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5 Reasons Why Donald Trump Is the Biggest Troll Alive

Donald Trump has wiped his ass with money for so long, he thinks shittiness is synonymous with success. He wasn't born, he was laid into a solid gold eggshell to protect him from ever learning. And he never left. This would be fine if he wasn't such a colossal jerk. I've spent longer staring into the face of this Scrooge McFuck than anyone other than himself, and while millionaires laughing at everyone who has ever suffered is par for the elephant-hunting course, Trump does it because he likes the attention.

Cindy Ord/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
They replaced the Voight-Kampff test with "Do you want to punch this grin?"

An Internet troll is someone connected to the greatest informational resource ever made who can think of nothing better to do than shit in it. But Trump is so much worse. He has enough money to live out any fantasy, and he spends it with the same motivations as a teenager webcamming dead baby jokes. He could build the dreams of random strangers, then have them destroyed without ever even looking, but that's his idea of work instead of play. These stories are way worse than the last time we looked at him. If George Lucas reremastered Star Wars entirely out of cock shots, it would be less blatant and expensive dickery.

#5. Trying to Bulldoze a Widow's Home for a Casino Limo Parking Lot

The goal of a troll isn't a Dr. Seuss book about monsters that excrete electronically, it's to make things worse for other people just to get a reaction. And Satan himself should have marched into Trump Tower demanding to tear up their contract when Donald double-dicked the concept of decency in 1993.

Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images
"Oh man, let me tell you about my last boss. He was such a jerk."

Trump didn't just want to bulldoze an elderly widow's home of 35 years for a casino limousine parking lot. Michelle Malkin reports that he had Atlantic City authorities try to condemn the widow's house so that he could take it for less than market value. It's just as well that his evil waiting area failed, because that's the sort of shit where even Mammon is embarrassed to be seen visiting you. Even the bad guys from Up were building an actual building, not a dark and heat-blasted shrine to everything wrong with capitalism.

Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Yeah, it's close to the casino, but every time we park here, the champagne turns to spider fluids."

Trump's governmental collaborators were the Casino Reinvestment Development Authority. That can't be a real organization. That's a G.I. Joe villain from an alternate '80s where cartoons fought gambling instead of drugs. The plot centered on "eminent domain," the government's power to seize private property for public use, because we've all faced the problem of where to park our limo while throwing away spare money.

Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images
That's why we do it at home.

That's such an evil plot from a children's movie that he wouldn't just lose if underprivileged kids pushed him off a bridge into the water; he'd melt like the Wicked Witch of the Wealth.

#4. Trump University Trolls the Idea of Education

"Trump University" is proof that you can't make words explode, no matter how violently you combine opposites. Donald Trump can lose money in a casino when he owns it. He doesn't learn from his mistakes, he bankrupts or sues them, and the only thing he can teach people is that they shouldn't have given him their money, a lesson his educational dialysis facility taught well.

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"Please study Figure 1. That's your fees."

It called itself "Trump University" despite a total lack of accreditation. A strip club could claim they were teaching anatomy with exactly the same legitimacy. It was legally forced to change its name by the New York State Department of Education, which stated, "Use of the word 'university' by your corporation is misleading and violates New York Education Law." Even in New York, a city of shining spires to every kind of financial bullshit imaginable, it is illegal for Trump to claim that he can teach you anything.

Medioimages/Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images
"In the left tower, we harvest the interest differentials on futures of homes that haven't been built underwater
yet. In the right, we plan new reality shows."

If you thought it was about paying tens of thousands of dollars for nothing but a guaranteed "Certificate of Completion" and a photo with Trump, you're still aiming too high. Apparently the photo was with a cardboard cutout of Trump. Disneyland puts more effort into Mickey Mouse, although the rodent is more respected as a public character. And financial expert. In academic terms, a "Certificate of Completion" is the evil opposite of a "Participation Trophy": proof that you wasted your time doing something you really shouldn't have. Because "Certificate of Completion" means "the check cleared and we didn't test anything else."

David Woolley/Digital Vision/Getty
"First Place in Having Less Money Than I Used To!"

You'd get the exact same level of education in his casinos. You'd get a better education by cashing your money into dollar bills and reading the serial numbers, because at least then you'd still have the money.

Burke/Triolo Productions/Stockbyte/Getty Images
And have been kept from doing anything stupid for a few hours.

The New York attorney general has filed suit against the institute for $40 million, citing illegal business practices and numerous false promises. It's true that anyone paying thousands of dollars to learn from public speakers hired by (someone hired by) the star of Celebrity Apprentice urgently needs their money confiscated, but giving it to Trump is a Katamari of capitalist disaster.

#3. Blaming Military Victims of Sexual Assault

When the Pentagon announced that the military had reached 26,000 unreported sexual assaults per year and climbing, Trump opened his mouth. (Incidentally, in the U.K., "trump" is slang for farting, the expelling of poisonous toxins through an orifice that makes everything worse for everyone exposed to the results.)

Tweet

Donald Trump reduces rape culture to a rhetorical question. He thinks sexual assault is automatic when you mix men and women. That's victim blaming and culprit acquittal combined, treating sexual assault as an unavoidable chemical reaction, like mixing Coke and misogynist Mentos. Those poor rapists can't help themselves! This pustule of privilege thinks women should take sexual assault as part of their duty for being born female.

What did they expect? They expected women to be treated like human beings, you unconscionable Hutt. They expected women to join a fellowship of soldiers defending their country, or to provide for their families while you shat right through the economy, or at the very least they expected human beings to have as many rights as a goddamn dog in a public dog park where bystanders intervene to prevent unwanted sexual advances and the word "bitch" isn't used to diminish their testimony, diminish it so brutally that even in an organization based only on rules, they feel they can't report it or hope for justice. Because female victims should have expected it, and male victims don't even exist -- that's what Donald implies. It's a lot to compress into one statement, but his vast stupidity functions only to compress everything awful about Western culture into a nugget of terrible.

"What did they expect?" is how you say "You should have known better" to 26,000 victims at once. And they're all in the armed forces! This tweet should have inaugurated a new combined force of women and men in an Anti-Sexual Assault Corps, two divisions of angry, six regiments of fully armed and trained soldiers descending upon every single asshole who blames them for being sexually assaulted. And to blame the shredded remains for being attacked in turn.

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Luke McKinney

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