#2. Michonne from The Walking Dead
I think we can all agree that The Walking Dead, especially after its Season 3 ultra killings, deserves a place on this list. Indeed, the hardest part was picking just one person from the show to crown as king zombie killer. Perhaps it's Merle, who lost a hand and carried on kicking ass. Maybe it's his brother, Daryl, who is a sure shot with a crossbow and an expert hunter and tracker. But at the end of the day, I think we have to agree it's Michonne, who samurai swords her way to justice. Any character who domesticates zombies has to reign supreme. The woman has pet zombies, made safe by her removal of their arms and jaws. She also has the balls to stand in a sea of zombies waiting for admittance to the Season 3 prison. I'm not being figurative. She was covered in so much zombie guts in that scene, I'm assuming balls got in there somewhere. Also (in case you're the type of close reader who likes to detect themes in silly list-based articles), with the exception of #1 on our list, she's one of the few zombie hunters I personally describe as "sexually exciting."
Please own me, Michonne, but let me keep the hands and jaw. I'm going to need them.
Post-Apocalyptic Career: Benihana Chef
This one's a gimme. That girl is fine with a blade, and other than selling Ginsu knives on TV, Benihana chef is the obvious choice. True, I don't see her making many funny Benihana-type jokes (rolling the egg on the table and saying "egg roll"), but that's a small loss when your chef is a master bladesman and smoking hot. Actually, forget the bladesman stuff. Michonne is so hot that I'd gladly watch her work a butter knife on some toast.
#1. Alice from Resident Evil
Well, now that I've lost all credibility through perversity, let's turn to #1. I can hear you already: "Oh, sure, he's sticking Alice at #1 just because Milla Jovovich is hot." First of all, as I just mentioned, I can hear you. That's right: Not only do I write subjective zombie lists, but I am a full-blown mentalist, so watch those thoughts! But more importantly, I was just being facetious before. Yes, Alice and Michonne are lovely ladies, but make no mistake -- their zombie-killing badassery is why they're at the top of the list.
Still, I had to find a reason to distinguish #1. What would make Alice the biggest badass zombie killer of all? Oddly enough, what sets Alice apart is that she manages to do battle with zombies and something far worse at the same time: capitalists. Yes, in addition to the zombies who seek to eat her, Alice must bring down the Umbrella Corporation -- an entity that makes Enron look like a bunch of Peace Corps volunteers. So sure, Michonne can cut the arms and jaws off zombies, but call me when she can domesticate a foul beast like Donald Trump. Advantage Alice.
Laura Cavanaugh / Getty
Although who's to say that Trump isn't filled with consumed human flesh, in the same way that he's full of so many other things.
Post-Apocalyptic Career: Gladstone's Personal Assistant
Yeah, I know, you were all ready to see "venture capitalist" or "CEO" or even "class-action lawyer" bringing strike suits against capitalist injustice. But here's the thing. This is a very, very, very silly list. And I am the author of this very, very, very silly list, so why would I feel the need to adhere to logic when I could just, y'know, spend a few minutes daydreaming about the sexiest, badassiest zombie killer bringing me a Starbucks? Now you're wondering, if I've already abandoned all rules and logic, why I've made Alice my personal assistant instead of my post-apocalyptic sex slave. Maybe it's because I respect women, you misogynistic pig!
Also, if you're reading this on an iPhone, you can click this link and follow the stupid 4 second movies Gladstone makes on Vine.