#2. We Were Just Trying to Show You How Much We Love You!
Seriously, how fucking ungrateful can you be? Imitation is the highest form of flattery, right? Well, duplication is the highest form of imitation. So our outright, blatant theft of your cover is the biggest compliment you could possibly get.
Why do you think we left in the line "Johnny C's in trouble" when we don't have a "Johnny C" character on the show, and Sir Mix-A-Lot's version used his own name? We did that because we love you, Jonathan Coulton, and not because we're so unbelievably fucking lazy and dense that we didn't realize that it was an addition that was added by you in your original cover. Again, just for a refresher, the cover that we, Glee on Fox, stole from you without question.
And we most certainly didn't do it because we knew that if we leaked that theft, the Internet would lose its mind and tune in to see if we actually had the balls to air it, thereby boosting our ratings by 35 percent.
Via Gaude Paez Morose's Twitter
That's Fox's "vice president of corp comms" and "raging coffee addict lol."
No, we did it because we respect you as an artist, and we love your work. And we wanted to pay homage by showing you what it sounds like when someone else replaces your vocals. We wanted to show you how much money you could make by selling that song on iTunes if you just put your mind and the power of a large, untouchable conglomerate to it. We are just looking out for your best interests, and quite frankly, you're kind of being a little bitch about it.
But you can rectify that at any time by contacting our comments and complaints department at email@example.com and coming clean. Don't live with the guilt of being wrong, buddy. We are forgiving -- all you have to do is ask for it.
"Put them on the table and walk away, you groveling twat."
#1. When You Think About It, It Really Was Your Fault
Hey, if you didn't want your song stolen, you should never have written such a stealable song. Seriously, listen to it -- it's beautifully constructed. Everything about it just screams "Steal me and profit from it!" Would you rather it had been taken by some knockoff show like Acting Out? Or would you rather have it stolen by a show that can get you this level of buzz simply by fucking you over in such an obvious manner, completely devoid of ethics or class?
To us, the choice is obvious. If we were in your shoes, we'd rather have our own work stolen by us so we could give it the most exposure. No, we didn't come to you and request to do the song, but you knew it was inevitable that we'd use it, right? If anything, you should have come to us. It's your own fault for sitting around and just waiting for things to happen. That's not how successful people operate, Jonathan.
This is probably you. Lazy asshole.
You don't sit around your house, smoking the reefer cigarettes and playing video games, waiting for someone to discover you. You get up off your ass and you seek out your fame. That's what we expected to happen, because we thought you were the type of guy who had initiative and drive. So when you never showed up at our offices to ask us if we could use your song, we just assumed (probably correctly) that you were slacking. You do have a beard, after all.
So as far as we're concerned, you owe us an apology. For our pain and suffering, as well as the tidal wave of angry feedback we've gotten at firstname.lastname@example.org from your fans. We demand that you take down your cover of our cover of your cover on iTunes and forward us all of the money that you're giving to charity from those proceeds.
And while you're at it, get a money bag or something. It looks like Stripper Mountain in here.
But please don't let any of this discourage you. We definitely want to encourage you and all independent artists to continue writing more covers, because ... well, let's face it, our show isn't so much a "show" as it is an iTunes factory with a half-assed, slapped-together script to justify it being on TV. Take away the constant stream of hit singles and they'd cancel us in a heartbeat. The faster you independent artists give us prepackaged arrangements, the faster we can get that fucker up in online MP3 stores and show our executives what a great job we're doing.
We eagerly await your apology at email@example.com.