5 Real Vehicles That Only Fictional Superheroes Should Drive

Although our particular brand of comedy rarely involves punching producers over catering issues, we here at Cracked are not exactly above fawning over magnificent automobiles. We have a loose series of vehicles that are street legal against all odds, and we've drunkenly dabbled in the art of buying a used car.

Me, I know jack shit about cars. However, I'm a world-renowned expert on shit I personally think should be used by superheroes, and also on drunkenly arguing that superheroes should be real. With that in mind, I have ventured deep into the alien nether-realm of automotive locomotion and emerged with a bunch of vehicles that I want to -- and will, damn you -- unleash on the unwary world in my ongoing attempt to turn your yard into my own, personal summer blockbuster. Give me my laser car fights in the sky, goddammit!

#5. Batmobiles, Batmobiles Everywhere

Ramin Talaie/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Click on the links in the intro, and you'll find at least one expertly made Batmobile that is completely street legal and entirely functional, apart from all the ground-to-air defense systems and armor and other Hollywood gear (as far as we know). However, that baby is far from the only one out there. Turns out, Batman is kind of popular, as is car customization. As such, there are so many badass Bat-cars out there, it's a wonder you don't bump into three every time you attempt to pocket park your Honda Civic.

To make things even better, the fluctuating-design nature of the comic/TV/movie Batmobiles ensure pretty much all of them are different, too. Here's a Tim Burton one from Comic-Con 2012:

Christopher Polk/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Go on, tell jokes about pocket parking now." -your Civic

If Bat-Keaton is not your jam, consider a more classic variation on the theme:

Christopher Polk/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Shark-repellent spray sold separately.

Perhaps a rat rod?

Telegraph
Sorry, bat rod.

And so on and so on. You get the idea. Punch "real-life Batmobiles" into Google and you'll find everything from Tumblers to Animated Series-inspired DIY projects to VW Beetles someone has painted black and slapped a bat-sticker on. Real Batmobiles, much like real beauty, come in all shapes, ages, and sizes.

The Hero We Need To Drive Them:

Both cinematic and comic book incarnations of Batman have toyed with the idea of an entire army of Batmen, all sworn to protect the peace with their own particular spin on the theme. We've already got the cars, so why not round up their owners and make them join forces, Batman Inc.-style. They'd be like a giant biker gang, only nicer, more popular with kids, and wearing a hell of a lot more leather.

Just keep in mind that when they inevitably make the ultra-gritty 1960s Batman reboot where Daniel Day-Lewis takes up Cesar Romero's mantle as Gloriously Mustachioed Joker, chances are he will mow his way through all of these guys in preparation for the role.

#4. All Sorts Of Amphibious Vehicles

Cartalk.com

A key element in a superhero's automotive arsenal is unpredictability, and assuming you don't have Bruce Wayne's multibillion resources or the aforementioned DIY Batmen's skills and dedication to customize your own super-attack car, few things are more surprising than adding water to the mix. Luckily, we live in the future, and there are plenty of amphibious vehicles on the market, ranging from stupid-looking bus-boat things to the clunky-yet-cool sportiness of the Hydra Spyder (pictured above) and the Jeepy functionality of the WaterCar Panther. We've already mentioned how the Rinspeed sQuba, a particularly badass Swiss sports car that doubles as a submarine, is more or less custom-made for aquatic supervillainy. However, its frankly heroic look and non-offensive function (unless you insist on mounting those torpedo guns) would also lend themselves extremely well to the opposite side of the super spectrum.

PHYS.org
"Well, the electric windows certainly seem to blblblblblb-"

The Hero We Need To Drive It:

If we're talking about real-life superheroes, we might as well address the elephant in the room. Phoenix Jones, the rubber-suited protector of Seattle, is a professional MMA fighter who has chosen to spend much of his available free time safeguarding his home turf vigilante-style, instead of indulging in some of the slightly ... less commendable activities of his colleagues. Despite this seemingly selfless dedication (and the fact that his gear is impressive as shit), Mr. Jones remains a sideshow figure in the eyes of the public instead of the Batman-like icon he'd be by now should we live in a comic book universe.

MYNorthwest
"Wait, we don't?"

Look, I don't know the guy personally, so I can't vouch that he's truly hot shit. I don't even really know his backstory, though I'm tempted to assume that it's at least somewhat tragic, in the way I tend to assume car wrecks involve at least one driving error. I'm definitely not saying he's infallible or even particularly heroic 100 percent of the time -- Cracked has already told you about the time he managed to fuck up both his hero cred and his civilian life big time by macing a bunch of drunk dancers by mistake.

However.

Whatever his faults may be -- playing a vigilante, doing so against the wishes of city officials, what have you -- this dude genuinely seems to want to make his community better and is putting a lot of time and effort into doing so while wearing a badass suit and inspiring others to do so in his wake. Think of his methods what you will, but there are plenty of admirable qualities in that line of thinking.

Look, the dude already has the suit and a certain amount of begrudging street cred. Just hook him up with his own Batmobile in the shape of a sQuba with a black-and-yellow color scheme, and see what he can do to, I don't know, the invasive species of Green Lake or whatever.

Because, Seattleites, when the inevitable megaquake and/or steaming mud sea turns your city into watery pudding, you're going to be glad to have your own superhero with amphibious abilities.

#3. The Vigilente

The Globe and Mail/Charles Bombardier

The Vigilente might not look like the coolest piece of work on this list -- let's be honest, it's basically the Segway of motorcycles, especially with that paint job. Yet, for the superhero that values practicality over flash, it's an essential purchase (once it gets past the prototype/concept stage, that is). It's the spinach of the cool car food cycle: good for you, but ewww.

Charles Bombardier
"Unless you're Popeye, in which case I do jack shit of what you expect."

The hook of the Vigilente is its maneuverability -- designed for the nigh-impossible-to-navigate streets of cities like Mumbai -- and its wireless mesh network that creates a closed, independent network with other Vigilente users, enabling them to communicate and record and share information around them. Designed to create a network of "real-life superheroes" patrolling India's cities to prevent violence on women, a Vigilente can reach areas a regular car can only dream of, its electric mode guarantees nigh-silent patrol, and its several cameras and a super-accurate GPS chip enable the user to record rock-solid proof of all crime and call for backup whenever something's amiss. If a physical altercation occurs, there is a fingerprint-protected pepper-spray canister system.

Not so shabby for a trike, huh?

The Hero We Need To Drive It:

The Vigilente is basically the Facebook of superhero vehicles -- it might not be the coolest thing out there, but its vast networking abilities make it a pretty essential tool for any up-and-coming superhero. That being said, you should probably invest in some spoilers and black paint if you want to impress the other heroes once you actually meet them -- rolling up to a crime scene on this thing and finding Justice League already there is like having a friend request accepted by your high school crush on the night you drunkenly changed your profile picture into Goatse.

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