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There's a famous saying that goes, "the reason it's a cliche is because it's true." Well, that saying like the five that follow, sucks. There are many reasons cliches exist and most of them have to do with humans being a pathetically unimaginative species, desperately clinging to any perceived aphorism in the hope that it will bring comfort or create the illusion of intelligence. Here are the five I hate most.

Say What You Want About Mussolini; At Least The Trains Ran On Time

What It's Supposed To Mean

Although some profess that this cliche is now merely a cynical expression of good things happening in terrible circumstances, I only hear it uttered by angry and fatigued commuters dying for a powerful man to set their travel schedule right.

Why I Hate It

No one can deny that Benito Mussolini was a fascist, a Nazi ally, and a proponent of censorship and propaganda. But, apparently, all that was a small price to pay for the 8:32 out of Venice always running on time! Somehow, there was a direct correlation between torturing political opponents and getting someone else off to work on schedule.

So why limit this cliche to just Mussolini when clearly fascism is the key to this success? Just look how reliably those trains carted Jews off to Auschwitz! And I'm sure if Cambodia had anything resembling a railroad system, Pol Pot's mass murder would have assured prompt delivery of countless corpses to mass graves. Well, it should be noted that the first thing wrong with this cliche is it's complete bullshit. Mussolini was better at propaganda than train propulsion. And should that be so hard to believe? I mean, when you're hanging out, stalled on the tracks do you really think the problem is that we have a political system based in representative government, featuring checks and balances? Look, I hate being trapped on a train with no air conditioning as much as my fellow commuters, but rarely am I struck by the wish, "please, Lord. Just get this train running and come November, I'll be sure to renounce my right to vote!"

The Exception That Proves The Rule

What It's Supposed To Mean

Ignore that thing that disproves my theory; It only proves my theory!

Why I Hate It

Most of the entries on this list are here because they actually represent an idea or conviction that I find offensive, but this one is just stupid. The exception that proves the rule is an Alice-in-Wonderlandian leap in twisted logic, claiming that something that breaks a pattern merely reveals the existence of a pattern. Well, sure that might be true, if you don't understand...anything. Let's say I have some marbles arranged in what seems to be a pattern. Red, Black, Blue. Red, Black, Blue. Red, Black, GREEN. Some might say, "Well, I see a pattern establishing a rule: 'a blue marble will always follow red and black marbles. Oh, and that green one? Well, it's the exception that proves the rule." Thank you, Professor, but actually, it's the first six marbles that exhibit a pattern - not the green one. The green one is at best an aberration to be disregarded and, at worst, proof that there is no pattern. Meaning your rule is, um, what's the word? Wrong.

I have no proof, but this expression seems like it was written by some insufferable blowhard who's terrible in bed: "All the women who have sex with me experience multiple orgasms. Oh you didn't? You must be the exception that proves the rule." " I never experience erectile dysfunction. Oh, my penis is presently retracted like a scared turtle in midwinter? Must be the exception that proves the rule." "No, I never need to imagine a young Alec Baldwin in Hunt for Red October to achieve orgasm when I'm with a lady. Oh, I screamed out 'sink me with your torpedo, Jack Ryan,' during my climax? Hmm. Must be the exception that proves the rule."

(Editor's note: despite the historical meaning of this phrase, this column is addressing the foolishness of how this expression has come to be used.)
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TL;DR

What It's Supposed To Mean

I didn't read this because it's too long.

Why I Hate It

I could have written about any number of internet cliche. "Fail," for example. It's overused and usually bandied about by idiots. But the thing is, some things actually do fail in their execution. There are situations where the term is appropriate, even if pathetically conveyed. Not true for TL;DR. TL;DR is never right. Yes, some things are too long, but in order to figure that out, there's something you have to do first: read it. Only then can you say whether the presentation lasted longer than the idea. Too long; wish I didn't read (or "TL;WIDR") would make sense, but that's about it.

