I swear, it wasn't my intent, San Francisco. When I mentioned all those months ago that flopping dicks had become a bit of an epidemic in the area, I certainly didn't expect anyone to do anything about it. After all, it's not really the kind of thing you can justify blocking a bus route over, which doesn't leave the city a lot of other options when it comes to protesting.
Nevertheless, a few short months after that first column ran, San Francisco outlawed public nudity, a turn of events on par with Flavor Flav outlawing gigantic clocks on his chest.
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Of course he wore that to a court date.
It's not San Francisco if there aren't people strolling around naked, you know?
Before you go asking why I complained about it if I'm so in favor of it now, I'd ask you to go read that last article again. I wasn't against public nudity at all. I was all for it, if for no other reason than because it provides excellent camouflage when you're out in public. No one notices a damn thing you're doing once the naked guy shows up, and in San Francisco, the naked guy always shows up.
Source: My own camera, unfortunately.
Must you ruin everything in San Francisco, Google?
Or at least he used to. Being naked in public is against the law now. Of course, smoking marijuana without a recommendation from a "doctor" is still technically against the law in San Francisco too. So I'm obviously not saying the naked people have disappeared completely, I'm just saying it's now against the law. I'm also saying that happened as a direct result of the column I wrote in 2012, because how are you going to prove I'm wrong?
Oh, and speaking of things you'd never expect to be frowned upon in San Francisco ...
Really, San Francisco? Of all the unpleasant scents wafting through your salty air, bacon is the one that finally pushed people to their limit? San Francisco smells like its residents invented piss, but somehow the aroma of bacon is too much to take? I'm on the Internet trying to defend your status as a cool place to be, and you're going to put a goddamn bacon ban in my way?
Yes, the rest of the world reading this, last spring health department officials shut down a restaurant called Bacon Bacon. Why was it shut down? Because of the smell. The people of San Francisco complained about the smell. Of bacon. In San Francisco.
If it feels like I just repeated the same sentence over and over for the past two paragraphs, that's because I did. It's what people do when they're in shock. I was also rocking back and forth while typing.
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Like this guy, who can't believe he's paying $2,795 a month to live in an alley.
All the usual signs of emotional trauma are present; you just can't tell because I'm writing about it instead of having a mental breakdown over the matter right before your eyes.
I'm being a little overdramatic here, of course. For one thing, the problem wasn't so much the smell of bacon as it was a faulty ventilation system. As it turns out, the smell of bacon can turn terrible pretty quick when it mixes with oxygen. You'd think the oppressive scent of hobo musk would have devoured all of the available oxygen in San Francisco's atmosphere, but that's simply not the case.
Beyond that, the ban has since been lifted, clearing the way for the restaurant to reopen. I actually bring this up to back up a point I made in the last column. My final entry the first time around was about the food in San Francisco. My general premise was that, on top of having all of the great food you could possibly ever need, being in San Francisco also grants you access to all of the terrible food the world has to offer.
Which mostly means doughnut burgers. I really can't stress that enough.
You don't have to travel to remote parts of the world to enjoy the bizarre shit Anthony Bourdain eats on the Travel Channel. You can find it all right there in the city.
Some people took that to mean I was saying the food in San Francisco is terrible. Those people can't read. I was just saying that the city lacks absolutely nothing when it comes to food. If you needed me to prove it, I think the Bacon Bacon story does that perfectly.
Do you realize how many people would give up everything they have to live near a restaurant that does nothing but cook bacon all day? I know people who would throw their loved ones from a moving car for a table at that place. Meanwhile, a bacon store opened in San Francisco and everyone was like "Hey, we can't smell the piss anymore! Shut it down!"
That's because they don't need your fancy bacon stores.
Someday, I will visit them all.
They probably had five or six of them already.
Adam would like to thank @StandupNYLabs and @TheStandNYC for helping him make his recent trip to New York borderline productive. He would also like to remind you that he hosts a podcast you should download and a live comedy show you should go to sometime. You can also follow him on Facebook and Twitter, if that's your speed.