom for the world's people and peace reigning supreme, it's kind of hard not to imagine women shaping such a future. And you just know they're going to be all smug about it.

Women are going to get what we men have never gotten: the chance to rule the world and not feel guilty about it. They're already writing articles to that effect, for God's sake! And to be clear, I mean a male God, with a big fuck-off beard, so there.

How to Protect Your Manhood from This Vicious Onslaught:

You know what?

I'm out, you guys. I thought we could stop it, but it's too big. Like a big female bear that you can't stop, because of its massive size. Maybe they'll let us dance for them? Or perhaps they will doom us to fight for their entertainment, scrabbling on the blood-caked ground of the battle pits to earn a few more precious days of life and a chance for a trip to the harem of President Oprah.

I hope it's the dance one. But either way, my best advice to you, men of the future, is this: tuck. Tape. Wig. As of NOW, it's every man for herself.

Consolation Prize:

What?! Why? Who needs consolation when you're being magnanimously ruled by such an intelligent and beautiful sex? Yes, I mean YOU, ladies. Please forget that stuff I said about your saggy boobs and hitting you; those were just jokes. Did you know I briefly wrote for a dating advice blog? I'm really sensitive and stuff. My wife can vouch for me.

Incidentally, if it comes up (and I'm not saying it will, just if), please let me keep my testicles. The right one, if possible. I feel like I've still got some really ace guys holed up in there.

Anyway, think about it. I'll be over here, listening attentively while I cut some radishes into rose shapes for the salad tonight.

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1
In Their Infinite Wisdom, They Find Funny Men Attractive

You know, while I was finding that link to my Guyspeak column, I happened to stumble upon this little gem, about how women find funny guys really attractive. Maybe you can give it a read while I finish zesting the lemons.

Neat, huh? Just a little tidbit. Women seem to love funny men, and another study showed that they like men with prideful, brooding expressions and a strong sense of shame. Well, sister, that's me all over! I'm a professional comedian who has plenty to be ashamed of. And can I brood? Don't even get me started on broods, or we'll be here all day.

The point is, this was intended to be an article about my abiding respect for women, the rise of a shining femmetopia that I fully and proudly support and the fact that I am statistically attractive and should therefore be spared the battle pits and get shipped straight to the harem or dance-cages. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar, including the other parts of this article.

Oh! I also grabbed a bottle of red wine at the certified-organic market today, if you want to lay back and get a foot rub while we watch Kitchen Nightmares. Whatever's good for you, babe.

My mom says I'm a great guy.

For more from Swaim, check out 7 Words You Can't Say On The Internet (Without Starting A Flame War). Or learn about the 6 Things Everyone Knows About Women (That Aren't True).

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