#2. This Man Really Wants to Be Your Old Teeth and Used Prosthetics Guy
The natural question when you find out someone is selling another person's dentures and crowns online is "Hey, where did you get all those dentures and crowns?" But if the answer could potentially be "From an old mental asylum, of course," are you sure you'd still want to know? Because that's exactly where this seller claims to have gotten all of his teeth, teeth he now wants you to have.
I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but these belonged in another human being's mouth, a crazy person, and now they can be yours to own. If that's not particularly unsettling to you, then maybe you'd also be interested in buying one of the prosthetic legs or old medical braces of which he fell into possession.
He's is more cagey about how he acquired these gems, or where the legless man from the picture may be buried, but it doesn't seem wise to pry. A quick scan of his Etsy page reveals that all proceeds go to helping him take care of feral cats, and also he intentionally took these pictures of himself:
That's him modeling a leather collar he found and that you could own for only $14.90. I don't know what it is about serial killers and plastic animal masks, but they really know how to milk as much terror as possible from harmless objects. Is that covered in some introductory course for mass murder? That kind of thing must exist, right? There's no way he took a picture like this one if he didn't come from the same murder school as that Canadian photographer.
#1. This Nice Woman Is Offering Mystery Boxes of Animal Sheddings and Doll Eyes
Working in the same vein as the man who sells the faces of coyotes, this woman offers hunks of different species: beetle wings, sea urchin spines, spent cocoons, and all types of bird feathers. But in addition, she has whole piles of doll eyes for sale. These eyes were pried out of the heads of dolls, or out of the mud from collapsed doll factories, so you can be certain they've seen at least one tragedy in their lives.
But easily the most troubling item she offers is called the "Magical Mystery Box" of "Curious Supplies." She promises that it will include all the supplies a normal person could want, like rodent bones and birds eggs, but also whatever she has laying around that she can pack into the box. If you're wondering what a serial killer might have laying around, here's the picture that accompanies the mystery box:
So I ordered it four days ago. I still haven't received the package, and I honestly have no idea if I will actually get a piece of a puppy or something even more startling. But regardless of what falls out of the mystery box, I fully intend to douse it all in hot glue and build something horrible in honor of the woman who sold me the parts. Oh, and if you never hear from me ever again, keep an eye out for my fingernails and teeth on Etsy. I'll be furious if you pay anything less than $30 for them.