5 Meaningless Words That Trick You Into Buying Bad Food

#2. "Select"


As Seen on Packages Of:

Safeway Select Frozen Cheese Enchiladas, 7-Eleven Select Hot Dog Potato Chips, Select Pesto Sauce, Campell's Select Harvest Vegetable Soup, Meijer Creamy Select Frosting

Welcome to the future. Gone are the days when you have to choke down regular old frozen dinners just because "that's what everyone else eats" or "they're FDA approved." This meal has been selected and customized exclusively for your consumption. You like butter? We already knew that, and that's why we included a bunch of it. Hate metal filings? Again, we've been paying attention and ensured that this frozen dinner wouldn't even approach noticeable levels. You're welcome. The selection process was rigorous -- we sorted through hundreds of thousands of ingredients we could have potentially used, and we discarded nearly every single one that was toxic and/or inedible. So what actually made the cut for this product? Hand-picked stuff, we already told you. Stop asking so many questions. It's not like it's horse. It's not like it's 100 percent horse. There are tons of ingredients that aren't horse.

George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Gelatin, for instanc- Sorry, never mind.

Just for the record, though, it wouldn't be illegal for us to put horse in it. "Select" has a specific meaning for grades of meat, but you're not buying a slab of bison, you're buying fried hunks of potato flavored like a hot dog. We could put anything we want in it, but the point is, we didn't. So stop being rude and eat it.*

*May contain trace amounts of whey, nuts, and horse.

#1. "Premium"


As Seen on Packages Of:

Imperial Garden Premium Quality Microwaveable Eggrolls, Crosse and Blackwell Premium Ham Glaze, S & W Premium Whole Kernel Corn, Hungry Jack Premium Hashbrown Potatoes, Moran's Wholesome Purity Premium Frozen Beef Patties

Who would choose to eat dehydrated hash browns when they could eat opportunity instead? Who would choose to coat a ham in glaze when they could coat it in a better quality of life? Not you, that's for sure, because right now you hold in your hands both a product and potential. That "Premium" label is no mistake: This product is premium to the max. It is overflowing with premium. What does "Premium" mean? It means better. Better than what? Better than a lot of things. Nails and razor blades, to name a few. Paper cuts and dirty bombs, to name a few more. Diesel exhaust, asbestos, botulism, and hantavirus, to name all the rest. But really, we believe in your ability to define it for yourself, just like we believe in your ability to define your own future. We believe in you.

Simone van den Berg/photos.com
And your relentless dedication to the Premium lifestyle.

For us, "Premium" means you can be damn sure that if this product contains spices, we're going to tell you how slow they cooked. If it contains salad, we're going to call it "wild greens." If it contains cheese, we're going to count up all the different kinds and tell you on the label. This isn't just breakfast, lunch, or dinner in this vacuum-sealed pouch, it's an experience, and just like life, not every experience is going to be good or fair. Can we promise that this meal will be delicious or superior to other meals? No, but we can promise that it exists, just like you, and that your collective future hasn't been written yet. You can be whatever you want to be, but here, have some creamed corn before you go so you don't get hungry.

You can find Soren on Twitter or Tumblr and tell him all about how he forgot to include "Natural," "Organic," and "Original" on this list.

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Soren Bowie

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