Oh, but wait, then we'd look like huge pussies.
What with the continuing wage gap.
And the history of thousands of years of female oppression by men all over the world.
And the fact that if you actually try to put together a rallying cry against "reverse sexism," you come off sounding like this douchebag, complaining that Dove chocolate hearts say female-specific stuff on them. Ugh. And yes, I know the author of that column is a woman. Women can be douchebags, too. What are you, sexist?
The fact is, the women ruling the future could run a PR campaign explaining why it might be a good idea to switch up our leadership, gender-wise, and they wouldn't exactly be wrong. Men are statistically more likely to rape, murder and be serial killers. There's also never been a matriarchal society to my knowledge where the women in charge mutilated all of the dudes' genitals.
And, when you come down to it, that's the most insidious of all their wily schemes: If we want to imagine a hopeful future, with global population under control, freedom for the world's people and peace reigning supreme, it's kind of hard not to imagine women shaping such a future. And you just know they're going to be all smug about it.
Women are going to get what we men have never gotten: the chance to rule the world and not feel guilty about it. They're already writing articles to that effect, for God's sake! And to be clear, I mean a male God, with a big fuck-off beard, so there.
How to Protect Your Manhood from This Vicious Onslaught:
You know what?
I'm out, you guys. I thought we could stop it, but it's too big. Like a big female bear that you can't stop, because of its massive size. Maybe they'll let us dance for them? Or perhaps they will doom us to fight for their entertainment, scrabbling on the blood-caked ground of the battle pits to earn a few more precious days of life and a chance for a trip to the harem of President Oprah.
I hope it's the dance one. But either way, my best advice to you, men of the future, is this: tuck. Tape. Wig. As of NOW, it's every man for herself.
What?! Why? Who needs consolation when you're being magnanimously ruled by such an intelligent and beautiful sex? Yes, I mean YOU, ladies. Please forget that stuff I said about your saggy boobs and hitting you; those were just jokes. Did you know I briefly wrote for a dating advice blog? I'm really sensitive and stuff. My wife can vouch for me.
Incidentally, if it comes up (and I'm not saying it will, just if), please let me keep my testicles. The right one, if possible. I feel like I've still got some really ace guys holed up in there.
Anyway, think about it. I'll be over here, listening attentively while I cut some radishes into rose shapes for the salad tonight.
You know, while I was finding that link to my Guyspeak column, I happened to stumble upon this little gem, about how women find funny guys really attractive. Maybe you can give it a read while I finish zesting the lemons.
Neat, huh? Just a little tidbit. Women seem to love funny men, and another study showed that they like men with prideful, brooding expressions and a strong sense of shame. Well, sister, that's me all over! I'm a professional comedian who has plenty to be ashamed of. And can I brood? Don't even get me started on broods, or we'll be here all day.
The point is, this was intended to be an article about my abiding respect for women, the rise of a shining femmetopia that I fully and proudly support and the fact that I am statistically attractive and should therefore be spared the battle pits and get shipped straight to the harem or dance-cages. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar, including the other parts of this article.
Oh! I also grabbed a bottle of red wine at the certified-organic market today, if you want to lay back and get a foot rub while we watch Kitchen Nightmares. Whatever's good for you, babe.
My mom says I'm a great guy.
For more from Swaim, check out 7 Words You Can't Say On The Internet (Without Starting A Flame War). Or learn about the 6 Things Everyone Knows About Women (That Aren't True).