But what irks me most about TL;DR is that people who use it have no shame. No one is perfect. We all have failings, but we're supposed to be ashamed of them. We're supposed to keep our sins and shortfalls in a dark place we hope no one ever finds. "Fuck that," says the Internet. "I'm functionally retarded, and I don't care who knows it! Words? Gay. Who reads words? Sounds pretty lame." So go ahead; keep using "TL;DR." Just know that it is not an abbreviation for "too long; didn't read," but, instead, "hi, I am a miserable cretin of the Internet that must be spoon-fed pictures and factoids or I will piss myself." You might be the type of person who disagrees that that's what it means, but trust me, it's what everyone who's smarter than you is thinking. And since you're not so big on reading, that's a lot of people.

Note: Internet commenting all-stars, yes you can merely LOOK at some text and DECIDE not to read it. But aside from the mere flippant, trollish use of TL;DR, the phrase is meant to convey that something is not WORTH your time to read. It is a value assessment based in assumption and also without any trace of shame.

If X Sucks Then How Come It's So Successful

What It's Supposed To Mean

Anything that's popular must be good, and, therefore, any criticism is unjustified.

Why I Hate It

Do I have to explain? Well, I guess I do because people say this all the time. I did an episode of Hate By Numbers on Black Eyed Peas and although it was met with much rejoicing, countless people hit me with this logic in comments. So first off, let me respond by saying, "ha, ha, you're a BEP fan. You suck." O.K., moving on.

How could something that's popular suck? How could it not? In order for something to be a success, lots of people have to like it. And people suck. Lots of people, doubly so. There aren't enough qualified connoisseurs of music or art or literature to make something a hit. In order to be huge, morons must necessarily get on board too. Does that mean that anything that's popular, must suck? Of course, not. You have Shakespeare, The Beatles, and Citizen Kane. You can be great and popular. But popularity itself is not the test of greatness. Don't believe me? Well, let me prove it to you. The year is 1969 and, speaking of the Beatles, the Fab Four release Abbey Road, arguably their best album. And even if you forget about the Beatles, in 1969 you had Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, and Led Zeppelin. A cultural revolution. And do you know what the number one song of 1969 was? The song that the most people bought and wanted to listen to? Sugar Sugar by The Archies. Yeah, explain that one away. Must be the exception that proves the rule? Choke on this:

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Everything Happens For a Reason

What It's Supposed To Mean

All this suffering is part of a cosmically divine plan.

Why I Hate It

I suppose this cliche wouldn't be intolerable if it were merely meant to be taken literally. Everything does happen for a reason. People die young because they get hit by trains or get cancer. People are maimed and disfigured in wars because of bombs. I mean, if that's all this cliche were trying to convey then it would just be vaguely annoying. You'd assume the speaker were just some mental deficient who says things like "water is wet," "ice cream is yummy," or "Tosh is funny."

But the annoying thing about this phrase is that the speaker believes he/she has some inside track to God or Fate or whatever mystic unseen hand controls the universe. As if there is a power and that power decided there was an actual reason to inflict a newborn baby with Trisomy 18 or have a woman get gang raped. And given the existence of this rational force --that operates only with justification and reason-- who are you to question why someone ravaged your wife, or blew apart your son, or took your leg? This cliche insists that either happy endings always exist ("see, they never would have found that tumor, unless they were repairing that machete wound to your abdomen") or if there is no happy ending for you then your suffering was part of some greater plan that benefited another ("don't be sad that you were imprisoned for twenty years by a racist jury for a crime you didn't commit, I mean, think about the valuable lesson you've taught us about bias in criminal juries!) I'm not saying all suffering is random and pointless, or that nothing good can ever come out of a bad situation, but the arrogance that comes from the belief that tragic events are always justified as part of a larger plan is just intolerable. I don't know why bad things happen, but I do know that no one who throws this cliche around knows either. So to everyone keeping this miserable expression alive, please leave people to their misery and save your cliche for yourself the next time you're walking in the woods and step into a bear trap after getting shot in the eye by a drunken hunter.

... calm down. This picture isn't real.
Next week, a new installment of Notes from the Internet Apocalypse is coming so catch up, starting here. You can also keep up with the latest Internet Apocalypse news on Facebook. And/or follow Gladstone on Twitter. And then there's his site and fan page.
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