#2. The Public Dongs
That's right. Dongs. In public. Just, like, out and flopping around. Do you know how many times, prior to living in San Francisco, I had seen a man walking around completely naked in public? Zero. Do you know how many times I saw that happen when I lived in San Francisco? At least four, that I can remember. I lived there for three months. That's more than one public dong per month, on average. I don't know what the national statistics are like, but that's gotta be way above the usual per capita for that kind of thing.
Now, you're probably wondering what it is about seeing dongs in public that I will miss. Do I just like dicks? No, you're thinking of someone else.
More like GLAAD-Stone, am I right?
Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. Liking dicks, I mean. There are plenty of things wrong with Marion Gladstone, and that picture is at least ten of them. But it's certainly not his sexuality that I hold against him (or my body, no matter how many times he asks). What I personally enjoy about a public dong is the massive amount of attention that it draws. Say, for example, you're walking down the street, eating a slice of pizza, when a giant dollop of sauce falls on your shirt. Oh no! You've got a huge stain on your shirt! Whatever will you do?
In San Francisco, the answer is simple. Just look around until you spot this ...
... and then walk 15-20 feet to the left or right of it for the remainder of your trip. Don't doubt for one second that, if you're in San Francisco, someone in your general vicinity is stark naked. Just find them and stand nearby. Nobody will even know you're alive. A dong in public is like an invisibility cloak for anyone in the area who happens to be wearing pants, and it's a power you're able to access more regularly and effectively in San Francisco than anywhere else.
I'm fairly certain that all of this penis talk has Gladstone thinking about one thing right now, and that's eating. So, let's talk about food.
#1. The Access to Horrifying Food
Everybody knows that the food in San Francisco is incredible. Or maybe you don't, but you kind of do now, because I just told you. The food in San Francisco is incredible. There are restaurants everywhere, in every price range, and most of them are wonderful. But it's not the good food that I'll miss in San Francisco. What I'll really miss is the awful food. Can I give you an example? Surely I can, have a look at this.
This is what killed Luther Vandross.
That's one of those "burgers on a glazed doughnut" nightmares that I've read so much about. But prior to moving to San Francisco, the only place I'd ever heard of them existing were at minor league baseball stadiums and such. I found this one at a restaurant in San Francisco called Straw. It was a five-minute walk from my apartment. How does it taste? Terrible. Just so bad, you guys. When you bite into it, you're expecting that, somehow, all of these disparate flavors are going to come together to make something tasty. Like how stuffing and cranberries somehow taste delicious together or how KFC uses flour and stray pets shipped in from Third World countries to make delicious fried chicken. That doesn't happen, though. It's just beef, doughnut, cheese and bacon fighting for attention in your mouth. Eat a bacon cheeseburger, but first, drown it in syrup. That's what a doughnut burger tastes like.
But you know what? At least I can say I've tried it. If I didn't live in San Francisco for three months, I'm not sure I ever would have had the courage or ability to eat a doughnut burger. They don't just sell those things everywhere. But they sell everything in San Francisco. If you see Anthony Bourdain eating pork ankle tacos at a filthy food cart in Bolivia, there's a pretty good chance that disgusting food cart is actually a franchise with several locations in the Mission District of San Francisco. You don't have to wonder what pork belly doughnuts taste like, because you can just walk to a restaurant that sells them (delicious, by the way).
Enjoy them with an extra large douche!
See, good food is everywhere. To find the stuff that people claim is good but actually tastes like pickled death, you're usually going to have to do some searching and, likely, a lot of traveling. Not if you live in San Francisco, though. Be it doughnuts made from pigs or a bunch of those naked men that Marion Gladstone likes so much, you can definitely find it in San Francisco.
Check out more from Adam in 4 Bootleg Items Purchased on the Streets of NYC: A Review and 6 Absurd Situations That Only Happen In Food Commercials.