Eventually technological advancement comes to every profession– even if that profession is just burn-out, hippy, or full-time junkie. It’s been a long time coming, but apparently science has finally gotten the message and realized that even drug abuse can be made better, faster, and stronger. With that in mind, here are some new, readily available drugs that seem more like science fiction than pharmaceutical fact.
Disclaimer: Now, we want to be clear here; we’re not condoning illegal drug use in any way. That would be incredibly irresponsible, even for a website that sends death letters to pre-teens, actively tries to fuck the vice presidential candidate, and vandalizes Mexican newspapers with cocks employs DOB. We’re not saying you should do drugs, we’re just saying: Drugs. Like, totally drugs.
Modafinil is a drug commonly prescribed for Narcoleptics, and it helps maintain wakefulness over long periods of time without adversely affecting your mental state. It lets you stay up for about 48 hours at a stretch with none of the feelings of tiredness or mental decline that are typically associated with sleep deprivation, and no “sleep debt” to pay off. After two days awake, you get your eight hours and you’re good to go again. There are no amphetamine-like feelings, jitteriness or agitation. You just don’t get tired. It works entirely differently from stimulants like caffeine, the computer nerd’s drug of choice, or cocaine, the pornstar/Cracked Head Editor’s drug of choice.
“You’re so fired.”
It’s known as a ‘Eugeroic,’ which translates to ‘good arousal’ in Greek, probably because it stimulates an entirely healthy state of wakefulness, and not because it gives you a mental boner. But it gets better; Modafinil has other, unintended effects too. It reduces impulsiveness, increases mental focus, and boosts the ability to recall numbers as well. All of these combine to generally improve your problem solving abilities, and because of this fact it’s quickly becoming the drug of choice for professors, academics, and chess-players alike. It makes you more intelligent, more alert, and more calculating. It’s like the mindset of a supervillain in pill form.
The Pros
The alertness isn’t described as unavoidable or stimulated; it’s just alert. If you want to go to sleep on Modafinil, it’s just as easy as ever. There are supposedly no side effects for coming down off of it, it just stops working. Also, the brand name for Modafinil is Provigil, which probably is not short for Professional Vigilante, but you can tell people that if you like.
The Cons
I don’t have any of it, and if you don’t fall asleep in front of subway trains – you’re probably don’t, either.
Binaural Beats are illusory sounds created when two tones of differing frequencies are played simultaneously, one in each of your ears, through stereo headphones. Your mind then perceives a low beating sound, when in fact there is no such thing. This is most likely caused by your brain being tricked into trying to pinpoint sounds in 3-D, which is great fun for anybody interested in new and novel sensations, or just people that love to be total dicks to brains.
“You gonna cry, fag?”
Neurologists are interested in Binaural Beats in order to further study human hearing, experimental musicians are interested in them for creating new and experimental music, and hippies are interested in them because they could get you some kind of high off of music, which is pretty much all that they’ve been yammering about since the Grateful Dead popularized the six hour shitty jam session.
Depending on the frequency range, Binaural Beats are purported to do everything from increasing your alertness and problem solving capabilities, to putting you to sleep, to invoking euphoric feelings and out of body experiences. There are any number of sound files being distributed throughout the internet that are meant to cause these specific effects, and you can google them your damn selves because this untested ‘miracle drug’ of questionable validity that you have to download onto your computer is like an internet scammer’s wet dream; most of them are probably spam or viruses that pop-up gaping anuses on your screen.
The Pros
They’re free, widely available and, if you believe the hype, they basically fix everything in your life by punking your mindgrapes. What’s not to love?
The Cons
All of the ‘miracle effects’ are probably bullshit. Sorry, hippies, your reputability went out the window somewhere around the time you stopped bathing and started advocating white-guy dreads.
The Ganzfeld Experiments were initially developed as Parapsychological tests meant to prove the existence of ESP, and have been proven to induce vivid, detailed hallucinations. The subject places halved ping pong balls over the eyes which diffuse light, but not block it, and then noise-cancelling headphones playing white noise are placed over their ears. After a few minutes of ‘active sensory deprivation,’ many report incredibly life-like, often symbolic, meaning-filled visions. Essentially, it’s akin to going on a quick vision quest - like the stereotypical Native Americans do in Hollywood movies. The chief differences here being that you can do it from the comfort of home in the time it takes to not watch Two and a Half men, rather than ten hours inside a sweat lodge, and you don’t have to be robbed of your land and have genocide performed on your people. Bonus!
“Psh, what am I supposed to be, impressed? I can do that with a ping-pong ball and an iPod.”
Because of shady research practices, skewed results and questionable subjects, the Ganzfeld Experiments did nothing to advance the theory of ESP, but if you really feel like tripping balls, and not so much like eating fungus picked out of cow-shit and then staying up for five hours past the point when it stops being fun, Ganzfeld might do a little something for you.
The Pros
It doesn’t alter your blood chemistry, it can be stopped at any point, it’s practically free, and it seems like something out of a Buck Rogers episode.
The Cons
You look like a total and complete tool.
Propanolol is a form of beta blocker, which have long been used for their calming effects by pretty much anybody with nerves. Musicians, athletes, lawyers and teachers all swear by them for maintaining your cool when a shit ton of people are looking at you for extended periods of time and you think your fly might be down. It’s most often prescribed for circulatory disorders like hypertension, because it affects blood flow. However, it’s most often abused for it’s suppression of the physical effects of your fight or flight reflex. If, say, a horse-mounted lion leapt out at you, roaring and neighing it’s terrifying battle cry, your body would shoot adrenalin throughout your system, allowing you to react faster and hopefully get away.
This is a handy instinct for actual fight or flight scenarios, but these signals frequently get crossed, and come in quite a bit less handy when you’re trying to tell a girl how beautiful her eyes are and your body is essentially still screaming “HOLY SHIT! LION! RUN!”
“JESUS CHRIST IT’S A WOMAN! GET IN THE CAR!”
In short, it’s artificial confidence in pill form. It does not muddle your thoughts or change your personality in any noticeable way, it just suppresses nerves. Finally allowing you to deliver lines like “do you have colon cancer? ‘Cause that ass is killer!” without your voice shaking like a pubescent Parkinson’s patient.
The Pros
Sure, other drugs like alcohol inspire a sort of artificial confidence – but that’s really more like reduced judgment that comes along with mental impairment. So while liquor may give you the confidence to use your best lines on pretty girls, you’re also more likely to screw them up and end up saying something more along the lines of “do you have colon cancer? ‘Cause it looks like a tumor. YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ME!” Propanolol gives you booze-nerves without the retardation.
The Cons
Among the side-effects are nightmares, confusion, and hallucinations. So to further elaborate on this example, you may well have the mental acuity and confidence to pick up on a pretty girl, but she may only exist slightly between this plane of light and the next and have tits made out of snakes and fire.
There are two ways to progress technologically, you can invent entirely new and innovative products, or you can just improve on existing ones. They’re both valid approaches; somebody invents cold fusion reactors, for example, and somebody else puts a clock in them and makes them syncable with your iPod. Acomplia is more along the lines of the latter approach. Initially used to treat marijuana and heroin addiction (although, come on, marijuana addiction? You ever sucked dick for weed?)
“The answer is yes.”
Acomplia was later found to have other effects when the heroin addicts ordered to detox on Acomplia (surprise!) still took a shit-ton of heroin anyway. They found that, when taken with certain other drugs (pot and smack, mostly, but limited effects have also been observed with nicotine, hence its common prescription to quitting smokers,) Acomplia, rather than neutralizing the intoxicant effects of other drugs, instead drastically reduces their side-effects. In other words, instead of preventing heroin addicts from enjoying heroin, it just removed all of the unpleasant consequences. Now, its uses for heroin are clear enough – coming down off the Old Tijuana Waterslide (Editor’s note: That’s not actually a nickname for heroin) is a hellish experience full of delirium, cold sweats and nausea. But it also reportedly eliminates side-effects for weed as well. Which begs the question: What side effects? Does it rid you of the desperate need for convenience store nachos and the sudden desire to converse in-depth about religion?
The Pros
Acomplia is also prescribed and has been proven rather effective as an anti-obesity drug. So to recap, it reduces the negative side-effects of recreational drugs, helps you quit smoking, and gives you kickin’ abs. It’s the kickin’ abs that really sends this one over the believability edge, and straight into sci-fi territory. That’s just slightly too good to be real. It’s like an infomercial promising that their device slices, dices, reunites you with your estranged father, makes julienne fries, and brings you to earth-shattering orgasm with every use.
The Cons
It works by messing with the Endocannabiniod system, which is a pretty scary thing to fuck with. It controls pleasure, pain tolerance, and relaxation. So, considering one side effect seen was crippling depression, and another was the resurgence of dominant Multiple Sclerosis in one patient, maybe you should just deal with the beer gut, hangovers, Funyuns cravings and lengthy arguments about whether or not god is really like, this green and pink ball of light that you saw one time in the parking lot of the Circle K.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 14th, 2009 at 9:14 am and is filed under Drugs, Science. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 15th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
I have narcolepsy and used to take 400mg of provigil a day. It worked well, except within the first ten hours of taking it, if I started to feel tired and tried to lay down, it would make me incredibly dizzy and sick feeling, it was not worth it.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
@ Nicole:
Sometimes I use 40 mg Inderalici tabs (that’s the name here in Mexico), and I can attest they really make you less nervous, but it’s something you really notice when something really freaked out happens.
And, well, here you can get Propanolol very easy.
October 19th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Fuck that, Go get Some acid, have a good tripp
September 30th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
I keep wondering, what is the best way to cut a ping pong ball in half? I should Google that while I’m thinking of it.
September 19th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
i would really like to trip but i dont know whats best to start on (shrooms,acid,salivia,etc.) especially if im not with anybody experienced. Im pretty sure i can get a hold of them, at least acid or shrooms. What would be best for me? im only 13 and have only drank heavily once but smoke weed a good amount of the time. If anybody knows pleases send me a message
September 10th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
The propanolol side effects thing is bullshit. Remember kids, whenever you see the “possible side effects” of a drug, probably >1% of people actually get them. This is especially true with the really severe things. I took propanolol for test anxiety from around 7th grade to 10th grade, and never tripped balls.
Also, thanks Kris. I’m going to order some Adrafinil. Well, once I’m in college and can order drugs from Europe over the internet without my parents finding out
August 30th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
How long did it take you to write this blog.
August 25th, 2009 at 6:50 am
I kind of want to try number three.
July 30th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Huh. I saw “Propanolol” and it looked familiar, so I picked up my prescription bottle of Inderol (which is to prevent Migraines by reducing swelling)
Sure enough, the active ingredient is Propanolol. I wonder how many I have to take to feel awesome but to not have batshit crazy hallucinations, considering each pill is only 10mg..
July 29th, 2009 at 1:17 am
“Does it rid you of the desperate need for convenience store nachos and the sudden desire to converse in-depth about religion?”
begging another question: what else would i still be smoking for?
July 21st, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Propanolol is fucking awesome.
July 7th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
That’s just slightly too good to be real. It’s like an infomercial promising that their device slices, dices, reunites you with your estranged father, makes julienne fries, and brings you to earth-shattering orgasm with every use.
reunites you with your estranged father and brings you to earth-shattering orgasm with every use.
these 2 things dont go in the same sentince
you put a horrible image in my head
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:41 pm
hi…will i would say somthing bad but im afraid they will get mad…..u suck…tehheee
May 22nd, 2009 at 6:59 am
Modafinil is pretty amazing. There are Indian pharmacies that sell generic versions of it in bulk.
I had been using it to stay alert all day and keep awake for a little longer, but only recently did I decide to put it up to a real test.
The article is actually pretty dead on. I not only stayed up all night yesterday, but only slept for 2 and a half hours the night before. Last night, I got about a typical 7-8 hours. I’ve been feeling great all morning. I don’t feel like I’m in any sleep debt nor did I need hair-o-the-dog to keep me going.
Additionally, the fact that it has the power to keep me going that long lends credence to the fact that, yes, you can fall asleep on it. I had noticed that it took a little longer to get to sleep whenever I used it, but it was no different than whenever I go to bed without being all that tired naturally.
Obviously there are dangers associated with not sleeping enough, even when you don’t feel like you need to, but that has never stopped me before when I need to get something done on a deadline. At least now I can actually stay productive.
May 22nd, 2009 at 2:08 am
I bought a box of modafinil in mexico for about 40 bucks. Came with 30 pills, over-the-counter. Just an fyi for those interested. I’m actually awake studying at 5 am because of one of my little pills. Suck it FDA.
May 20th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Modafinil has a legal analog called Adrafinil that is unregulated by the DEA or FDA. You can order it legally online from Europe. The two drugs have similar effects, apparently, but Adrafinil can cause stomach cramps and headaches or something.
Either way, I’m definitely going to order some.
April 29th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I loved cracked.
This site is how I found out about both Salvia and Modafinil.
I use them both every day now.
April 4th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
I love your blog. Keep up the good work. Can’t wait for more from you!
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:09 pm
All drugs get u high, legal or otherwise, just as they all have addictive qualities.
Great article.
Smoke more cones lol.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:11 am
I’m wearin’ the coolest kicks in the castle.
March 28th, 2009 at 2:23 am
Like all things too good to be true, so with Modafinil. I have taken the stuff as a (supposedly) more benign substitute for Adderall in treating my lethargy, which is basically a symptom of non-hyperactive ADD.
Alas. First of all, the stuff does get you high. Not only did I (and a lot of other users) notice this; it’s just been confirmed by research that, oops, it’s quite likely addictive after all. Like other stimulants. (Oops. If you really want the cite, I’ll dig it up.)
Let’s just say that I was not at all surprised, given how it felt.
For another account of the subjective effects, see:
http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=62752
March 17th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
thank yoou for this interesting tickket, if only people understand whhat you say
it s nice to viisit this nteresting blog 
March 8th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Amazing site! love the easy layout
February 17th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
this is fucking dumb i want tp get hi
February 11th, 2009 at 1:43 am
I have a bunch of propranolol, it doesnt do any of that stuff they said…
not even at near toxic levels of ingestment, while i enjoy this site, that whole section was full of crap…
February 7th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
the binaural beats work. ive tried them, but keep in mind that it can be bad. it usually just makes you really calm, but sometimes it can be really scary, and you start feeling like youre being watched.
January 30th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Looking for a real medical site to help me have an orgasm.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:01 pm
whos that dude with the dreads pretending to smoke a joint?
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:55 am
You know, if you’re up all night because you sleep all day, that’s not insomnia.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Dude if that can cure the munchies, I’m IN!
January 21st, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Okay, first: Bones Jackson, you are a freak, and you’re Awesome!
Second: I’m going to attempt to try everything on this list, in my attempts to be a superbeing. I’m thanking/blaming Cracked, after considering the results!
January 20th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Interesting article, but you should actually learn about drugs before you write about them. There’s side effects from weed, ever try to get to sleep after not having a bowl all day? good luck
January 20th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I want a prescription of Modafinil SO much!
I have ME, and sleep during the day and have insomnia at night. Sleeping pills can help with the insomnia, but then I just sleep all the time.
When I am awake I cannot concentrate to the extent that often I can barely read. I cannot process auditory information.
Then there’s the constant crushing pain, dizziness and a multitude of other symptoms as the disease effects every bodily system.
Will my Dr give me Modafinil?! Fuck no. Bastard.
Because it’s a ’study drug’ and used recreationally, geniune suffering patients are flat out denied it. Wankcrap.
Oh- on the downsides of it; it does effect every single kind of hormonal contraception, so careful gals taking it!
*sigh* guess I’ll have to keep buying it over the net….
January 19th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Provigil has the on label use of Shift Work Sleep Disorder and Sleep Apnea. Tell a dr. “I work 3rd shift and just can’t get my sleep in the right order to be awake at night” and it’s considered a valid prescription. Too expensive to buy without insurance though.
It makes me more grumpy, but focused on being grumpy.
January 17th, 2009 at 3:20 am
Log of first day on Provigil:
I have Hypersomnia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypersomnia - Basically, I get excessive daytime sleepiness. Two days ago I went to the sleep doctor after seeing this article and doing research on a possible treatment for it. I talked with my doctor and told him I was interested in trying this, so he gave me four blister packs containing 7 200mg pills each, prescription for one month with a $15 copay. He gave me instruction to take one a day when I wake up. I’ll be checking back with him in two weeks to let him know how I like it and if I’d like to continue. So here it goes, my first experience with Provigil (Modafinil) 200mg.
6:00 AM - Alarm went off, hit off button and went back to sleep.
7:00 AM - Backup alarm went off, hit off button, got up, took 1 Provigil with strawberry milk.
7:15 AM - Shower, brushed teeth, got dressed, stared into the refrigerator for 10 minutes then decided I didn’t want food - basic morning routine.
7:30 AM - Listening to some chill Indie music on my “Chillshläuger” playlist. Felt like something might be taking effect on how I perceive things, but mostly just inquisitiveness, excitement, sometimes you want to feel something so you’ll play tricks on yourself, but in reality, nothing is happening.
7:45 AM - Starting to feel similar to the excitement of doing something you’re really interested in for the first time. Preparedness, feeling like you’re “starting up”, I think my vision might have sharpened, either my eyes are focusing with greater efficiently or they’re becoming worse at broad focus and making the things I am looking at fine, while my peripherals become further blurred causing an illusion of enhanced visual focus.
7:55 AM - I’ve estimated the Onset is 30min-1Hr. depending on the person, I am an 18 yr. old male, 155lb and 6′1″, I am on the swim team at UCF, so I am lean. Thinner or heavier people would most likely experience different effects than I.
8:00 AM - I’m starting to really feel stimulant effects. I am was also already excited to feel something and in a good mood, so I’d say the feeling is 80% pill, 20% Bones Jackson.
8:05 AM - Thinking to myself, “Shit, I should do something to test motor skills and further explore the effects of this. Room should be cleaned, I actually have the desire to so I might as well, and at least I might “think” I’m enjoying the productive behavior.
8:15 AM - Yeah, so I noticed I can’t remember the last time I blinked, and now I am even not blinking while acknowledging that I am not, which normally creates the urge to blink. Oh by the way, when I cleaned my room I noticed I didn’t normally cut corners when folding clothes, and I folded them quickly and with noticeable neatness without much effort, as if I was just exceptionally good at it. I even straightened my shoes, which I don’t normally do, and I didn’t even realize I was doing something out of the ordinary until halfway when I stopped and just stared at the shoes in my hand a took in what I was doing and pondered this gem, “Why the hell am I organizing my shoes? Fuck shoes.” Then I put the shoes down and decided that I was no longer feelin’ “Blonde on Blonde” - Nada Surf. Enter, Of Montreal (Psychedelic Rock/Indie).
8:23 AM - I hate repetition.
8:25 AM - Mother dick! I just realized I have to work at Jmart in the shoe section from 5PM-9PM. I’m going to go get a Caffeine-Free Ginger Ale, I don’t want to misinterpret the effects. “Misinterpret? Who am I trying to impress, misinterpret will do just fine” (Actual thought).
8:45 AM - Alright so, I looked at the television for a while, I saw a paragraph on the screen and it appeared that each line of text was shifting back and forth in alternating directions, also, an Extenze commercial aired, Commercial: “What would you say if we had a product that could increase that certain size of the male body?” Bones Jackson: “I’d say, I don’t need it!” promptly followed by a crumpled empty soda can into the face of the miscreant and an acute feeling of, “Why did I do that? Damn I am so good.”
9:00 AM - My heart is going to explode! And I mean that in the most non-sensical use of the word, my heart-rate is up as expected, rapid, but not enough to threaten me. I feel like I can just get things done, with great efficiency and quality, after some chores, I realized I can, Tested myself on photographic memory ability - No, I still don’t possess it. I am feeling a pride in my grammar, and for some it may be average, others sub-par, and some of you may be living in the bodunk asking yourself, “I wonder if I live in the bodunk?” Yeah, probably.
9:20 AM - I don’t want to push it, but I am going to go on a run around the block (1/2-3/4 mi.)
9:24 AM - Oh man, basketball shorts are so much more comfortable than slim jeans, but I do feel like I shed my “armor”. Think of, the feeling you get when you’re in a suit and you feel ready. Ready for what? Just ready.
9:26 AM - I think I’ll bring my wallet in case I want to jog down to the Shell station and experience social interaction. It’s 9/10 mi. away if I go, not too far at all.
11:03 AM - The Shell station enticed me, I got a 99 cent Arizona iced tea, ’twas delish. There were a few characters at the gas station, your stereotypical guy who looks like he hasn’t showered in a month, wearing busted sneakers, flannel and dirt covered jeans, and oh! Don’t forget the “Sun State Landscaping” baseball cap. Then there were some skeezy teens a bit younger than me, oh - hold on, the dishwasher beckons.
11:08 AM - Alright, so yes, man functioning on lowest human level, sleazy 16 year olds snickering whilst stuffing tic tacs and sour straws in their pants, making dick jokes. I paid for my tea in a gold dollar, and a dime, said “Keep the change!” in the tone that one would make a “Your Momma” joke, then jumped out like I just ruined that girl’s life.
11:11 AM - I’ve just been sitting here staring at comments. 11:11 is a good time, tribute to thee. Also, lawls at the blowjob cop.
11:13 AM - I don’t really want to sit here and log my every move, I am not a character on a television show, I don’t like blogging, and I’m doing this for the sake of personal writings, and sharing it with Cracked.com to add purpose. The initial and expected “high” is wearing off, I am feeling more normal, but normal like you do when you’re perfectly awake and happy. Also, I notice I am happier, as in, I feel good, and I feel positive. For those of you with a life worth living, Yeah, you know that feeling, a good day! For the others… I am deeply sorrowed at the news of your STD contractions. Positive, you get it? Yeah? No? Sigh, you don’t get it.
12:00 PM - I’ve taken care of all of my homework, finished a project on Elvis and I didn’t once stop for those breaks, you know, the ones when you sit back and say to yourself “Knuckles, I don’t want to do this shit, there’s not really much else to do right now, but I do not want to do this, it’s somehow worse than being bored.” I suspect forced productivity, You suspect forced entry, in teh back doorz! XD
1:00 PM - Hourly reports give me more to provide on a Friday, the day when my girlfriend (High-school senior, I am a college Freshmen) is in school, I don’t have work, and I don’t class. The day of chillaxins has become the day of, For the sake of nautical doormats, I am bored!
1:01 PM - Found I-am-bored.com If you’re wondering how, then you should have your testicles lit ablaze. You’re a girl? No you’re not.
1:15 PM - The site was mediocre, Stroke of genius, this site is a comedy site.
2:00 PM - I understand the jokes on this site more than I desired. Oh, I considered having a sexual experience but I decided against it, I looked through some content, and while arousing, mentally and physically, I just didn’t want to do that right now, I’d rather go do something with a lot of interaction. I still feel happier, but not the aloof kind, just sincerely feeling good, this drug would probably be effective for depression and or ADD/ADHD patients. Anyways, I promised the girlfriend I’d pick her up after school and take her to lunch.
4:30 PM - Alright, lots to tell. It didn’t take long for her to notice that something was different about me and I had obviously taken Provigil this morning. In her words, I seemed happier, more talkative, and “It’s like you used to be when we first started dating and you had insomnia.”. She was really excited and proud that I did and still do feel great, and most importantly awake. The entire reason for taking this drug was to stay awake all day and have a normal and healthy sleep schedule. It’s time for work, Jmart shoe section, 5PM-9PM. I know what you’re thinking, 1. “Godspeed.” 2. “Whaaaa, this kids a freak!” 3. “This is dumb.” Then why are you reading it brah? Ouch, your pride.
4:32 PM - Shabangled!
