Cracked Columnists

5 Reasons Why Donald Trump Is the Biggest Troll Alive

#2. Criticizing the Scottish and Scotch in Scotland

A regular idiot marches into a bar and insults the locals. A Trump-size idiot tries it with a distillery and an entire country. It's especially weird that he could hate Scotland when he looks like someone genetically engineered a haggis to scream like a bagpipe.

David Becker/Getty Images
But less popular than either.

Trump decided to destroy the home of Michael and Sheila Forbes. He didn't need it to build his golf course, but he didn't even want to see it from his golf course, because Allistair Tenpenny has escaped Fallout 3 to be a dick in our world. This is the golf course that had been refused planning permission by a local elected subcommittee, aka "the local people who actually live there and care about the future of the area," but granted it by the Scottish government, aka "those things in suits that live somewhere else and have a term of four years."

Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
"Yes, these votes seem to be in non-sequential order."

This is the golf course that cost $150 million to build, which didn't stop Trump from repeatedly claiming that it was a billion, because maybe just one more factor of 10 will finally make it feel big. Andy Wightman presents documents showing that Trump International tried to use government-backed compulsory purchase orders to seize the property, because taking homes for profit has apparently been a Trump technique for over 20 years. This means claiming that the golf course was a matter of Scottish national interest. Was he going to train them to take down incoming drones with golf balls?

Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Looks like a Grumman RQ-180. Hand me the 9-iron."

The Forbeses defeated Trump's entire worldview by not being interested in the money and being liked by their community. We've already seen how Trump fenced a couple into their own home and sent them the bill, truly thinking this made him look smart and powerful and not like the Baron Harkonnen waddling out of his harness to crap on their carpet.

Universal Pictures
But the baron has better hair.

Luckily farmers with rocks standing up to rich foreign invaders who speak English is Scotland's entire history. Trump spent millions of dollars fighting a part-time fisherman and quarry worker and lost. He lost so badly that he started lying about ever trying. He lost so badly that he rephrased the battle as the evil Michael Forbes failing to prevent the construction of the golf course. If he'd backpedaled any harder, he would have reversed the Earth's rotation. You could only have a more perfect publicity disaster if the Death Star's last tweet had been something racist about X-wings.

Michael Forbes was voted 2012's Top Scot in Glenfiddich's online poll, because of course he was. This is when Trump trolled the entire country. He publicly insulted both the Scottish and the scotch, in Scotland, and genuinely thought that was a good idea. He called the popular vote "a terrible embarrassment to Scotland," and also said, "I make a pledge that no Trump property will ever do business with Glenfiddich or William Grant and Sons." So there you have it, straight from the horse's ass: Trump hotels are definitely worse than their competitors. And Michael and Sheila Forbes now hang in the Scottish National Gallery.

Alicia Bruce, via National Galleries Scotland
Still prepared to pop windbags.

#1. Paying to Bay for the Blood of the Innocent

In 1989, five black and Latino 14- to 16-year-olds were convicted of a crime they didn't commit. Please continue thinking of the A-Team. It's way better than what really happened. With five children in custody, and everyone, including the police, busily forgetting about "innocent until proven guilty," Donald Trump spent $85,000 to invent and become YouTube comments 20 years early.

via NY1.com
Full text of ad.

That appeared in the New York Times, the New York Post, the Daily News, and New York Newsday. Trump paid $85,000 to publicly scream for the death of people he'd never met in relation to a matter he had no knowledge of. The crime had no link to Trump or his properties; he just felt like spending 160,000 modern dollars to publicly bay for the blood of children. Even if they had been guilty, that's insane. It would have been better for the world if he'd spent a day masturbating into wads of thousand-dollar bills. But he'd never do that because they don't bear his name, unlike this public demand for executions.

And it gets worse.

Trump defended himself by saying that he couldn't understand how police could get a false confession. He incarnates privilege. Law enforcement is the only reason he can demolish houses while there are homeless, the only reason we can have starving people and him on the same continent for longer than it takes to chew, and he doesn't even acknowledge that he's treated differently.

And it gets worse.

The Central Park Five weren't just innocent; they were super-innocent. The conviction was shattered by the real rapist's later confession and unimpeachable DNA evidence of his guilt. I want this on record: A convicted serial rapist and murderer did more to help these men than Donald Trump.

David Becker/Getty Images
Then again, most people do more than this living abscess.

That's still true. When the five were released from years of prison with every chance of a normal life stolen, did Trump offer them recompense for publicly calling for their deaths? He spent $85,000 demanding the death penalty. Did he offer a single cent for scholarships, compensation, employment, a word of regret, anything to help rebuild their ruined lives?

No.

via Wonkette

Over a decade after their innocence was proven at the cellular level, Trump implies that they must have been guilty of something. In his mind, non-white teenagers need an alibi to exist. Why would they be in the park? People don't have their shoes shined there! This is the point where even Trump felt like he'd gone too far and deleted the tweet. So you can stop tempting humanity, Satan, we've found our lowest point on our own. The toxic birther bullshit was nothing on this. That was only screaming for public proof of the birth of someone just because he wasn't white.

This should be mentioned every time he opens his mouth. This should be part of his biographical information. Entertainment listings should read "Tonight on Celebrity Apprentice: Donald Trump, 67, who once spent more than twice the average American salary to froth for the death of innocents and has never apologized, will continue with his bullshit fantasy of wisely advising people paid to pretend to listen."

Trump can't be real. He's an agent provocateur sent by aliens to make us riot against capitalism. But they've given up on us, and now he's controlled by an alien bitter about wasting its life on our idiotic species, doing the worst things it can think of just to see if we'll let him.


Luke has a website, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.

Restore faith in your species with The Manliest Names in Use Right Now and The Video Game Guide to Grammar.

Learn even more about Trump with 10 Stories About How Terrible Trump Is or Trump's 4 Most Hilarious Attempts at a Good Idea, and Dan O' Brien defends his precious presidency against Donald Trump's Pretend Run at President.

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