By now, we've all heard that the X-Files is coming back for a bunch of new episodes. And while everyone is intrigued to see whether David Duchovny will look as sexy without his floppy '90s hair and high-waisted business suits, not everyone is excited about the reboot itself. We've already told you the specific reasons this show probably won't work anymore, but there are even deeper issues at play here, namely that the show belongs in a completely different era. And not just because smoking is no longer allowed in federal buildings, so these days the Cigarette Smoking Man would at best be able to get away with vaping.
He is known by the ominous scent of his homemade raspberry-cinnamon e-juice.
See, while the X-Files is great for '90s-era nostalgia, it and shows like it just plain don't work when you set them in the present day. It was a show born within a completely different societal era. You only need to hop on Netflix and watch a few old episodes, perhaps while sipping Crystal Pepsi and sucking on a Push Pop, to see that...
5The Sexual Tension Is Just Weird
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When I first saw an episode of the X-Files, I was far too young to truly appreciate the famed sexual tension between its two leads. To me, it was all just filler between the scary monsters and the exciting shots of adults who could make their own phone calls without having to boot their older siblings off the Internet first.
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The '90s were a dark time.
So when I rewatched Season 1 on Netflix recently, I looked forward to a new, adult appreciation of the long-praised, nuanced relationship between Mulder and Scully. And, well, I ended up as disappointed as Eugene Tooms in a hepatitis ward. The relationship, which the world remembers as steamy enough to get mainstream audiences interested in a show featuring extraterrestrial Amish sex-killers, mostly just comes off as awkward. Mulder knocks on Scully's motel door late at night to invite her out running, calls her in the middle of the night for personal reasons, constantly gets in her personal space, and actually reaches out and grabs a necklace that's resting between her boobs because she's trying to turn away and he's not done talking.
OK, so from the viewpoint of the X-Files' creators, this is understandable: They had to show a distractible television audience that their leads were into each other, even though they're not hooking up just yet. From within the context of the show's universe, though, Mulder comes off like a guy who wouldn't be able to investigate a single alien before he was brought in by Assistant Director Skinner to discuss a dozen different sexual-harassment lawsuits.
So why is this behavior so much more obvious now? I think partially because TV shows have gotten so much better at the "sexual tension" thing. Before 1993, shows with male-female leads who weren't doing it were relatively rare. Then the X-Files format took off, and now you can't flip on the TV without seeing a whole lineup of Sexy Opposite-Sex Partners Who Fight Crime But Who Aren't Partners In That Way, Just So You Know. Shows like Bones and Castle are traveling through familiar territory and know how to build slow-burn sex-tension naturally. After a decade or two of that, it's no wonder Mulder now seems like the type of co-worker you would cross FBI headquarters to avoid talking to.
But that's just the start. There's also the fact that ...
4The Attitudes Toward The Military Are From A Different Era
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It wouldn't be an X-Files season without at least one episode about a military conspiracy. Usually, these involve at least one fighter pilot who sees an alien and goes insane, catches an alien virus and goes insane, has sex with an alien and goes insane, has sex with an alien virus and goes insane, or gives a virus to an alien fighter pilot, who then goes insane.
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It's even worse for them because Xenu doesn't approve of anti-psychotics.
Inevitably, this fighter pilot is killed off by his superiors, and Mulder and Scully's attempts to find the truth are cockblocked by hard-faced officials. The overall message was clear: The military is a dark ocean of mistrust and lies. So how would that work out for a reboot in 2015?
As I've pointed out before, Americans now trust the military more than they do religious leaders, doctors, or teachers. Whether you think that's fair or a result of media brainwashing, the fact remains that repeatedly involving the military in a dark television conspiracy today would be about as popular with audiences as aliens disguised as and played by cute kittens that needed to be slaughtered at the end of every episode.
Another issue is believability. The X-Files first aired in 1993, right around the time when military bases were being closed by the dozen across America. Back then, the average American simply didn't interact very much with active-duty servicepeople. Today, it's much more likely that the average person knows enough military members to realize that they are mostly pretty normal humans with jobs, not brainwashed kill-robots who would shoot their own co-workers if ordered to. Even the fighter pilots.
"But surely there are plenty of other conspiracy theories around!" you protest. Well, there are. The problem is that ...