4:40 PM - Work is only a 7 minute drive away, Le sigh.
4:42 PM - Okay, so I can tell by now that for the rest of the day I’d most likely keep at a steady awakeness, increased focus, work ethic, and feeling normal, yet knowing you’re not usually like this. Off to work, I’ll let you know what happens.
9:12 PM - I called my manager a knave. I lied to him and told him that knave means maverick in German. What a lowly knave, whoever ends up wasting away their life working some dead end 9-5 job just to make it to work and back, You might want to consider Provigil. As for my experience and behavior at work, Look, I’ve been up since 7AM, I ran, did chores, and a slew of other things, went out and worked for four hours stocking shoes, removing and then replacing shelves in another location, (we’re having clearance). Not strenuous work, but enough to break a most a sweat from jammed shelves, lots of kneeling in uncomfortable positions and running around for customers. The interesting thing is I did it all without taking a break, wanting or caring to stop, or having the “I wish I wasn’t here” feeling. I was extremely productive and efficient in my work to the point that customers commented on my helpfulness and managers noted my work. So, if you’re just lazy, and honestly really just lazy, I’m sure this sounds valuable to you, especially considering the high. Also, I never felt like a zombie or a drone when I was working, I just felt like once I started, I had the desire to finish the task. So increased motivation is also great. Gonna go hit the shower, make a snack and go to bed.
10:03 PM - Today was a good day, I am feeling slightly tired, but not tired enough to need to go to bed, just tired enough to know I probably should. Hope all of this was informative.
10:06 PM - pz.
January 17th, 2009 at 2:33 am
“…most of them are probably spam or viruses that pop-up gaping anuses on your screen.”
I’ll admit, I LOL’d.
January 17th, 2009 at 12:42 am
haha. i sucked a dick for weed.
oh lord i <3 asylum.
January 16th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
[...] a new Cracked column up over here, basically telling you how to abuse commonly prescribed drugs to become a supervillain. If that [...]
January 16th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
“come on, you ever suck dick for weed”
Half-baked! HAHAHAHAHAHA
January 16th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Umm… my dad takes provigil and claims that it only works for 2 hours… So who knows. Maybe he is just taking a small dose…
January 16th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Just saw this topic: The 5 Most Ill-Advised Dating Sites on the Web: ” Perhaps you’ve heard of ____Tallmingle.com ? ”
Funny ….Seems Tallmingle.com is back now …..
January 16th, 2009 at 12:35 am
Yes, yes I have.
January 15th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
If you don’t believe in ghosts, then what the HELL is happening here?! I’d really love to know myself, not just douchebag spamming…
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=1b78d8b44a984bab0dd0&page=3&viewtype=&category=mr
January 15th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
“convenience store nachos”…YES! brb
January 15th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
[...] 5 Real Ways to Get High Straight Out of Science Fiction | Cracked.com how have i never heard of "Provigil" before? (tags: humor psychology brain drugs pharmacology) [...]
January 15th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
i take provigil. i used to get tired a lot during the day, and id take a nap at lunchtime a lot. not bc i didnt get enough sleep at night, just bc i couldnt stay awake. now i can stay awake thru the day. no side effects that i can notice. i also think it makes me more mentally clear and stimulated. also, i cant have caffeine otherwise it makes me shake (even b4 taking provigil). provigil doesn’t cause that side effect for me. its great.
January 15th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
[...] 5 Real Ways to Get High Straight Out of Science Fiction | Cracked.com __________________ New section = High Tech Trappin http://www.realraptalk.com/f204/ [...]
January 15th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Apparently I shit on some peoples dreams by telling everyone how expensive Modafinil is…….on the bright side Propranolol is really cheap and not a class drug so it should be easier to get your hands on. Sells for about $4 for 100 pills to a Doctor.
January 15th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
I plan to combine binaural beats with Ganzfield.
January 15th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
you can talk about drugs all day, i won’t complain. make a drug that combats leprosy and lethargy and gives you a boner, and sign me up.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
I’ve taken Provigil (as a remedy for sleepiness after bouts of insomnia). It affected me just like a lot of caffeine does–made me a bit jittery, and though I was able to stay awake & alert for a good amount of time, the entire time I had that I’m-tired-and-edgy feeling you get when… you’ve stayed awake too long. It certainly didn’t let me concentrate more while I was completely awake.
It’s nowhere near the wonder drug this article makes it out to be. I get a more potent effect from Adderall.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
LOL, too funny dude, too funny. I like a big fat joint myself.
http://www.privacy.de.tc
January 15th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
@Maryjane: No, I do agree with you that the schizophrenia thing is a bit of a stretch. But even the studies that suggest it’s link with cannabis state that it’s only a concern with people who are already predisposed to the condition. However, I don’t think it’s a stretch in such a case since it does induce paranoia in some folks.
As far as addiction studies go though, I think the evidence is becoming more well-established in recent times.
And to both you and JV, I can’t agree with you more that it should be legalized. Criminalizing drugs is the primary reason violent crimes become associated with them.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
I’m on Provigil for Narcolepsy. When I first started taking it, I realized I could concentrate for hours on end and not get distracted. I also lost a lot of weight because I never got hungry (or had cravings). I don’t take it to stay up for days, just to stay awake during the day. However, if I take it too late in the day I can’t sleep at night. My body gets tired but my mind races so I can’t fall asleep (makes daytime naps impossible). The effects have waned since I first started taking it, but it does still help with alertness. I haven’t noticed any negative side effects (such as headaches, nausea, etc). Oh, there is a side effect for me to talk NON-STOP at times (and I’m usually very quiet).
January 15th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Also, Cannabis is not a drug (although it’s classified that way by our government) — it’s dried whole plant material. An herb. A drug is an alkaloid derived from mostly plant sources, synthesized in a laboratory and often concentrated.
Drugs and herbs are similar in use and function, but they are two distinct routes on the pathway through the alteration of consciousness.
Sorry to enter this so late in the discussion. I was busy yesterday with my real life…
January 15th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
By them, I was referring to the ping pong balls btw, not the green swirls
January 15th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Okay, so I tried the ganzfeld thing. Unfortunately, I wasnt able to do it for so long, and there were some distractions. However, I definitely did get to a point where I couldnt tell whether my eyes were opened or closed (about 20 min), because my vision started to turn off. Then, some wierd psychadelic green… i dont know… swirls i guess you would call them, started moving all over my vision. It was pretty cool, but i need to tape them down next time, get some static, and make sure no one will bother me next time. Btw, if anyone has actually done this before, has it actually worked? I should put a post back on tonight with my experience, but if someones already done it, I’d like to know how it went. Also, is the Brockway who posts here the real guy, or an impersonator?
January 15th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Nice picture of the late Viv Stanshall!
January 15th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Are you coming on to me?
January 15th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
@Maryjane & Bearman
When I go a couple of days without blazing it, I start turning into a fuckin’ crouch.
I do get minor insomnia, and my appetite dies down. But atleast I’m not waking up in cold sweats, vomiting and curled up in the fetal position for days on end, like some drunks I know. The thing is that Weed is already legal in some states. I can walk into a certain type of doctor’s office, claim that I have anxiety or carpel tunnel, get a smokers card, and walk into any of the “candy shops” spread out all over Los Angeles and buy an ounce of some dank. Its just a little pricey, but well worth it.
In conclusion, there are some tame side effects and withdrawal symptoms,
but its definitely safe and legal in this day and age. If you play your cards right.
No one should ever go to jail for getting high. Its every individuals personal choice to abuse their health in whatever way they choose. We don’t need to be supervised like children.
But the system is specifically designed that way by lawmakers with a stick up their ass, promoting an agenda that doesn’t fit with todays society. We gotta run around and hide the herbs like its a volatile chemical, but You can legally go to another country and slaughter masses of brown people for living in the wrong place at the wrong time, but because you’re doing it in uniform, its perfectly fine and you’re considered a hero.
Meanwhile, there’s the wholesale slaughter of 1,000 Palestinians so far, and the people protesting the actions of Israel are deemed anti-semetic. Our government is kicking back and supporting it.
but Oh No!!! don’t get caught smoking bud because you will be dealt with swiftly.
