Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

I like to challenge myself in terms of creativity, to make sure my mind stays sharp. One of the ways I do this is by looking at films and figuring out how I can improve upon them. "How can I creatively fix this film," I'll ask myself.

I also like to challenge myself in terms of laziness, to make sure my mind never gets too uppity. To that end, I looked at a bunch of movies that are out right now and tried to figure out how to fix them by doing the least amount of work possible. "How can I improve this film by only changing one word in the title?"

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

A woman with a dragon tattoo (Rooney Mara), solves mysteries with a guy (Daniel Craig), in the snow, and there's a lot of nudity, but not the kind that you feel good about seeing.

Becomes ...

If you had asked me if I wanted to see a movie where a tattooed woman covered in piercings solves murder mysteries with the help of a Star Wars planet full of dragons, I would ask you how you'd gotten a hold of my boner's dream journal.

We Bought a Zoo

A Google Image Search of this movie's title brings up the following image from TheFilmStage:

Sure, both of those actors are in the movie, but holy crap that's the most misleading image for a film about zoos I've ever seen. Based on that image, I'd say this movie was about Jason Bourne going after the whole government while Scarlett Johansson challenges the tissue and hand lotion industries to compete with the impossible demand that her scantily clad appearance will surely create. Instead, the movie is about Matt Damon buying a zoo and it looks like something wacky happens with a porcupine. You should see this if that sounds like the kind of movie you're into, but why would it be?

Also, every poster for this movie leads with "From the director of Jerry Maguire." That doesn't mean you didn't make Elizabethtown, Cameron Crowe. Nothing will ever mean that.

Becomes ...

Boom! I don't even care if this is the stupidest thing I've ever done, I would really like to see another Zoolander movie. I don't know what Scarlett Johansson would do, but even if her involvement doesn't extend beyond that image of her on the poster, I'd still call it a win.

Continue Reading Below

War Horse

Here's what I hate about every trailer for this movie: They always lead off with "The inspiring story of a horse you simply won't believe" or "Follow the unbelievable journey." Really, trailer? Because I've seen movies where horses talked. Like, right at the people riding them, and I totally bought it. Is your thing any more unbelievable than that? Mr. Ed raised the bar for incredible horse stuff about 50 years ago, so maybe pump the brakes before you start throwing "unbelievable" around.


Becomes ...

I didn't even change a word, I just organized them better. This one would be about horses fighting each other! Benedict Cumberbatch could still be in it, because he rules, but I don't imagine there's a lot of room for any other human characters. Certainly not in the script I put together (a series of drawings of horses riding in tanks).

A Dangerous Method

Maybe you think this movie looks good. It's about Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud hanging out being geniuses, right around the time that Jung gets into some pretty dark and controversial territory by carrying on a sexual relationship with one of his patients. Maybe it's that perfect combination of sex and psychiatry that most movies lack that's got you excited for this movie. The trailer even looks pretty good, but I still can't endorse it, because this movie was directed by David Cronenberg, who directed A History of Violence, a movie I foolishly saw in theaters with my mother. If any of my readers don't know why that would be uncomfortable, you obviously haven't seen the movie or fell asleep during one of the many uncomfortably brutal sex scenes. (Or you have a really, really close relationship with your mother.)

I will never forgive you, Cronenberg.

Becomes ...

Literally anything. "Method" is the least-threatening word that could possibly follow "Dangerous." I was so on board with this movie from the first two words, and then they blew it with "method." I offer some alternatives.

Or even ...

Wouldn't that be a good movie? An experimental form of therapy that's filled with scorpions! Spooooky. And I bet no one would have to watch Viggo Mortenson and Maria Bello sixty-nining each other with their mother in that movie.

Continue Reading Below

The Darkest Hour

In The Darkest Hour, aliens who feed on electricity (or something) invade earth, and it's up to five young friends to save the world. It looks like just about every other crappy alien invasion movie that's come out in the last few years except it features Emile Hirsch, who usually makes good movies, and Olivia Thirlby, who I would like to go on several dates with.

Still, there's room for improvement.

Becomes ...

I mean ... obviously, right?

Daniel O'Brien is Cracked.com's Senior Writer (ladies), and he would also like to pitch a crossover sequel involving A Dangerous Method and Young Adult called Jung Adult (people who make movies).

Check out more from Dan in 5 Tips for Making an Impression At Your First Sex Party and 7 Workouts For Firming You Up And Creeping Everyone Else Out.

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments