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5 Reasons 'The Hunger Games' Is Creepier Than You Think

#2. It Costs Too Much

The costs of arena maintenance are of course substantial, and well documented elsewhere. But in this case, they're dwarfed by another, less obvious cost: the cost of the children themselves.

In the past, poets have attempted to assign a value to children based on hard-to-quantify notions like the warmth of their hugs, or the twinkle in their eyes, or the pure expression of delight on their faces when they see their first snowflakes. But later analysis has since shown that those qualities aren't actually worth anything.

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"Nope. Says here anyone can enjoy a snowflake. Except for scientists ..."

Now, economists are more likely to state that the value of a child is simply a discounted sum of that child's future economic output. And since children are, by convention, quite young, this implies that their future economic output is potentially quite high. By getting these children to kill themselves so wastefully, we're depriving our factories and Walmart entrances of the labor they'll need to compete in the 21st century.

#1. It Wastes Valuable Child Meat

The meat from children is incredibly illegal to actually possess or even really to type about, so everyone just be cool, OK? But that said, there are people, on the Internet certainly, and I'm also going to guess in mountainside European castles, who are very interested in both child meat and not wasting child meat.

Why these people place so much value on child meat isn't known -- all interview requests were angrily rejected. Were I willing to speculate -- and it turns out that I am -- I would suggest that tenderness is a particularly prized feature. They may also be very health-conscious, and perhaps interested in the lower levels of bioaccumlative toxins like lead or PCBs that would be found in child-flesh. Or they're simply so jaded and overly wealthy that they can't enjoy anything that doesn't involve destroying someone else.

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Donald Trump has fired his wife mid-coitus no less than 800 times.

For these people, nothing could be worse than arena-based child-centric melees. Because given the dangers of arenas and the general clumsiness of children, it's all but a guarantee that any child-meat produced by their combination will be, if not completely ruined, then certainly in need of heavy saucing.

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Interestingly, Donald Trump has also fired his saucier no less than 800 times, at least one of those times mid-coitus.

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For more from Bucholz, check out The Best (Worst) Fantasy & Science Fiction Book Covers and So a Satellite Just Hit Your House.

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