The Law doesn’t fuck around.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Robert;
At least in my own experience, Provigil isn’t the uberpill it’s made out to be, at least as far as 48 hours staying up without a sleep debt; perhaps if it’s only used every once in a while this is possible, but personally I tend to need to get 6-7 a night or I wind up doing 36/12. It may be an interesting experience to do a large amount all at once, but that could also lead to complications. I plan on trying a Ganzfeld as soon as I can locate some ping-pong balls, but I’m not super-psyched. Of course, it could work really well; I’ve just found in the past that hallucinations, while amazing, aren’t necessarily fun.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
@Bearman
Oh no I understand that completely, every drug from Smack to coffee has side effects, my point really is that weed side effects are nothing compared to some of the things that can happen to you with legal drugs so given its advantages Im really not sure why it is still illegal and like I said, booze being legal is a perfect example of that.
I too have gone a couple of days without green before and whoever said weed wasnt addictive had clearly never smoked it often enough because there are most definitely withdrawal symptoms but they are probably the least problematic and short lived ones.
Im sorry but I have to disagree on your “proven fact” comment though because, although some of them are just a fact, some of the “side effects” (such as schizophrenia) cant be judged properly because there is no way of telling whether or not these mental conditions would have presented themselves anyway, especially when they run in the family.
Basically what Im saying is that any drug addiction (which I fully admit I have) will cause you problems and present side effects but the ones that come with legally acceptable drugs are usually 100 times worse than anything you’ll get from a weed comedown so again, I dont know why it is still illegal??
Thanks for commenting back tho, forums are fun
January 15th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
@Maryjane:
I never said weed is all bad…I still enjoy a good toke from time to time. But Hell, I don’t do it for my health. I also used to burn 4-5 times a day, every day, for about 7-8 years straight and decided to stop wasting money so pointlessly - as my only reason was pure recreation. I can tell you from my own personal experience that after being high virtually non-stop for that long, cutting yourself off is quite a shock to your system. And yes, I did experience some of the physical withdrawal symptoms which I didn’t think would happen at that time.
My point was too many folks view it as this wonder drug with no ill effects, no addictive properties, etc. when such is not the case at all. And all because they are in denial that maybe they are compromising their health. Merely pointing out something people don’t like to hear (but is proven fact) does not necessarily mean I am biased against it.
Cannabis has its uses, just as opiates have theirs. And yes, it probably is far less detrimental to mental/physical health than most other substances, but not entirely without risk.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Perhaps you’ve heard of ____Tallmingle.com? one of The 5 Most Ill-Advised Dating Sites on the Web. He is back ……………..
January 15th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
You’re giving mushrooms a bad rap, dude.
When taken properly, it can be a real eye-opening, spiritually enlightening experience.
Especially taking them out in the desert, or nature in general, during some cool weather, with a group of friends that are likely to bounce good vibes off of one another. Its depends on the choice of the individual whether they’re doing it for recreational drug use, or whether they’re doing it to find “the answer” to a nagging question about a current situation in life.
Another tip is that it’s VERY important to make sure you had an overall good day leading up to ingesting the shrooms. Because if you just heard some bad news, or you’ve been depressed, moody, drinking all day; you’re more than likely to have a godawful fuckin’ trip where you’re waiting 5 hours to make it go away. (Had plenty of those. Don’t shroom when you’re hiding from the government, BTW)
Good times.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I have never seen a line from “half baked” used so magically to dis Bob Sagat! Awesome!
I would just like to say to all the people who are talking about the side effects of weed.
I am in constant and serious pain most days. For this the Doctor prescribes me Co-Dydramol, Dihydrocodine and Amitryptilene<sp?????
None of these drugs help me with my pain anywhere near as much as Weed does and yes there are a number of side affects (that have never been 100% attributed to THC it has to be said) that could cause people problems but none of these come anywhere near the side effects of the so called “safe” and “legal” drugs that I get from my GP. Even if I time food wrongly with those drugs it can make me really ill and throw my whole day out.
I can function a lot more normally on weed than I can on the other drugs (this will have something to do with how much and how long I’ve smoked for as I know this isnt the case for most people. I really think it should be legalised so as not to make criminals out of people like myself. We only have to look at places like Holland to know that legalisation can and does work.
Anyway I dont expect to change anyones views on weed or anything but I do think people should keep an open mind. Especially when booze is so readily available!! If booze was discovered today it would be a class A!! Up there with heroin and crack and its side effects are probably the most damaging of any drug out there.
Thanks for reading!!
Peace Out man!!
January 15th, 2009 at 11:27 am
As a general note: ‘pros’ does not list all possible effects, and ‘cons’ does not list all possible side effects. That’s why I included the links - so that if your interest is piqued, you can do the research yourself. I’m just here to tell you about its existence in general, and probably call it a dick while referencing cartoons from the ’80s.
Overall, I’ve read quite a bit of supposedly non-biased testimonials and objective information about Modafinil, and I’m still somewhat intrigued. Of course it’s a drug, and of course regular abuse is going to do something bad to you, but the testimonials seem to agree that occasional use when needed typically has no negative side-effects. There will always be exceptions to the rule, but that IS the rule.
I’d be interested to try it once it or twice, because it’s such a foreign sounding experience. What does it feel like to temporarily possess enhanced problem-solving abilities? To stay up for two days straight without tiring or getting muddled? I’d do it out of sheer curiosity. I think that’s pretty much what everybody here is talking about when they say they want some. I don’t see much harm coming from that.
Also, the only way Binaural Beats affected me was by forcing me to listen to some shitty MP3s for about half an hour, and also renew my dislike for hippies. Anybody tried the Ganzfeld thing yet?
January 15th, 2009 at 11:10 am
@Code: Actually there is more and more evidence supporting those claims. See the two references I’ve listed below. Perhaps you’re the one who needs to read more. Just because you don’t like to hear it, doesn’t make it false.
January 15th, 2009 at 11:08 am
@Mat the W: Salvia sucks ass. By far the worst one of the drug experiences I’ve ever had. Thank goodness it only lasted for a few minutes. It’s short duration is the only thing that made it not worse than ketamine.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:55 am
*Sniff Sniff*
I smell a Scientology undercover agent using covert-op posting to disseminate anti-medication dogma.
Seriously, though, how are doctors who prescribe this shit to people like me (who simply said, “I can’t focus at work all that well,”) allowed to keep their practices open?
I was fucked up for weeks because my doctor didn’t bother to do any research.
Name another profession where you can not only not get fired for such lazy incompetence, but get paid MORE (in this case, by pharm. companies in the form of free samples).
January 15th, 2009 at 10:10 am
You bought the pharmaceutical company’s sales pitch for Provigil hook, line and sinker. While it’s a useful drug, it’s not nearly as different from other stimulants (amphetamines, pemoline, methylphenidate) as they want you to believe. While it does have lower potential for abuse, it still shares nearly all the side-effects that amphetamines don’t have. They also never managed to get it approved for ADD in kids because of safety and efficacy concerns.
It does have one major benefit over amphetamines, however, it makes the manufacturer an obscene assload of money because of articles like this and doctors prescribing it for things it’s not approved for.
It’s just another drug in the grand tradition of Heroin! The safe, new substitute for morphine! Or, Valium! The safe, new non-addicting substitute for Barbiturates! Or, Xanax, The safe, new non-addicting substiture for Valium!
See also: Free Lunch, no such thing as.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:01 am
When people who can barely afford to buy food and pay bills are spending money on weed, I’m counting that as a negative side effect.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:56 am
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January 15th, 2009 at 8:38 am
@ weed does have side effects Says:
None of those side effects have even been proven conclusively.
Like, at all. Read more.
January 15th, 2009 at 7:05 am
And in recent studies provigil was shown to be no more effective then a few coffees….
I’ve known quite a few people that have had to take it and, well, it isn’t very pleasant and it actually does have a lot of side effects. Go google the side effects.
