One of the most surprising things you learn when you own a pet is all of the follow-up work you have to do on it. It's not enough just to have one, you have to feed it, wash it, look at it, pet it, and help it poop (swear to God most animals can't even take care of their own poops). You thought just buying it (or finding it!) already made you a hero, and now you have to do all of this bonus work? Thanks for nothing, Obama.
Luckily, if caring for your pet is the lowlight of your day, and the highlight is when they go away so you can concentrate on drinking, the good people at Heartless Money-Sucking Corporations, Inc., have the products for you. Invest in any of the following, and your dream of minimizing interaction with that annoying furball your kid adores for some reason can finally come true.
Poop is pretty funny; we can all agree on that. It becomes far less funny, however, when your dog poops all over the place and you have to deal with it. Picking it up, throwing it away, training the flea-bitten varmint to not do that on the dinner table anymore -- it's all such a very big hassle.
Luckily, we've evolved to the point where we now have the Pootrap! I apologize in advance if I lose some of my readers here, but I'm going to be using some technical, industry language to describe what this intricate and fairly complicated piece of modern technology actually does:
It's a bag you wrap around your dog's asshole so they can shit in it.
That must just sound like some fancy, scientific mumbo jumbo to you, but I guess in Layman's terms, the Pootrap is a strap that you hook to your dog so a plastic bag hangs under the part of the dog where the poop comes out (it's usually toward the back). As it's walking around and doing its animal thing, it can pretty much shit whenever and wherever, and you don't have to do a damn thing. It's as easy as one, two- Oh shit, the dog ran away.
The marketing is pretty blatant, directly targeting dog owners who would rather deal with anything else than their own damn dog. Don't believe me? Their website all but admits it by emphasizing the many ways Pootrap makes your life easier, without one mention of how it makes the dog happy:
"No annoyance too minor, no excuse too lame."
The rainy day blurb is probably the worst. Look, dogs aren't made out of cotton candy, and they can actually handle a bit of bad weather. They may not be smart enough to engineer their own poop bag, but they know enough to know that too much poop is poison for dogs, so they're fine with shitting outside even if it's raining. Some dogs do most of their pooping in unfavorable weather conditions, because some dogs are wild animals and were not designed to have garbage bags strapped to their butts.
Now I know what you're thinking: Sure, dogs can poop in bags, but what about other things with butts? You're in luck, person I am in no way interested in ever meeting! If you have a horse and are tired of it shitting all over the place like it's some kind of damn horse, you can part with $300 and purchase the Stablemaid. It's basically the same thing, only less baggy. It'll keep your stable clean so you can work less and focus on more important things, like how now your horse looks like it has a green armor dick.
"My father was Secretariat!"
(Anyone who thought based on the title that this was a dog shirt that shoots armor should stop reading right now. The truth blows.)
You know how some pets get scared of loud noises? You should crush them until they stop panicking.
Yes, the particularly lazy among us are turning to the Thundershirt, perhaps the most passive manner of pet anxiety control this side of blatantly ignoring the animal and rolling your eyes until it stops whining. At its most basic, you're sticking your pet in a blood-pressure monitor that squeezes their body, which is supposed to soothe them in times of stress and fear. The Thundershirt hugs them until their little heart stops pounding and their fear goes away, leaving both of your hands free to eat Cheetos twice as fast.
Who's a good junk food? You are! Yes, YOU are! You're a good junk food.
And if it's not enough that the Thundershirt is a symbol of laziness, it's also likely detrimental to your dog. As we've shown in the past, doing anything different during a bad situation, whether it be comforting, cooing, hugging, or running around like a maniac cursing God for the hell He hath wrought upon your humble abode, only serves to confuse your pet and reinforce their fears. So whether you stroke your pet while humming a lullaby, or simply slap a squeezy shirt on it, you're fucking the animal up. But at least the former shows you care.
Oh, and don't believe their website when they show pictures of cats wearing their product. Bullshit; you might get a dog to wear this thing, because a dog will do whatever you want. But a cat? Good luck. By the time they're done clawing your brains out for even attempting it, you'll be a quivering, shaky mess, and you might as well wear the Shirt yourself.
"Your human world is dying. Every day you suck this planet dry you arrange your own demise. Meow. Meow."
Most us like it when our kitty is lying on or near us, happily purring away. Or hungrily purring away. Or nervously purring away. Or dying-ly purring away. Point is, the purr sounds nice, and it's one of the only good things about stupid fucking cats.
Well, what if you're not a fan of touching the cat but still want to know when it's purring, just because you like to know these things? The Purrfect Mood Detector is for you, freakshow! It's a collar that senses when your cat is purring, and then lights up accordingly. So now, clear across the room, you get to know that your cat is making a sound. You can then use that information to do something useful or affectionate, or maybe you'll just throw a bunch of cash in your fireplace, because apparently money means nothing to you, Mr. "How Much Can I Charge Someone To Tell Me What My Cat Is Doing."
And if it lights up blue, the cat's mood is "When death comes for all as it will and as it must, no one will mourn you."
Although to be honest, everything in that last paragraph should have been in past tense, as the Purrfect Mood Detector was discontinued back in 2006. There's no information anywhere as to why it doesn't exist anymore, which officially makes this the only cat-related thing that the Internet gives no shits about. Maybe all the people who used it died? Considering they were too lazy to pet a kitty, scratch behind its ears, and listen or feel for the purr, a slew of obesity-related heart attacks is not out of the question.