I'm no scandalmonger. My years of debunking B.S. stories in the news can attest to that. It's this exemplary reputation I stand behind as assurance that when I say The Muppets caused the Sept. 11 attacks on the United States, I mean exactly that.
Evil lurks behind those cold, painted-on eyes.
Buckle in, everyone. It's about to get real.
59/11 Wouldn't Have Happened If Kermit The Frog Didn't Exist
In the 2002 film It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, Kermit The Frog is visited by an angel played by David Arquette who shows Kermit what the world would be like if he never existed. Naturally, The Muppet Theater has been turned into a raver nightclub where Sam Eagle and Scooter are rolling crazier than a Snuffleupagus corpse down a hill, and Miss Piggy has crossed the dark barrier into full-blown cat lady and hotline psychic. In one scene, The Frog drinks in this bizarro world as he wanders about his swine lover's New York apartment, briefly walking past an open window ...
So it begins.
... and revealing that the World Trade Center is still standing ... in 2002.
A quick Google search confirms that I wasn't losing my mind -- as others have also noted that the omission of Ground Zero from this alternate reality seems to imply that Kermit The Frog's existence either directly or indirectly caused the 9/11 attacks in 2001, which incidentally was also the year The Muppets Take Manhattan came out on DVD. And, if you recall, this isn't the first time they've coincidentally loomed over this national tragedy ...
The Parenting Group
If only we had just given him the damn cookies.
So what does this all mean? Could it be a simple goof in the making of this festive Christmas classic, or were The Muppets trying to reveal something far more sinister? A large part of me needed to lay this question to rest, and so I began my descent down the rabbit hole ...
I'm Feeling Truthery ...
4Bert Was A Prominent Pro-Osama Bin Laden Symbol
I'd like to establish something right away: It's not entirely clear to me what the connection between The Muppets and Sesame Street is. At first glance, one would assume that the former is simply a more mature version of the latter -- but any moderate fan knows that the only characters intersecting the two are Kermit and Grover. One could theorize that, since The Muppets are established as long-time performers, Sesame Street is a separate fictional show in which Kermit is employed. It's the Seinfeld to The Muppets' Curb Your Enthusiasm. This would explain why Muppet Babies was animated, as CBS probably couldn't afford the strict labor laws of working with recently hatched creatures.
Fun fact: It takes 24 hours for a newly laid Muppet egg to incubate and burst from its host.
And so if characters like Elmo, Big Bird, and Ernie are mere actors -- then we actually know very little about them and how closely their appearances mirror the actual lives they live.
Also filed under "Things we know very little about": why Bert was prominently displayed at a pro-Osama Bin Laden rally:
"Death to rubber duckies!"
Bert is clearly standing behind America's most notorious enemy like a whispering shoulder devil. The official story is that this was a printing error on the protesters' behalf, only this sure seems like one too many coincidences to walk away from ... especially when your current white rabbit is a single man living in a shady New York apartment with no last name and an obsession with pigeons ... which happen to be a common Bin Laden household pet.
I also have it on good authority that Bert was experimenting
with ornithological warfare as recently as 2011.
Additionally, Bert and Ernie appear to repel each other half the time, and yet they live quietly as roommates. And while some have theorized that they are lovers, those rumors have been officially denied. So could it be that this duo's grudging hideaway exists secretly for other, nefarious reasons?
Then it hit me ...
Celebrities. Lots of celebrities.
Everyone has been on Sesame Street, and because of this, Muppets are allowed access to anywhere in the world.
Their siren song of vowels, consonants, numbers, and rudimentary hygiene advice even echoed through the halls of Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib. Yes, these mop-faced fuckers have more international sway and infiltration than the CIA does. Sesame Street has talons so deep in every corner of the world that all it has to do is tighten the grip.
Sufficiently frenzied, I mustered the unflinching go-getter-ness needed to enter the techno-modern corner office of Editor-In-Chief Jack O'Brien. It was blind luck that my haste interrupted his jogo do pau cooldown and not some important business call, saving me the punishment of his lotus staff.
"Talk to me," he said while tossing Portuguese weaponry to his life-assistant.
The words spilled from my mouth. "I know who really caused 9/11!"
He waved for his L.A. to leave before walking to his desk and removing a small, snub-nose revolver from the side drawer and casually sliding it toward my timid hands.
"Keep digging." He then began a game of Spider Solitaire, which is how Jack ends every conversation.
I was operating on dream-time, shakily burying the pistol into my reporter satchel as I stepped onto the Santa Monica sidewalk. The assignment was to keep digging, and so my first stop was the children's bookstore.