It's one thing to suck at your job because you're just plain incompetent. Jobs are hard. While we don't necessarily want our heart surgeon to mistake our aorta for a tapeworm and cut it out while we slowly blood-starve to death, in the back of our rapidly withering mind, we'd understand. We knew it was a risk going in when he explained his cash-only policy and demanded that the surgery take place in his bathtub.
But when you're a well-trained, well-compensated professional and you know goddamn well how to do your job, and you still don't because you're too busy being a lazy, greedy, conniving, corrupt asswad, then that's a totally different story. The following people are exactly that.
#5. Firefighters Pay Other Firefighters To Firefight For Them So They Still Get Paid To Firefight While Not Actually Firefighting
Some days, you just don't want to work. I get that. You're sick, you're tired, a one-armed man killed your wife but the police are on your ass for it -- things happen. So you swap your shift with someone else, they get paid and you don't, but you get peace of mind and time to rest. Nothing wrong with that.
Everything is wrong, however, with what 13 Cleveland firefighters did from 2008 to 2010, setting up a scheme where they'd not only find other firefighters to cover their shifts for them but pay them to do so. One guy might pay another guy, say, $200 to cover eight hours of a 24-hour shift. And they weren't passing time by playing Arkham Asylum with one hand while polishing their hose with the other. Instead, they worked other jobs -- substitute teacher, construction, goat puncher -- while increasingly exhausted firescrubs covered for them at the station.
"Dammit, someone wake up Biff before he sleepwalks into the flames again."
Some of these side jobs were more lucrative than every real job your family's ever had combined -- one guy owned a construction company that regularly won big contracts with the city, and another made millions of dollars as one of the top real estate agents in the dadgum country -- in addition to the full salary and benefits unsuspecting taxpayers continued to gift them, like Santa catching dementia and spoiling everyone on the Naughty List.
So they made their money back real fast, and got credited like they were actually protecting Ohio from the flames of Hell, as opposed to quietly planning their getaway in case Satan ever decided to go Scorched Earth. One guy, working an hour for every two he sold, got credited with four training sessions he was too busy paving roads to attend. Another sub-taught while running a daycare, banking full arsonbuster pay despite working exactly one whole shift in two years. Buscemi wept.
And you do not want to piss off a man who's that good with an ax.
All in all, they sold at least 2,000 hours of work time, with Daddy Daycare selling a record 8,456 hours. Going by the "$200 for eight hours" figure mentioned earlier, he coughed up $210,400 over two-plus years because diapers and Caillou were preferable to choking on smoke and ash ... except for how Smoke and Ash Inc. drew him medical, dental, 401(k), IRA, NRA, MLB, and a slew of other neat-sounding benefits I'd love to see some day.
Finally, in 2011, internal audits exposed the scheme, and the offending firefighters were caught. All pleaded guilty to avoid jail time and, because no city wants to punish firefighters too much, lest they appear anti-heroism for even one millisecond, they were actually allowed to return to work. Plus, the city decided to eat the $384,000 they lost annually to these greedy moral-fuckers, because none of them had to pay back a penny of their ill-gotten booty.
I'm shocked they didn't get a few hundred bucks each for the inconvenience
of wasting their time in court.
One had to pay court costs, at least. So, if that's your definition of justice, then congratulations on your happy ending. For the rest of us, let's all sing along to that classic Cleveland chorus:
#4. Lab Company Bribes Doctors In Exchange For Totally Unnecessary Blood Work
Back in 2006, the big bosses at New Jersey's Biodiagnostic Laboratory Services decided to live like rock stars, only without doing anything to earn it. But instead of auditioning for The Voice like normal wannabes, they tracked down local doctors and bribed the snot out of them. In exchange for several thousand bucks a month, the doctors would run tests, do blood work -- all the usual Scrubs shit. Then, even if the result was "healthier than Carmen Miranda's hat," they'd recommend more tests and more blood work. Naturally, they'd always refer them to the good people at BLS -- Dr. Houses from top to bottom, those! Which was technically true, because Dr. House was an antisocial, morally bankrupt asshole.
NBCUniversal Television Distribution
Except this time, it's the doctors proving that everybody lies.