I love cracked but the misinformation on this site can be quite bad sometimes. I know its a joke site but still…
January 15th, 2009 at 6:37 am
wow, so many posts. love this….
and i will share it with my friends on wealthymeetup.com
January 15th, 2009 at 6:30 am
three words…
LOVE IT!
January 15th, 2009 at 4:38 am
I take Metaprolol, a beta-blocker, for unreliable blood pressure. (It spikes when I’m nervous and I usually am.) I didn’t think people would try to abuse it, because it can make your blood pressure and heart rate go so far down, you die. I take my recommended dosage and that’s it! It does have the effect of more peaceful sleep (don’t know about the nightmares because I always had those.)
Accomplia led to very strong suicidal urges as well as a host of other really nasty things. Stay away from that one! Besides, it blocks the WEED from getting in. Or something.
The caption under the brain? Priceless!
January 15th, 2009 at 3:33 am
Oh my god, I literally laughed out loud at the Bob Saget and dick sucking for weed thing. Amazing stuff! This article was the best I’ve seen in a long time
January 15th, 2009 at 3:10 am
This is one funny article. And useful, too.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:40 am
Anybody tried Salvia? Mexican tripping weed?
I fell back into myself while the walls collapsed on me repeatedly before bursting into a 10 minute fit of laughter so hard I dribbled on myself.
Awesome.
Well better than ping pong balls on my eyes anyway.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:58 am
increased paranoia
increases risk of schizophrenia (if you have family history of this usually)
worsens schizophrenia
a joint produces three times the tar of cigarets
thc is constantly having to be filtered out by your kidneys, so unless you eat super healthy makes it hard for your kidneys to work properly
if you are young (below 25) it affects the development of pathways in the brain
etc.
i am not one to say cannabis is bad and should stay illegal either, it has its uses medically and recreationaly. but if you use it for the sole purpose of getting high, there will be side affects other than the munchies and weird convos that if not for weed would never happen.
if it gets you high, does something to you chemically, then guess what there will be side affects. every drug has side affects.
one over looked side affect of all drugs is depression. after you get off of it it is easy to slip into depression with out the drug stimulating things like serotonin and dopamine production, which basically equate to you being happy or not.
all drugs have side affects. dont fool your self.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:18 am
But the best drug is love.
Or at least sex. With a hooker. And drugs.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:59 am
This is a spectacular article. Calling your own brain a fag might be the funniest thing ever on this site.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:51 am
Idiot Indiana State Trooper swaps job for blowjob: watch news story here!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ef094ba80bd0b8c4e04b&page=1&viewtype=&category=mr
January 15th, 2009 at 12:51 am
“…often abused for it’s suppression of the physical effects…”
Learn how to spell.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:48 am
FYI, Accomplia has not proven effective for obesity. It’s just a short term fix, like a crash diet.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:42 am
“Jesus Christ it’s a woman!” - Thank you for almost giving me a cerebral hemorrhage. That’s about the hardest I’ve laughed in a week.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
The first one has a serious con…the side effect. Modafinil can cause Stevens-Johnson syndrome. Picture to what you’ll like if you have SJS
http://www.sjsupport.org/htmldata/reactionphoto_1.html
so ya…and that’s only one of the side effects. TEH AUTHOR LIES.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
@ Nik:
In hindsight, it was probably the fact that I swallowed every dose with gasoline.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
I’m too lazy to search through the comments to find if somebody else has said this, so forgive me.
“Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.”
January 14th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
they’re actually using armodafinil, not modafinil (the R-isomer of modafinil), and I believe they were just testing it for future use. although i believe the french air force (yeah, seriously) did use it. They were able to get something like 96 hrs or more without any decline in function!
as for your experience with provigil, maybe it was just you
January 14th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
I was on Provigil for a week (they’re beginning to prescribe it for ADHD due in large part to the whole lack of “amphetamine-like feelings, jitteriness or agitation.”)
My doctor suggested I give it a go because–in his words, don’t know if this is true–the air-force is now giving it to pilots on important missions, so they stay awake and sharp.
Now, I don’t have ADHD, but had been complaining to him about staying focused at my new job, and he mentioned it a possibility. Being a fan of both “Top Gun” and employment, I accepted his sample pack, fully expecting everything you describe in your article: boner-inducing awesomeness in the form of suddenly being able to remember everything from high school calculous.
What I got, however, was essentially an anti-aspirin. Imagine everything you take OTC pain-killers for (especially headaches), make a pill that GIVES you those problems instead of curing them, take it, and you’re basically experiencing Provigil.
Sure you stay awake, but you can’t DO anything except feel like you got punched in the soul. Also–in the brief moments after the headaches but before the vomiting–you can’t get boner.
Yeah.
January 14th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Firstly, it’s “propranolol” — there’s a second R in there. Secondly, I’ve been taking it for migraines for a while and haven’t noticed any of the effects you mentioned. It just makes my head not hurt.
January 14th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
This article is utterly hilarious. I’m drunk, but I just can’t stop laughing. Especially at the colon cancer line. I am British. Therefore I dub thee Sir Word Puncher for services to me (British people have that authority).
January 14th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Definitely going to try #3 while on green. The whole being able to stop at any time vs. the strap yourself in and wait it out factor of other hallucinogens.
January 14th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
“an alert, smarter populace beats a lazy, ignorant populace hands down.”
Well, yeah, sure, for the populace. But for those who would seek to keep the power in the hands of the few?
*glances around shiftily*
January 14th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Wow, I went to that healingbeats website linked to a bit back and listened to the Schumann Resonance one. I after a few minutes I started to feel a bit creeped out, like kinda spooked, looking around me and that.
The weirdest thing was when I just closed the window, I had the sound on pretty loud in my headphones and when it cut out I could hear the noise around me again, but it was like my ears were opening and closing, starting at the pitch of the beat but then slowing down, like wuwuwuwu wuuwuu wuuwuu wuuu wuuu wuuuu wuuuuuuu
And it was laternating between left and right, like left was cloased while right was open and vice versa
January 14th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Those side effects of propanolol and other beta blockers are very rare though. I’ve heard more problems with ppl just dosing it wrong and getting hypotensive.
January 14th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
I take modafinil, and that shit is fucking powerful.
January 14th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
If #3 works with other drowning noises, wouldn’t 3+4 = win?
3d hallucinations anyone?
January 14th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
The Binaural beats sounds fairly to familiar to anyone who tunes they’re guitar by ear. That low beating sound is what happens when two waveforms that are out of phase are interpreted together. The beat you hear is caused by superposition, which isnt some sort of Wonder Woman sex act, it’s the result of the waveforms partially cancelling and reinforcing each other, causing a third wave, equal in frequency to the difference in frequency to the other two.
Its usually a low note because it’s most perceptible in two frequencys very close to each other, meaning the beat is usually somewhere in the low 100’s of Hz, any higher and it’s difficult to notice. Since you dont see every guitarist going spasmodic every time he tunes I’d be pretty sceptical about it.
One more thing, a fairly similar article to this was on Digg not five days ago, called ways to trick your brain into hallucinating.
One more thing, why is there a Clockwork Orange picture on the link, you don’t mention the movie and the picture doesn’t appear in the article?!
January 14th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
For #4 you can check out binurial beats with something called iDoser, i think if you hurry its still being seeded. I tried it and found it to be useless hippy bullshit using the power of suggestion. But they claim its only viable to a certain “demographic”.
January 14th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
come on, honestly none of these drugs i’d like to mess with. you realise that almost every generation has had its “wonder drugs” that at first seemed perfect (like heroine, cocaine or opium) that later turned out to fuck all the poor saps that took them over+ #4 looks like it doesnt do shit, and #3 coming out of the Ganzfeld experiments i would highly doubt does shit either
January 14th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
You mean “prompts the question” begging the question is a logical fallacy resulting from circular reasoning.
January 14th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
@Whitenerd
Really? ‘Cause I tried it just now and all I got was a bunch of bullshit about “A spirit world inside rocks” Did I do it wrong or somthing?
January 14th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
I couldn’t get past the disclaimer without cracking up, “employs DOB”, classic!
