It takes a lot to make a great thing. You need to identify the task it's intended to perform, figure out the best way to achieve this, and then build it so it will perform well, look good, and preferably not outright bankrupt your ass. That's why things like iPods, Facebook, and, hell, the wheel (the round thing, not some cool social network you've never heard of) enjoy such an iconic status; they've managed to tap into what people need and give it to them in a brand-new, more efficient way.
But we're not here to talk about successful products, are we? We're here for the ... other ones. The products that manage to not only suck at their intended use but actually actively drag down the very concept they revolve around. I've ranted about a few of these things before, and it's finally time for Round 2.
5The Diet Product That Ruins Eating
Goofy diet products might be largely bullshit, but no matter how crazy they get, at least they all more or less honestly focus on you, the person trying to get slimmer. They don't actively attempt to attack the outside world by trying to destroy the very idea of ever shoving delicacies in your face hole again. Well, unless you count Stink Yourself Slim, a dieting product that does precisely that.
Yes, someone made a product, tried their level best to come up with a catchy, marketable name, and settled for Stink Yourself Slim. Is that sad? Funny? I don't even know. What I do know is that the product takes the "few things are desirable after a skunk has nested there for a week" approach to dieting, by which I mean it's a spray that works by making your kitchen smell like ass. Though this is no doubt an effective method for making you less hungry, it must be noted that so is getting disemboweled by a rabid grizzly bear. Bazookas and mosquitoes, people.
"Actual product packaging and materials may contain more and different information than what is shown on our website."
-Real quote from disclaimer
Hilariously labeled under "Health And Personal Care" on Amazon, the actual workings of Stink Yourself Slim are as arcane as the strange skunk demons that planted the idea of this fucking thing in its inventor's head. Apparently, you're supposed to collect every single "dangerous" food item you own into a specific closet, which you then spray with the product.
Having effectively ruined your entire Netflix-binge stash, you will then proceed to lose all the weight because the closet now smells bad. How? It's a mystery! Perhaps the product contains some mystical chemical that renders you unable to, say, walk out of your freshly funky kitchen and go eat an entire McDonald's restaurant, or maybe the idea is to collect everyone's fattening snacks into your brand-new Skunk Closet so there will be none left in the world for you to chow down on. I'm going to presume the latter, if only because you're bound to lose a bunch of weight fighting back the pissed-off neighbors whose Snickers stash you just hijacked into your taint-stench-laced kitchen.
4The Lozenge That Ruins Candy
Luis Alvarez/iStock/Getty Images
You sweat, I sweat, everyone sweats. Work in a hot office for long enough and you'll be able to recognize your co-workers by their eau du armpit alone. That's why deodorants are and will likely forever remain among the highest sellers in the world of cosmetics -- you can look as hot as you like, but ain't no one going to give you a second glance if your every movement is closely tailed by G'horrag, the Elder God of nasty-ass perspiration. Not in the way you hope, anyway.
The problems with deodorants are plentiful and vary with the brand and type: Some leave you a sticky mess that might not stink but remains unappealing, others do jack shit to your sweat save for giving it a slight aroma of whatever the hell scent you erroneously think will improve your pit situation (pituation), and others leave you smelling like Axe Body Spray, which is the most frightening fate of them all. Luckily, the good folks behind Deo Perfume Candy offer another approach to your urgent sweat situation. Unfortunately, their solution is to make you eat your damn deodorant.
And buy it in a packaging that makes it look like tampons, to complete the embarrassment joyride.
Here's how it works, allegedly: The geraniol in the candy will get in your system, come out your pores, and make you smell like a rose, which is a delightful thing if you're a candy-obsessed housewife but slightly less desirable if you're a biker. The practicalities of the thing are another matter: A Popular Science writer tried to test Deo Perfume Candy back in 2013 and completely failed to summon a rosy scent of any kind. What she did find, however, is that, for what it's worth, the candy only stands a chance at working if you consume four or more large pieces a day. This wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that these particular candies are fucking lozenges. This will essentially turn you into your own toothless grandmother, constantly sucking on a piece of nigh insoluble sweet-rock that will slowly OD you with sugar.
As a result, the product's modus operandi is to slowly poison your face with candy while its chemicals conspire to turn your pores into those of a Disney princess. Does this sound enticing? It doesn't; just ask that PopSci writer. She lasted three days out of her intended seven before she grew sick of the very concept of eating candy. Oh, and she never once smelled of roses.