It gets eviler. In 2010, New Jersey started getting serious about labs and doctors not forming wink-wink alliances. Because if there's one thing Jersey politicians do not tolerate, it's corruption they can't profit from. No matter, though: BLS simply founded a half-dozen puppet companies that hired the doctors as consultants, so now it wasn't bribery -- it was legitimate payment. I wanted to overload that sentence with the Chris Farley quote marks it richly deserves, but that makes it really hard to type.
This scam allowed BLS to bill for $200 million over seven years, cash that literally anybody outside of child rapists deserved more. People like BLS President David Nicoll responsibly invested their share in luxury cars, penthouse suites, private jets, and every high-priced stripper Manhattan could muster. As for the doctors, they pocketed a combined $4 million in cash and prizes -- one dapper gent received $3,300 a month, plus more sports and concert tickets than StubHub. Countless unsuspecting patients lost time, money, and blood so this guy could see Justin Bieber and Katy Perry on somebody else's ... holy shit, he actually used blood money.
Tyson Trish / NorthJersey.com
He especially loved that one tune about a house of cards caving in.
In 2013, the FBI finally nabbed this band of merry Dr. Ozzes -- since then, roughly $11 million of the $200 million has been rescued and put into loving government homes. Parties have received anything from probation to several years in prison. David Nicoll and other BLG higher-ups face decades in prison, but, since they remembered to stock up on pricey lawyers along with the pricey cars and pricier women, they haven't yet been put away for a thing. Besides, if they go away, they might be unwilling to help the government track down the possible HUNDREDS of other doctors they bribed.
Yours might be one of them. Best draw your own blood from now on, just in case. Here's a guide to all the veins you should probably avoid.
#3. Detective Spends Workdays Decorating Her Office With Quotes Instead Of Solving Cases
Darrin Klimek/DigitalVision/Getty Images
And now for something completely different. Namely, justice.
Cristina Williamson wanted a mental health day after several hard years of detective work. Understandable, except she took way too many of them. While at work. While not working. While faking that she was working. While crimes went unsolved and innocent people suffered.
Back in 2011, Williamson reviewed her paltry $76,000 salary -- barely enough to afford 230,000 bricks of Ramen -- and concluded putting her ass on the line for truth and justice wasn't worth it anymore. But since finding a new job is hard work, she didn't quit, opting instead for a much sneakier solution. Her boss sent her five assignments -- for crimes such as burglary, identity theft, and embezzlement -- and she closed each case in 0.0 seconds simply by not reading the email.
Like how boot camp recruits don't have to pushups if they cover their ears and go
LALALALALALALALA whenever the drill sergeant shouts.
With tons of sudden spare time, Williamson devoted herself to decorating her office with page after page of those dumbass affirmational quotes your Facebook friends slap on their walls in lieu of anything original to say. Shit like "They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I say what doesn't kill me should live in fear!!!" And "Knocking me down is the easy part. If you want to keep me there, you're going to need backup!" The kind of shit a bipolar 14-year-old kid writes during one of their more manic upswings.
She probably also has a tattoo on her foot that secretly means "unending bowel movement."
The sheer power of these words (no doubt accompanied by a pissed-off Daffy Duck for no good reason) motivated her to ... continue not working at all. None of the cases went investigated, unless you count the one 38-second phone call she placed to a burglary victim. That barely-there conversation was enough for Williamson to report the victim didn't want to press charges -- thus, the case was dropped while she banked just as much bread as if she had captured El Chapo himself. Until about a year later, that is, when an actual hard-working sergeant read her microscopic phone records, got suspicious, called the victim, and found that, duhhh, of course they wanted to press charges. Almost immediately, they found the burglar, arrested and charged them, and Williamson was officially knocked down and kept there.
The most slam-dunk investigation of all time exposed the zero work Williamson had put into those five cases, and she was sacked without hesitation. She earned herself a year of probation and will probably lose her police certification. Just in case some podunk small-town force gets so desperate to stick shiny badges on warm bodies they'd actually consider hiring her for literally anything.
Daniel Deitschel/iStock/Getty Images
"Look, we may hilariously fuck up on the daily, but at least we're working when we fuck up."