Do me a favor. Look back at the last two sentences of the previous entry. See those? I'm sorry. That was stupid of me, to write that. Because obviously, obviously Japanese children aren't going to undergo all that training and change their career path to rescue work just for the chance to drive a real-life mech around.
They can do that already.
This is the Kid's Walker, from Sakakibara Kikai. That's the same company that built the $300,000, full-size Landwalker we featured in this article. I can only assume that when they first unveiled the Landwalker to the public, a panic-stricken housewife ran by the company's headquarters screaming, "The children! Think of the children!" And so they exchanged a look, shrugged, and did just that. The Kid's Walker is a mini-mech for the little ones. It stands only five-feet tall, and weighs only 400 pounds -- but that's still two feet and 300 pounds more than your average toddler needs to completely destroy just about everything from living rooms to dreams.
Yes, for only $22,000, you too can weaponize a child, and ultimately be responsible for the deaths of thousands of parents who laughingly assumed things like "bedtime" and "vegetables" still applied to Billy while he was piloting the Iron Fist.
You can see from the video that the suit doesn't quite walk, but it's not exclusively rolling either. It has wheels, but they're not independent, and they only move when the mech shifts its feet. That's right: "Mechanized battlesuits for children" wasn't a dangerous enough concept, so they put them on rollerblades.
But don't worry, all hope is not lost: Watch 38 seconds into this video to see another father/son duo skate into frame, presumably to battle the Kid's Walker with their steampunk land-glider machine gun platform.
At least Japan knows how to solve the murderous machine problems they're creating: More murderous machines.
This is the Beetle, another General Electric invention. Yes, apparently the company that made your shitty blender used to deal exclusively in supervillain paraphernalia. I say, "used to" because once again, the Beetle -- something that looks like it uppercutted its way out of a sci-fi video game -- was built back in the early '60s.
What the fuck happened in the 1970s? Did the hippies physically eat all the awesome out of the world? Here, read all of this crazy bullshit that some sad, soulless accountant had the gall to scrap: The Beetle was built on the platform of an M-42 Duster, an anti-aircraft vehicle. It was initially designed to repair and maintain nuclear jet engines, but was later repurposed to clean up debris after nuclear explosions. Obviously, that meant it was radiation proof, and not just piloted by dicks that everybody agreed we could do without. The Beetle weighed 77 tons, and stood 11-feet high ... when it wasn't in motherfucking transformer mode. It could detach from that base platform and raise itself on hydraulic lifts up to 30 feet in the air!
It had 85,000 pounds of pull in each of those arms, and could rip the walls off of fortified bunkers, yet was precise enough to pick up an egg without breaking it. Finally, inside that invincible cockpit, covered in 27 layers of unbreakable glass, 12 inches of lead and several more of steel -- with all the erotically pulsating power of a transforming super-robot at your fingertips -- the pilot also had air conditioning, a small TV and a goddamn ashtray.
No, that's not an example of hilariously inappropriate hedonism or the skewed priorities of the '60s. That ashtray is a necessity. Listen: I've never punched through a bunker while piloting an iron avatar of destruction before, but I can tell you that just writing a sentence describing it was way, way better than any sex anybody will ever have.
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter and Facebook. Or you could help him assemble an elite unit of thieves to steal each and every one of these, in order to assemble a world-defending fighting force of the highest caliber.
For more futuristic innovations we can have, check out 5 Famous Sci-Fi Weapons That They're Actually Building. And check out more from Brockway in The 5 Most Evil Robots Ever Invented.