5 Reasons You're Going To Hate "Hancock"
When I told some of my Cracked cohorts that this week's HBN was going to be about Will Smith, I was met with much shock and alarm:
"I LOVE Will Smith," DOB proclaimed, while attempting to spray a six pack tan line onto his abdomen.
Mikey Swaim agreed. "Will Smith makes me forget I hate all Black people," he said.
Chris Buckholz had a slightly different take: "Dammit, Gladstone! Who the hell gave you my phone number?"
I'll be the first to admit that Will Smith is not particularly hateable. But HBN is a harsh mistress. Each day I try to fill this world with a little more love and compassion, but HBN is there, staring at me with it's bullwhip, full body leather, and 6 inch fetish heels, demanding that I spew venom online. And me ---tied up and fitted with gag ball--- just can't refuse. Actually, that doesn't work at all. "Harsh mistress" is not a very good metaphor.
HBN is more like a drunken, cocktail waitress offering quick gratification with a minimum of effort. Yeah, that's better. So sorry, Will. I didn't have to do it, but this interview of yours is the equivalent of Mandy at the Hi Lite bar writing her phone number on the back of the check. Watch it after the jump.
Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE and OVER HERE and HERE TOO.
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ReplySome how I got wrangled into seeing this movie, this past weekend. I am going to have to say that Gladstone was right on this one. The other people that saw it with me said they liked it, but I think it was they didn't want to admitt they spent the money to see it. It was visually kewl but something was missing....story?
ReplyAnyhoo, I will never doubt your hate.
I loved Greatest American Hero!!!
Replyhow can anyone say this movie is a clever idea?
Replyit's superman but drunk and black, i could only imagine the thought process there.
Great article Gladstone! Don't let judgemental jackasses ruin it for you.
"I bet the movie sucks and this interview didn’t make me think otherwise."
ReplyI bet it's not as bad as the last Superman movie!
Oh yeah, Gladstone if you're not doing anything with Mandy from the Hi Lite's phone number could I have it please?
Replyexplain to me what chunky love is...
Replygallons of it I'm sure....
Replyi stand by my unorthodox 3/4 approach. And yes, i gave that bartender so much chunky love.
Replythe delivery is good, face is slightly wooden, not as much deadpan as wooden. I like HBN, sometimes it DOES seem like a stretch but it makes me laugh, so hey. i especially liked the sweater pool joke. That was good. how about some um...background music or something during the intro, it almost seems like you paid some bartender with chunky love to slip in after dark and film yourself slightly tilted to the left. kinda odd. ok, so I'm done.
ReplyI'm sure I had something great to say, like the rest of you *coughs*
ReplyWhat about all of those other movies....*blanks* Sorry, I was mistaking lameness for a superpower. That's not original at all! An icepick labotomy is sounding quite appealing. I need to erase movies like, ZOOM 'Academy for superheroes', 'Spy Kids' and 'Inspector gadget' from my mind! How is it that I keep going back for more punishment? There's nothing on T.V, that's why. I'm sure Hancock will be great. At least, better than the aforementioned movies...I cling to that hope.
For the laughs meter. I laughed. YAY! Keep up the good work (y)
I always used to tell my boss, when she remarked on my calm demeanor at work, that my secret was three fingers of scotch in the morning, then again on each break.
ReplyShe didn't like that joke at all.
I like how, through poor choice of words, Will Smith basically said that driving drunk is a "normal thing" to do. Or at the very least, a "normal" problem we all deal with. I don't know about you, but drunk driving is part of my daily routine. I'm up to three jam jars of rum and Coke a day before heading off to work.
ReplyKeep it up, Gladstone. Find the hate that we never knew was there.
I have a few issues with your video, Gladstone.
ReplyFirst, Will Smith may not be a 'normal' guy but he's an actor, so surely he can act out the role of a normal guy with normal problems? The fact he's sat there doing an interview in his thousand dollar sweater makes no difference to how good his portrayal of an alcoholic superhero will be.
Second, at no point in the interview did he say 'we didn't use CGI', all he actually said was they used the flying harnesses and wires to make it realistic. Coupled with CGI it makes for a far better overall effect than getting him to strike a flying pose in front of a blue screen and superimposing it onto a horizon.
Third, how do any of the pretty lame points made in the video mean the movie is going to be 'truly awful'? Seems you have a deep dislike for Will Smith and are using that to bash his new movie. Personally I think the premise for Hancock is a clever idea and from what I've seen and heard so far I'll definitely be seeing it when it's released over here in the UK.
About the only positive thing I can say is you've got your sarcasm and your dramatic pauses down. They'd be brilliant if what you were actually saying was in the least bit funny.
For some reason, my sister was explaining the premise of Hancock to me the other day, and my reaction to being told it was a completely now super hero was almost exactly the same as yours.
ReplyIt seems unbelievable to me that they're even trying to pull that lie off when it's only been a couple of years since the last Superman movie.
A nun-raping bad news breaker? Dude, I'd do that all week and then some. Especially if the nuns could have splattered me with their "Please don't rape me" blood first (not sure how I aquire that). Yeah! Yummmm......
ReplyWhere can I get a career where I JUST tell people they have cancer?
ReplyLike not a doctor, but I actually just sit there and people come to me and I be a douche-bag.
It sounds easy and doesn't require much sober-ness.
dan, you have cancer.
Replyholy shit, you could be more unfunny if you tied a dead baby around your neck and raped a nun.
Replymaybe you should try a career in telling people they have cancer. That might be slightly funnier than the shit you just put out Wayne.
Jesus Christ.