I like to challenge myself in terms of creativity, to make sure my mind stays sharp. One of the ways I do this is by looking at films and figuring out how I can improve upon them. "How can I creatively fix this film," I'll ask myself.
I also like to challenge myself in terms of laziness, to make sure my mind never gets too uppity. To that end, I looked at a bunch of movies that are out right now and tried to figure out how to fix them by doing the least amount of work possible. "How can I improve this film by only changing one word in the title?"
#5. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
A woman with a dragon tattoo (Rooney Mara), solves mysteries with a guy (Daniel Craig), in the snow, and there's a lot of nudity, but not the kind that you feel good about seeing.
If you had asked me if I wanted to see a movie where a tattooed woman covered in piercings solves murder mysteries with the help of a Star Wars planet full of dragons, I would ask you how you'd gotten a hold of my boner's dream journal.
#4. We Bought a Zoo
A Google Image Search of this movie's title brings up the following image from TheFilmStage:
Sure, both of those actors are in the movie, but holy crap that's the most misleading image for a film about zoos I've ever seen. Based on that image, I'd say this movie was about Jason Bourne going after the whole government while Scarlett Johansson challenges the tissue and hand lotion industries to compete with the impossible demand that her scantily clad appearance will surely create. Instead, the movie is about Matt Damon buying a zoo and it looks like something wacky happens with a porcupine. You should see this if that sounds like the kind of movie you're into, but why would it be?
Also, every poster for this movie leads with "From the director of Jerry Maguire." That doesn't mean you didn't make Elizabethtown, Cameron Crowe. Nothing will ever mean that.
Boom! I don't even care if this is the stupidest thing I've ever done, I would really like to see another Zoolander movie. I don't know what Scarlett Johansson would do, but even if her involvement doesn't extend beyond that image of her on the poster, I'd still call it a win.
#3. War Horse
Here's what I hate about every trailer for this movie: They always lead off with "The inspiring story of a horse you simply won't believe" or "Follow the unbelievable journey." Really, trailer? Because I've seen movies where horses talked. Like, right at the people riding them, and I totally bought it. Is your thing any more unbelievable than that? Mr. Ed raised the bar for incredible horse stuff about 50 years ago, so maybe pump the brakes before you start throwing "unbelievable" around.
I didn't even change a word, I just organized them better. This one would be about horses fighting each other! Benedict Cumberbatch could still be in it, because he rules, but I don't imagine there's a lot of room for any other human characters. Certainly not in the script I put together (a series of drawings of horses riding in tanks).