January 14th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
BERSERKBINARY: it’s called drencrom not breadcrum
January 14th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
shit dudes, this is SWEET
im with Sam Says though.
see you after a trip to happy chocolate smile land!
January 14th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Common side effects of Modafil (#5) include headaches, palpitations, decreased eyesight and last but not least: drowsiness… It’s not a miracle drug.
January 14th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
if you google “illusory sounds” you get a perfectly good site right away with no viruses, i tried it, it was pretty cool
January 14th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Tried Number 4. Holy crap balls, I just got mind fucked!
http://www.healingbeats.com/play.html
You can listen to some samples here; Just be sure to put on some nice earphones and listen to a whole track. Euphoria made me feel like I was at the cruising stage on green (dont pretend you dont know what I’m talking about). Anyway, give it a try, it def worked for me.
January 14th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
hecktermfour-That’s never happened to me before. I feel sick to my stomach sometimes, but it’s worth it.
January 14th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
I’m also gonna try #3. I don’t want any viruses so #4 is out. #1 has enough cons to steer me away. #2 is enticing though.
January 14th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Oh, and it’s spelled hamster…there’s no P in it ya fucktard! Boo Ya!
January 14th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Haven’t heard much from you Bubbles…Guess you’re wallowing in your own stupidity. I apologize for the minor debate I caused in the comments today.
January 14th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Provigil has some interesting side effects which aren’t mentioned such as puking your guts out for hours on end. It also makes you act like an asshole whenever you are coming off of it. Of course you can’t classify asshole in a test so that wasn’t reported. #2 was fucking hilarious. Good Job Brockway.
January 14th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Hey I take Provigil! I cannot stay awake for that long. I take the regular prescription doses which explains why. You also build up an immunity to it after awhile, but the first time I took it I was feeling great. That’s why I don’t take it every day so I can still get high. Provigil is a fuckin’ lifesaver. If I take it in the late afternoon I’m up all night feeling great.
I’ve always wondered if I could make big bucks selling it. I better. It costs big bucks but it makes sure I can pay attention for more than 10 minutes. Provigil isn’t as good as you say, but it is pretty damn amazing.
January 14th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Dude, a “half-baked” reference? Awesome. Great article.
January 14th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
VDub02,
Thanks for shitting on our hope parade.
Love
All of Us
January 14th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I work for a pharmaceutical distributor and unfortunately Modafinil is a Class 4 Narcotic which basically means unless you have a license from the DEA its going to be hard to get a hold of. Its also REALLY expensive we sell a bottle of 100 pills for around $1250. It all sounds fun as hell though!
January 14th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
@Bubbles:
Since you probably are inept at obtaining proper information, here are two references for you to start with:
Kouri EM, Pope HG Jr. Abstinence symptoms during withdrawal from chronic marijuana use. Exp Clin Psychopharmacol. 2000 Nov;8(4):483-92
Lichtman AH, Martin BR. Cannabinoid tolerance and dependence. Handb Exp Pharmacol. 2005;(168):691-717
January 14th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Yes, Binary Beats are probably BS. Having been a band geek in school, I remember those darn beats when we had try and play in tune with others; the notes are slightly out of tune but basically the same note, and the BEATS diminish the closer you get in tune. Never got high off of the process, in comparison to the other drugs available at the time…
That having been said, I’m gonna go out and get me some Modafinil !
January 14th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
That lion/horse pic has so many uses! It’s the Swiss army knife of photos!
January 14th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
ahhh i was hoping to hear sumthing about the breadcrum from A CLOCKWORK ORANGE why u show his pick if u aint going to be on article. i wanted to get real horrorshow
January 14th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
@Bubbles: It’s all published in well-respected medical/scientific journals. Just go to http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov and search the PubMed database. So no, I’m not an idiot. You’re just talking out of your asshole.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
I approve of the Half Baked reference.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
woo hoo Acomplia! One of it’s main indications is actually for Type II Diabetes. I actually worked on developing this drug. So long as it isn’t prescribed to people with a known history of depression, and you work with your doctor to find the right dosage for you there is VERY little risk.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
You people have the IQs of hampsters. BearMan, I’m not sure where you get your information from but it’s apparent that you, my friend, are an idiot.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
im not really into drugs at all… but… i wonder where i could score some Modafinil…
January 14th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
way to use the “lion riding the horse photo” again! while a bit of a stretch for the article, it’s an epic photo that should somehow be included in every story.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Don’t listen to K3, he just wants it all for himself.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Hey, does anyone know if the ping pong thing is real? I’m gonna try it, but i dont want to get my hopes up…
January 14th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
None of these will get you as high as listening to a Joe Cotten song. Plus his guitar solos have been proven to burn fat, improve short-term memory, and give you free sandwiches. I’m just sayin’.
January 14th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Cracked is ripping off Married to the Sea now? Congrats. Maybe one day you can come up with your own material.
January 14th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I’m glad that Cracked has been referencing Mad Men more and more these days.
January 14th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I was prescribed Provigil as a long-acting ADHD medication. That stuff is nuts. I was awake for 72 hours at a time, only taking short naps here and there. You feel really productive and energized, but not in a jittery caffeine way. The first 48 hours are fine, but after that you do start to lose fine motor control. My notes from microbiology class on those days look like they were written by a speed freak in an earthquake.
I did experience an increase in blood pressure and pulse, usually only noticeable when I tried to lie down. As far as I can tell there were very limited, mild side effects.
I learned two things: I don’t have ADD, and Angel re-runs on TNT at 4:00 am are actually fairly entertaining.
Please don’t seek this drug illegally, whatever your motives. Altering your body’s chemistry is a very dangerous thing to do and can have serious, long-lasting side-effects. Just because I didn’t experience anything terrible, doesn’t mean you won’t or can’t.
January 14th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
No Cady, those are physical withdrawal symptoms due to changes in brain chemistry. As I said, this is not as severe as most other chemical dependencies. Read the research, it’s out there. I don’t need to debate any further.
January 14th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Maybe there is a really good reason to get that fight of filght around a pretty girl. Girls are fucking vicious beasts scarier than any lions and tigers and bears oh my. She just might rip out your heart with her stiletto all with a smile oh her face ( not me of course i dont want blood on my shoes). Listen to your body and run
January 14th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
what i want to know, except how to score modafinil, is who would win:
http://newscoma.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/bears-on-horses-500×374.jpg
January 14th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
BearMan, people become dependent on marijuana, not addicted to it. And if your toker buddy is dependent on it and doesn’t want to quit, of course he won’t be able to do it cold turkey. That does not prove it’s chemically addictive. It’s the exact same thing as your anorexic sister with no self-esteem who cannot be five minutes without her asshole boyfriend. She’ll have just as much trouble kicking him to the curb as any dope fiend does kicking his habit, not because she’s addicted to the loser, but because she’s dependent on him. Addiction and dependency are similar, but they are not the same.
January 14th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Other withdrawal symptoms include night sweats and vivid dreams since THC inhibits REM sleep, and thus the dreaming process.
January 14th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
I would totally do #5
January 14th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
@Spindle: You’re exactly right. A chronic user’s brain chemistry adjusts to the increased appetite and drowsiness with chronic use, so when you cut off a system that is now attempting to counteract such side effects, it’s off balance again for some time. Most of the symptoms wear off within a week or two for those that experience them.
January 14th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I have narcolepsy and used to take Provigil. People really trump this drug up, but for me it’s exactly like drinking three or four cappachino’s (same exact feeling/effect.) It’s very expensive and insurance often doesn’t cover it. I stopped taking the drug because it stopped working after 3 months. Nacrolepsy sucks.
January 14th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Ahaha weed addicts can’t sleep and eat less? Gee maybe its because weed makes you tired and hungry.
January 14th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Modafinil is a great drug for students, however, it gives you huge headaches after its effect wears off…
January 14th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Ah, yes, the old Tijuana Waterslide, heh, heh, how well I know thee…..wait, that’s made up? I, I knew that!! Great article– I’m most delighted by the mileage that continues to be culled from the lion/horse cavalry photo. I hope Santa brings me a poster of that for Xmas.
