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5 Reasons Cracked Loves America (A Message to the FBI)

Recently I noticed that some monitoring software I have installed was blocking a government IP address, which is funny because, checking the logs, I saw that no government IP had ever attempted an unprompted connection with my computer before oh, say, July 3rd at about 8:30 EST. I looked up some information on this address and found several forum threads regarding it, with many speculating that it was the FBI watchlist. This, coupled with my intense drug-induced paranoia and something I call recreational schizophrenia led to an interesting few nights of hysteria that may or may not have resulted in me attacking passerby with a baseball bat while shouting the freedom of information act - literally just shouting the words the freedom of information act while ambushing my neighbors from the trees (because the trees are technically in the sky, and no man can own the sky!)

But regardless of what brought the authorities to my doorstep, I would like to take a moment to assure them that we here at Cracked do not pose any danger to the United States Government but are, at worst, merely a danger to ourselves and others. And, in order to further prove our sincerity, all images in this post have been replaced by hot chicks in American flag bikinis with quotes so patriotic that terrorists would vomit bald eagles if they even read them. God bless the USA.

#5
Percentage of Questionable Content

usa2

America is a tune. It must be sung together. ~Gerald Stanley Lee

First off, the amount of anti-government propaganda produced by Cracked is really rather small; for every scathing tirade we publish regarding the injustices inflicted upon the common man by a corrupt empire, there are precisely eighteen thousand essays about why we, as grown men, still care deeply about action figures. In terms of sheer volume, the amount of treacherous content that the Cracked engine belches out from its furnace of rapier-witted man-boys is entirely negligible. Even if our readers were stirred to action by our sterling words of shining brilliance, please keep in mind that Cracked updates daily, and that the next days call to action will likely come in the form of a Steven Seagal Ponytail Retrospective.

#4
Likelihood of Revolutionary Action

usa3A man's country is not a certain area of land, of mountains, rivers, and woods, but it is a principle; and patriotism is loyalty to that principle. ~George William Curtis

As Cracked authors, we primarily write for a demographic of twenty-something middle-class white males - notoriously the most content and apathetic demographic imaginable, falling just short of post-orgasmic Pillsbury Doughboy on the likelihood of revolutionary action scale. I could post absolute, irrefutable proof that every single government conspiracy from the JFK assassination to the fake moon landing was true and, unless this proof was well under 1500 words and all on one page, not one single person would actually read the entire thing. The atrocities and injustices that, in other gathering places, would single handedly spark a revolution will, within these relatively sticky halls, be simply considered tl' and thusly 'dr.'

#3
The Lesser of Two Evils

usa5There are those, I know, who will say that the liberation of humanity, the freedom of man and mind, is nothing but a dream. They are right. It is the American dream. ~Archibald MacLeish

Lets face it, United States Government: The internet wants to take you down. The only thing more popular than anti-American news stories on the internet is titties - and titties are more popular than everything on anything, so that doesnt really count. Even if you have an elite anti-comedy SWAT team out there devoted solely to eliminating the ever-increasing menace of Wikipedia-quoting fancy-boys - were nowhere near as bad as those guys at Funny or Die. Seriously, take my word for it, every other video on that site is a terrorist how-to film. Take a look at what they posted just yesterday: A video titled Death to the Corrupt American Empire (Starring Will Ferrell!)" That link doesnt seem to work right now (they must have pulled it as soon as they noticed you were looking,) but lucky for you I took a screencap.

usa6

Go get em, boys.

#2
Validity of Source

usa4

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. ~Elmer Davis

We here at Cracked are, first and foremost, Comedy Writers - not Fact Checkers or Researchers or Science Understanders - we try to write humorously about interesting things and, in the process, often end up referencing disputed facts, unreliable sources, or simply making some shit up at the last minute because we spent our research time drinking Russian cologne when the guy at the liquor store refused to sell to us just because we frequently come in wearing nothing but a beer hat and a smile (and sometimes not even the smile.)

In a nutshell: Our credibility is shot.

For example, take this article I wrote about comic books. It is simply riddled with inaccuracy, disinformation, and mean-spirited lies. Clearly, I wrote this article with an anti-comic book agenda that was barely concealed beneath a thin veneer of incompetency. And that was something as trivial as comics! Imagine our validity as a political source! We could post live streaming video of Obama selling children to starving alien soul-rapists, accompanied by a certificate of authenticity signed by the ghost of George Washington himself and we would still be called a Photoshop. Im not sure exactly why people call us that, but I assume it means something akin to 'liar.' So dont worry about us! We have all the believability of The Boy Who Cried Wolf if, instead of a boy, he was a functionally retarded blind man and, instead of a wolf, he was crying Loch Ness Sasquatch Elvis.

#1
It was DOB

usa1"I was brought up on the street / I'm facing up to freedom / And chasing down my dream / I was made in America." -Jon Bon Jovi

Seriously, it was DOB. Did you guys not see this? Look at it! Hes a traitor! We're not even a real website! It was all a sting! An elaborate ruse to sniff out the traitor in our midst! McCarthy forever, betrayal never! Better dead than red! These colors dont run! Never forget! Buy American!

UhThunder Road!


Find Robert on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots, which is nothing but fan-art of Thomas Jefferson riding Bald Eagles in front of 9/11.

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