January 14th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Provigil was featured in Law & Order SVU last night so that was kind of cool learning about it twice.
I got a crush on the drug last night and now I think we may be soul mates!!!
Also, does that landscape always follow Jack O’Brien around?
Brockway is why I read Cracked.
January 14th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
I want Eugeroic perhaps more than anything that I have previously never heard of. I have always thought I could accomplish so much more if I didn’t have to sleep as much. It would be great to test it out and definitively prove whether I am right or just lazy. Sheesh! I would have breezed through college if I could have stayed awake nearly indefinitely.
January 14th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Modafinil has a big following on the poker circuit, too. Can’t imagine why: who could two-day alertness with no side effects help in a game of nerve and analysis that has 12-hour rounds?
January 14th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
WOW….I just read this on a hot forum on tall dating site ____Tallchat.com____ which is a hot dating site for all tall friends and tall singles.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I smell 4chan. >:3
January 14th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Marijuana actually can be addictive for chronic users…not so much as heroin, but still possible. There are a good number of studies that have reported withdrawal symptoms like insomnia and loss of appetite. I can prove it is addictive. If you know a three-times-daily toker, just challenge them to quit for the next month cold turkey…I’m sure it won’t be easy for them.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Hooooly shite I need to get me some Modafinil.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
“whether or not god is really like”
Reminds me of this time at band camp
January 14th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
OMFG, did you use a shot from “The Brain From Planet Aros”?!? Because if so, you are a god among comedy writers, Mr. Brockway.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I’m actually on propranolol for hypertension and it’s indeed true that it makes you just not give a shit. I wander about town looking like some redneck female version of Michael Myers and tell people to bite my ass if they look at me wrong. I just don’t give a fuck what people think lol.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Robert Brockway;
I didn’t dupe my doctor, he suggested it as a supplement to my anti-depressant; I am bipolar. If I WAS trying to dupe a doctor into getting drugs, of any kind, the risk-free way to do it would be to take what they give you for your imagined condition, say it doesn’t work, listing common side effects, state your worry that you’ll never be healthy, and pretend you don’t know what whatever you’re looking for is when your doctor is thinking about prescribing it. Good luck.
-eq
January 14th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
@ Jimmy Donahue–are you sure that’s just the music? Just curious.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Brockway, thanks for making me desperately want to score some Modafinil. I’ve never taken it and yet I now have cravings. Seriously, why isn’t that shit OTC yet?!
January 14th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
1) I already knew about all of them apart from no 1. Yay me!
2) On a side note to intelligence boosters: most people just use ritalin (usually for ADHD disorder) in combination with other drugs for neural enhancement. According to some scientific magazines scientists are striving for a better neural enhancer (a drug synthesized with that purpose) and possibly a legal one!
Also some neural enhancers speed up your metabolism (keeping you awake and wickedly alert) in some way.
Side effects of some neural enhancers that I know about: probably make you shit every ten minutes and get some ulcers on your legs later as your body attempts to clean itself of poisoning. And other stuff.
@meister: toxic epidermal necrosis means that you will get black ulcers that ooze puss on your body (probably your legs and lower body but who knows where else, from the stuff I know).
Generally if a drug doesn’t have side-effects it doesn’t do shit to your metabolism, apart from act as a placebo.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Yeah… my main problem with shrooms is the whole fungus shit. And also, the illegality. And (yes, there’s more), people have gotten high just from listening to Grateful Dead because when they space-jammed (they coined the term and should totally sue the ass of Warner Bros.) the aural sensation would fuck people’s mind’s up and have them literally see shit happening.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
[...] a new Cracked column up over here, basically telling you how to abuse commonly prescribed drugs to become a supervillain. If that [...]
January 14th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
adam_grif,
Listen man, I can accept the whole ’smarmy nitpicking’ thing that some commenters do, but at least read the fucking article. I clearly stated that it was all bullshit, and then mocked hippies for believing it in the first place.
It always pains me to see cracked commenters that attempt to use “WORDS” (TM) to critique articles, because in %99.99 of cases they get it wrong.
G-Stone,
Then why did you pose for ten of them, specifically telling me to shoot you from your “poon-trappin’” side?
boombalonga,
You almost have a point, but that’s why we carefully titled the article “ways to get high.” ‘High’ being a subjective term - you can get a ‘runner’s high’ for example - that just describes an altered state. It can apply to anything from hallucinating to just feeling smarter. And we titled it ‘ways to get high’ rather than than ‘things that get you high,’ because of the last one. Using it in conjunction with something is a way to get high, not a high on its own.
Technicalities, sure, but the titles are there for a reason.
John, EamonQuinn,
How did you get prescribed Modafinil? Not that I would ever dupe a doctor for illicit substances, of course, I’m just curious about how one would go about….duping a doctor for illicit substances.
Meister,
Who needs skin? Skin is for pussies.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I want some of that Modafinil, but i don’t really have an extra $180 lying around.
I’ll just stick to I-dose for now.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Hate to burst everyones bubble but apparently modafinil is not the wonderdrug it looks like…cuz it causes toxic epidermal necrolysis. thats rite TOXIC EPIDERMAL NECROLYSIS! doesn’t sound very fun to me, but hey, whatever floats your boat.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Altered States pic. Rad. I think I’ll try that today.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:52 am
“lengthy arguments about whether or not god is really like, this green and pink ball of light that you saw one time in the parking lot of the Circle K.”
Dude, everyone knows God is actually a gigantic kalaidescopic metaphysical octopus. Get your facts right.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Fantastic entry, Brockway. Your prose is as always witty and clever! I wanna try all of them save nr. 1, since it’s fucking with Endocananabiuoid or whateverthehellitwas.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:37 am
I used to work for Cephalon who manufactures Provigil (Modafinil). My dad used to work there too and had a scrip for it because he had sleep apnea. I took one and it’s true to what they described here….it’s awesome!
January 14th, 2009 at 11:12 am
“when you’re trying to tell a girl how beautiful her eyes are and your body is essentially still screaming “HOLY SHIT! LION! RUN!””
Well, that neatly encapsulates my entire four years of high school.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:12 am
It’s a nickname for heroin now, fucker!
January 14th, 2009 at 11:05 am
i dont’ see how #s 5 & 1 get you “high.” #5 just makes you able to say awake. but there’s no euphoria or hallucinations…you can just stay awake. That’s a lame “high.” And #1 just takes away the effects of other drugs, but doesn’t do anything to make you “high.” If I took that drug on it’s own, and it made me “high” then I guess it would deserve a place on the list, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. Quit padding your lists with things that don’t belong, Cracked writers.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Haha, I don’t fall asleep in front of trains, and yet I have provigil. Of course, there is the crippling manic depression, but ya take what ya get.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I’ve been on Provigil before. It’s everything you say i is. I am awake and alert and there’s no crash.
Awesome.
Oh, and you guys are so freaking hilarious I’ve almost crashed my car reading cracked on my phone.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:53 am
I did not give you permission to use that pick of me in the suit, Robert.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:47 am
drugs rock.hard.well the soggy endo does anyway.that is all.also.it was not god at the circle k.as anyone who is anyone knows,strange things are always afoot at the circle k.most likely rufus chasing the dragon.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Nice that you can’t see any negative effect of cannabis! There aren’t any, even the munchies are positive(well, as long as you can actually get food)!
Greetings from the Netherlands
January 14th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Binaural beats are pretty much totally debunked as being useful. Some of the rest if interesting, although exaggerated somewhat.
It always pains me to see cracked articles that attempt to use “SCIENCE” (TM), because in 99.99% of cases they get it wrong.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Move over, Narcoleptics! Your crippling affliction which causes you to fall asleep on the job can’t be near as important as this one dude trying to become chess champion!
Actually, what do they make this drug out of? If it’s common enough, they should slip it into the water supply, because an alert, smarter populace beats a lazy, ignorant populace hands down.
-A.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:10 am
I just really feel like this article is going to change my life…sorta
January 14th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Also, first.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Last caption nearly made me shit my pants with laughter. Great article, I want to try number 5…